Is this cheating

[Audrey1607]

Hi there, looking for a bit of advice. I have been married for 19 years, together for 23. 2 kids and what I thought was an adoring husband. Something just hasn't been right in our life for a while, lack of sex, no usual chat etc. He keeps his phone quite tight to his chest but does plug it in at night. He has a passcode so I don't snoop but have seen a couple of messages come in from a girl at his work. Anyhow, he left his messages open one day and I had a snoop where there were relatively ok messages from this girl, she is 21 years old!! Nothing dirty but these messages seem to get deleted as quickly as they are written. I know the girl in question and don't think she would be interested in my old man but why is he deleting the messages. He has also called out her name a couple of times in his sleep. He is one of these guys that really ogles young girls and makes negative comments about older females. I feel so sad and old right now. Do you think it is cheating if you are hiding messages?

Yuck. He's a dirty old man with a crush on a much younger girl.

The reason he's deleting the messages is that he doesn't want you seeing them. It's not technically cheating if nothing has happened (but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it to). Sorry.

He sounds smitten, Plainly, he knows he is behaving badly if he's hiding the messages.

Time to bring it out into the open and to assess whether you have any sort of future together, although the ogling and bad-mouthing older women are pretty unattractive features, so you should think very carefully.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I kind of agree with you. I have tried speaking with him about the ogling but he says I am mental. I am definitely not mental, it is so obvious that he is doing it. I have never worried too much about this though, well until recently when I read the messages. I just don't know what to do now. I can't tell him that I have seen these messages and that I know he has deleted them. I also can't cause a stir because it's his job and he is the main bread winner in the household. What should I do?

is one of these guys that really ogles young girls and makes negative comments about older females

How long has he been doing this for? This is horrible. This would worry me more than the texting.

How young are we talking? And what are the negative comments?

He sounds misogynistic

I presume he is mid 40s?
It seems a classic midlife event.
Probably not yet cheating, just infatuation. Probably hoping for/ enjoying some attention.
She may not see an old man in him - but ya maybe flattered by attention too...

Don’t let it get you down. It’s nothing to do with you and all to do with his fears of mortality and virility going with age...

I’d mention it, but also look for ways to bring fun back into your relationship?
You have been together a long long time, and things do tend to become less exciting over time.
There is a good book - Mating in Captivity... Might give you some ideas.

He has always ogled women but does it in a very discreet way, its just that I notice. I know what he likes you see, been with him for so long now that I know. He is actually a really funny guy, has been an awesome husband and is the best father. This messaging thing has come out of the blue which is why it is a real shocker for me. We have never hidden anything from each other before, I don't think. The girl in question is 21 (I think) and is very friendly, beautiful and outgoing, a real live wire and is very fond of my hubby. I know this because when I am in his work, she always prances over full of the joys and she really looks up to him for help and support. I think that he maybe has a fancy for her though and I can't cope with it. The whole thing is making me change towards him. I know he loves me, I just want him to stop the secret messaging. He lies about who he is speaking with which is frustrating too. I know the messages are not dirty or flirty, he just asks after her and asks how her day went today or that he is looking forward to getting back to work, that kind of thing.

He has also called out her name a couple of times in his sleep

Bollocks. He's shouted something in his pretend sleep to try to keep you on his toes.

Not a bad strategy tbh. Maybe I could start shouting "Dunelm mills! john lewis! Oh god yes!"

Hahahahahaha that's hilarious. Maybe I should shout out a guys name to keep him on his toes. He was definitely sleeping though, again I know these things.

You are not far off, he is in his early 50's. I really don't actually think he would do anything sexual with her or anyone for that matter. We have a very good life, we do loads together and are best friends, another reason this is so out of the blue. I am deeply hurt by this and because we are such a close couple and he is actually such a decent guy, I can't bring myself to confide in any of my friends about it. I am so embarrassed about it. I keep myself in shape, am relatively ok to look at and am so supportive and easy going. I do everything for him and the boys. Everyone always says that he is punching above his weight so why would he jeopardise our family for a flirt with a 21 year old girl.

I would look at manouvering yourself into a better position financially, and ditch him as soon as able.

No sex life, no conversation and letches at women young enough to be his daughter???

Given half the chance he would be in her knickers (or anything else under the age of 29 by the sound of him).

