Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Compromising on having a child

61 replies

Beeeeleeee · 17/06/2019 18:21

So OH and I haven’t been together that long, however in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one, we talked about what we’d like out of a relationship and were honest, a big topic for me was children as he already has 2. He initially said yes to another one as he thinks he’s got a chance to do it better again this time round as he had his first 2 very young (17/18).

Anyway fast forward to 4 months down the line he suddenly calls (yes stupid and I voiced my feelings on this) says he doesn’t want anymore kids, he doesn’t want to go through that bringing a child up, emotions etc again, he wants to enjoy life and wants to do it with me. This was a shock to me and I had told him it would be a deal breaker. Suddenly I felt as though my confidence, security and safety in the whole relationship had been shaken and I was now unsteady.

Things have certainly changed between us and it’s been a horrendous week, not only did he decide to deliver this news over the phone but his attitude was “I’ve been there, done that, got my legacy and I don’t care”. I spoke to him about this when we had a proper face to face sit down talk and he apologised, he said he realised his delivery was very poor.

Thing is, I’m stuck because he I’m thinking of things on so many levels, do I sacrifice? What if the relationship falls apart after a couple of years and it’s too late for me? By the way I’m 31 and he is 36. Do I walk away and risk losing that person I’ve been seeking for so long and just have a baby with the next because that’s one thing I’ve always wanted? (Because I can guarantee that’s what will happen) do I sacrifice because I’ve found this great relationship and deal with a future of not having children but a future filled with travelling and enjoying life? This is just a few of the thousands of thoughts I’ve had.

We had a proper talk today and he said he knows he doesn’t want to lose me, he had basically left the ultimate decision in my hands...
He reassured me that he will make sure that life will always be happy and he’ll always make sure I don’t feel like I’m missing out on not having a child.

Sadly I feel as though the relationship isn’t strong enough anymore. I am so conflicted I am so lost. Can I ask for a few opinions as to whether me compromising would be stupid or not.

I should also mention that I do understand things from his point of view, there have not been any raised voices, accusations and there has been a lot of tears and fears from both sides. I have also been very unsure about whether I can have kids from around the age of 21, I have never been pregnant and have been in a fair amount of steady relationships (which weren’t great) but that’s always been at the back of my mind. So I have imagined my life without my children and had come to a point when I turned 30 of accepting that I may be able to and might not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeeeleeee · 17/06/2019 21:05

The part I’m finding hard about walking away is after being single for 4 years and finally finding someone, it’s the thought of starting all over again. Just to let you all know I haven’t fallen in love yet but I was settled and sure enough to know that I had found someone who matches me, things were nice and calm.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 17/06/2019 21:11

he thinks he’s got a chance to do it better again this time round

What a pathetic excuse. Don't let him father your children OP. Move on.

tryingtofindpeace · 17/06/2019 22:08

I would never sacrifice my life’s desires for any man! If you want children you need to walk away and find someone who wants the same as you.

Always best to walk away early if you not going down the same path.

OhMyDarling · 17/06/2019 22:12

Walk away- in fact, run.
This will be your biggest regret if you don’t.

tryingtofindpeace · 17/06/2019 22:13

Also I think it’s so wrong of him to say he will “make you happy and make sure you feel like your not missing out on having a child” very selfish. Basically forget your desires and wants and come and join mind now because I’ve already achieved that!

I know it’s hard walking away when you have a connection with someone as that is hard to find now days but you are still young and I’m sure you can find someone who you have a great connection with but they also want children.

user1493413286 · 17/06/2019 22:14

I couldn’t compromise on that especially when he has children and has experienced something that he’s now saying you’ll never have with him

ObtuseTriangle · 17/06/2019 22:22

I don't see where the compromise is here, you give up what you want and he gets what he wants, that's not compromise.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 18/06/2019 00:21

You said a child was 'the one thing you'd always wanted', so find a man who wants that too. This is not the man for you. You are young enough to find someone else who's on the same page as you, so don't let him string you along until it's too late.

Skittlesandbeer · 18/06/2019 00:47

Go and get your fertility tested.

It’s an important bit of information in this decision. If you have a decent chance of falling pregnant, then yes, I think you’d come to resent him if you stayed.

If you turn out to have issues, it might be worth staying with a good relationship.

I got tested young, just to see if I was wasting money on contraception, it wasn’t that hard.

pinkdelight · 18/06/2019 07:33

". I am not ready to make a decision yet so I’ve told him I need time to think and see if the relationship grows stronger."

