Compromising on having a child

[Beeeeleeee]

So OH and I haven’t been together that long, however in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one, we talked about what we’d like out of a relationship and were honest, a big topic for me was children as he already has 2. He initially said yes to another one as he thinks he’s got a chance to do it better again this time round as he had his first 2 very young (17/18).

Anyway fast forward to 4 months down the line he suddenly calls (yes stupid and I voiced my feelings on this) says he doesn’t want anymore kids, he doesn’t want to go through that bringing a child up, emotions etc again, he wants to enjoy life and wants to do it with me. This was a shock to me and I had told him it would be a deal breaker. Suddenly I felt as though my confidence, security and safety in the whole relationship had been shaken and I was now unsteady.

Things have certainly changed between us and it’s been a horrendous week, not only did he decide to deliver this news over the phone but his attitude was “I’ve been there, done that, got my legacy and I don’t care”. I spoke to him about this when we had a proper face to face sit down talk and he apologised, he said he realised his delivery was very poor.

Thing is, I’m stuck because he I’m thinking of things on so many levels, do I sacrifice? What if the relationship falls apart after a couple of years and it’s too late for me? By the way I’m 31 and he is 36. Do I walk away and risk losing that person I’ve been seeking for so long and just have a baby with the next because that’s one thing I’ve always wanted? (Because I can guarantee that’s what will happen) do I sacrifice because I’ve found this great relationship and deal with a future of not having children but a future filled with travelling and enjoying life? This is just a few of the thousands of thoughts I’ve had.

We had a proper talk today and he said he knows he doesn’t want to lose me, he had basically left the ultimate decision in my hands...
He reassured me that he will make sure that life will always be happy and he’ll always make sure I don’t feel like I’m missing out on not having a child.

Sadly I feel as though the relationship isn’t strong enough anymore. I am so conflicted I am so lost. Can I ask for a few opinions as to whether me compromising would be stupid or not.

I should also mention that I do understand things from his point of view, there have not been any raised voices, accusations and there has been a lot of tears and fears from both sides. I have also been very unsure about whether I can have kids from around the age of 21, I have never been pregnant and have been in a fair amount of steady relationships (which weren’t great) but that’s always been at the back of my mind. So I have imagined my life without my children and had come to a point when I turned 30 of accepting that I may be able to and might not.

WALK AWAY.

You hardly know him. You'll regret staying more than you can ever know. Walk away now before you spend any more time with him.

Do not even think about compromising on what you want out of your one life on the say so and preference of a selfish man you've known two minutes!

Your biological clock is going nuts at you. Of course he's not The One. Your hormones are playing tricks on you. You'd be better off using a sperm donor than a reluctant man.

Break it off immediately. Put down MN to phone him and end it. You want children, he's had enough children already, he was honest, stop the silly drama, be an adult and make the temporarily painful adult decision (important skill for parenting). End it and move on.

Why do you think you might not be fertile? It’s a dealbreaker for me, I told this to my now dh at 19, we didn’t have kids for over 10 years but I wasn’t going to waste any time on someone who didn’t want them.

Just leave him. He’s had his children and doesn’t want anymore which is fair enough. He told you in a really wankerish way. It shouldn’t be this complicated four months in.

You want children so find someone willing to have children with you. You’re only 31 so time is on your side.

At the end of the day OP you really don't know him very well, it hasn't been long enough. You haven't 'finally found' anything- you met someone you had overwhelming feelings for (it happens) based on loved up pillow talk. A few months on the honeymoon period is already over, you have realised there are core incompatibilities, and seem to feel frustrated is gone. The honeymoon period should last much longer than a matter of weeks.

I don't think its wise to regard this is a big a deal as you are - he's clearly said some stuff at the beginning that he doesn't actually mean now he thinks its serious. The thing is- because it's such an early relationship, I don't even think he is wrong to have called. At least he has come to his senses early and been honest.

With that said, the fact he is trying to bribe you into not having kids because he will be enough doe you etc etc- is a red flag. He is only interested in himself and I wouldn't be surprised if he changed his mind again a few months on when even more excitement has worn off and he grows tired of debating the issue. You and he lack the foundations to tackle issues that are for relationships that have deeper roots.

I really would look up Limerance. Jist because you feel certain feelings doesn't mean he is 'the one'. Do not ignore the cracks showing or how quickly they have. Focus on you and get the fertility levels checked to ease concerns and know what you are dealing with

I was in a similar position with my ex after nearly three years. We’d both said we wanted kids at the start then when push came to shove it turned out he didn’t, or didn’t know when or if. I was 28 so had no time to waste. We split and it was such a relief as I couldn’t ever have been happy with him while knowing how badly I wanted a baby and knowing he was holding me back from that while friends around us started families.

I met my OH two weeks later (!), second date while talking about why our last relationships ended I said I wanted kids and he didn’t and I was planning to start a family in around 2-3 years whether it was with a partner or on my own. And if that fit with his goals, great, we can date. If he knew it didn’t then great, it’s only been a week let’s not continue things. He said he wanted the same.

And then he proved it with his actions and 2.5 years into being together we started TTC and I’m now 14 weeks with our first 💜

You’re lucky you know this four months in as at 31 you don’t have the time to hang around for a few years only to end up 35 and having to restart and split up and with limited time left of your fertility, you could conceive immediately or it could take years and require treatment. You don’t want to risk embarking upon that journey at 35 when time is ticking and your chances are diminishing.

Honestly, my ex taught me that no man, however much I loved him, is worth giving up on the chance of that moment someday when I hold my baby boy or girl in my arms and become a parent. Do not compromise on something so crucial for you, especially for a man you’ve been seeing for less time than I’ve had a jar of jam open on my fridge. It’s not worth it, and as many women have discovered there’s nothing at all preventing you from wasting your fertile years on him then splitting up in your forties and being single and childless while he can still go off and start a new family elsewhere.

I think you know the answer and even if you wanna casually continue to see where this goes it’ll fizzle anyway as you’ll see him in a different light now you know this and won’t be able to fall in love knowing that it means being reluctantly childless.

I've been with DP for 4 years and if he turned around tomorrow and said to me he doesn't want children then I would leave.

There is no compromise when you have children. You either have them or you don't. You either get your way or he get's his way. In both situations, you will both end up resenting whoever "got their way".

Think long-term, you don't end up having children. Then what? You have this burning feeling in the back of your mind of something missing

Or lets say you do end up having children. Do you think DP would be a good dad or would he burden you with all the work? Would he get fed up and short-tempered?

Children are a non-negotiable, its all or nothing, and if you want opposite things I just cannot see how the relationship will last 25+ years with you both being truly happy with each other

He’s already lied to you. If you want kids you want kids. All the exotic trips and fabulous jewels in the world don’t even come close to having a child. You’ve only been together 4 months. Go and find a lovely man who wants what you want.

I was with my ex years. We were meant to be trying... There was no trying. He eventually admitted he didn't want to and I made the difficult decision to walk away from what I thought my future was. We were engaged, had a mortgage. I'd been with him 7 years and I loved him very much. But the thought of no children broke my heart.

I am now pregnant as a result of the next relationship I had. That relationship didn't last, in fact I tried to end it before knowing about this baby (but then agreed to try again... Mistake!). Although it wasn't a conscious plan, reading your OP makes me realise it's not a big surprise either!

I will tell you though I'm 100% happier about the thought of being a single mum than I was at the thought of not being a mum at all.

Fwiw I am 33, I was 30 when the long term relationship ended.

4 months, I'd cut loose if I were you. He sounds like a love bomber. Please take it from my experience, it takes a long time to get know someone. I got engaged & married quickly, I really wish I hadn't!!