Another deluded old chancer trying to to prove to himself he's still got it....yuck

🤢🤢

why would he jeopardise our family for a flirt with a 21 year old girl

Because he values feeding his ego over your relationship....that's why.

I could leave him tomorrow and be able to fend for myself. I work too and am paid well so that isn't a problem. I just don't know if I want to bail out on him over this. We have been together for so long now and the lads although they are adult now would be devastated. They would be so angry if they knew about this! I put the lack of sex down to his age/stress at work etc. and the lack of conversation down to us just being busy or his stress of work again. This is the thing, would he actually jump into her knickers given the green light, this is what I have been asking myself too. Last month I would have put my life on it that he wouldn't cheat but now I am not so sure. Yeah it definitely looks like he is trying to prove he still has it. The thing is he kinda does have it, he is a handsome and succesful and charming and funny guy. Oh gosh, what a state everything is in now. I really need to get a grip and make a decision. Sorry for all this bleating on, I am normally so secretive about things like this but I just have to vent somewhere. Thanks so much for all the input, might not be what I want to hear but it's nice to know that I am getting feedback. X

This is pretty grim OP. She must be the same age as your DCs. And colleagues may have noticed his crush, and found him to be pervy or pitiful. I’m sure you deserve better.

I don’t think ditching him will do you, him or the children any favours. He has a great deal to lose - it’s a comfortable and supportive family set up, kids grown up, most importantly a best friend in his wife. If he has any insight he would not want to give that up and so he might never cheat in real terms.

You might also have a lot of peace, stability and positivity from your family set up despite the change in conversation / sex life, which can be addressed.

If this thing quietens down and reverts to normal workplace colleague friendship, would you be happy to draw a line under it?

He may well find someone else that he gets along with in the same way - can’t underestimate the amount of time is spent at work. Similar events might recur, but may never progress beyond the crush/fantasy stage.

Is this just a horrid but manageable flaw in what sounds like a pretty good companion?

Sorry OP I meant I think ditching him ‘immediately’ might not do you all any favours...

Thanks Isthisseesaw taken, really nice message and I don't think that leaving him would be ideal either. You kind of have my relationship and family set up bang on the button. We have always had a good life and I just don't understand this at all. It is just so unlike him. I have already addressed the lack of conversation with him and we have been working on this over the past while. We are both very busy people in general and this just crept up on us until I realised so put a plan in place to get back on track. Lack of sex I believe is normal at our age, maybe I am just greedy hahaha. If this quietens down, I would totally box it away and never speak of it again but how can I get him to do that without him knowing that I have read his messages. I don't want to be that type of person that checks up on her man, it doesn't sit well with me. I would be angry as hell if I thought he was checking up on me and I am not doing anything. I believe that some things are private and phones are definitely one of them. I am so disappointed in myself for checking but I knew something was up. My spidey senses were tingling :) This is for sure a horrid flaw, I am so confused and gutted and sad and angry all at the same time.

Gross. I couldn't sleep with a bloke like this. I'd lose all respect for his pathetic drooling face. He's not discreet OP. I bet all the young girls notice and think he's a creep.

Confcall, this is bothering me too. Has his other work friends noticed this? I occasionally pop into his work (if he has forgotten something) and know them all and have done for years. I would hate for them to be talking about me or feeling sorry for me. That would be just awful. I have been making excuses not to meet up at his work for anything since this started.

I AM struggling to sleep in the same bed as him since I found out. I have been making excuses to go to bed later than usual just to avoid his bedtime hugs because I am stiffening in disgust when he does. I don't want to do this, I used to love spooning with my man. I am sure that young girls don't see him ogling, I am his wife and notice these little things. This hasn't really bothered me too much, I know that men like to look at pretty females. It is only bothering me now because I know he has moved onto messaging even though they are pretty clean messages.

Do you know you have changed names?

This happened in my relationship. My “D”H did this with someone who was actually older than yours (mid 30’s) when he was around 47.

He became totally infatuated by her. Never did anything as it nearly led him to a breakdown. Messages were all platonic as I saw them but they were very frequent and clearly being sent when I wasn’t around. I don’t think she was aware of his feelings but on questioning him he admitted he was besotted with her. It would definitely have turned sexual had she given him any encouragement.

It almost broke us