This is a very strange strategy. You're already finding it hard to walk away after only four months. How is staying longer going to help? You want kids. He doesn't. That is a deal breaker and staying because he's the only contender (except he's not as it turns out) in four years is staying out of fear of being alone. That's a terrible place to be four months in. End it now and find the actual One who wants children with you. You've got caught up with some feelings here that have no bearing on the reality. He's a dad of two almost grown up kids who he admits he didn't do a great job with. He wants to enjoy not being a parent now and doesn't care that you want kids because he thinks he's enough to fill that gap. The best thing about him is that he's told you now so you can decide its over. Why on earth would you decide to make your life harder by staying? I don't get it at all.

Lozzerbmc · 18/06/2019 07:40

I wouldnt sacrifice my desire for a child for a man ive been seeing 4 months. If you really want a child you need to move on. Are you thinking he might change his mind? I dont think he will.

Original poster
Beeeeleeee · 18/06/2019 08:56

I don’t know how to reply to everyone one at a time sorry everyone.

You’re all making some really great points which I do know myself and I’m being stupid I guess. I do definitely need to get myself tested, I’m sure that will help me make a definite decision. 4 months isn’t long yes, but someone did say to me that a relationship isn’t judged by how long you’ve been with someone but by how strong it is. I felt it was very strong.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/06/2019 09:05

Very fast and intense isn't the same as strong. It may feel powerfully, but really you don't know each other that well.

tuxedocatsintophats · 18/06/2019 09:13

You don't really want a child. You don't. Because if you did, you would not have hesitated to dump this guy. It would just be a no-brainer dealbreaker. The fact that you want to get further involved says it all because people do what works, and on some level, it works for you to get caught up in all this drama only 4 months in with some guy who was a lousy parent to 2 now adults and has the rest of life to father more with the next gal whereas your fertility is limited.

There is no compromise if having children is truly what you want. He's told you who he is. You're choosing to accept that is a decision that's yours to make but it speaks volumes.

I'd have left tyre marks on this guy.

Btw, there's no such thing as 'The One', it's Hollywood marketing bollocks. You can be compatible and brilliantly happy with more than one person, it happens all the time - people's 'One' cheats on them or leaves them or dies and they find happiness again with someone else.

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 18/06/2019 09:19

You're on best behaviour in a relationship for the first two years. You really don't know someone after 4 months I'm afraid.
There’s no compromising over having kids, it’s a black and white situation.

^ This. You can't have half a child.

23Veronika23 · 18/06/2019 09:24

He puts his needs first, not yours...he has been there, has done that...
If you want kids....this is something what you should prioritise....
rather than making such a big compromise especially in the beginning of the relationship.....
then another thing might come up....

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2019 09:34

Cut your losses now OP.
Neither of you are wrong.
He doesn't want kids.
You do and it's a deal-breaker.
Don't get in any deeper.
He can never give you what you want.
It really is that simple.
End things and move on.
You still have plenty of time.
Don't be dragged along by this one.

FrenchJunebug · 18/06/2019 09:51

in the first 2 dates we knew the other was the one

he is obviously not and also there are no such things as 'the one'!

SD1978 · 18/06/2019 10:01

This isn't something that you can compromise on- not saying he might now change his mind, or that you might not change yours, but you're currently in a very new relationship which you can walk away from if you choose to. I wouldn't be able to make that compromise- it would be a deal breaker to me. You have to choose if it's yours.

MrMagooooo · 18/06/2019 15:34

If you want kids then later down the live you will be completely miserable when you don't have one or you split with the current bf and it's too late to have kids.

You can't just meet another fella and have a baby and you have no idea how easy it hard it will be to conceive.

On the other hand you could be happy with no kids and be with him forever but you really are playing a game of roulette.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/06/2019 16:22

You can't possibly know yet whether your relationship is strong, you're in the honeymoon phase. Strength comes with how your relationship is when you're sharing the mundane humdrum of everyday life together. My DH and I clicked from the moment we set eyes on each other but it's only the passing of time that has confirmed that we're a solid couple - we had absolutely no other way of knowing we'd last the distance.

NauseousMum · 18/06/2019 19:52

You've only been together 4 months. In that time, he's agreed to your deal breaker (children) then pulled a 180 and been dismissive of your feeling.

You are just 31, you have plenty of time to find someone you love who wants a child with you.

TazzaRazza · 18/06/2019 20:01

I believe the line is I've had gout that lasted longer. Just move on. You are getting to know him and he's shown you that he's willing to change his mind on the big things that matter to you. There is no compromise. Just go. He's not the one.

dragonway · 19/06/2019 01:32

Get out now. Never compromise your hearts desire for a guy you barely know. What a strange thing to do. Go get tested and then you’ll know for sure.

Original poster
Beeeeleeee · 19/06/2019 12:40

Again thank you all,

I’m attempting to get some appointments for tests to be done. Hopefully it won’t take too long as it’s proving a little bit difficult to get any appointments. You are all right, he’s been selfish so should I.

OP posts: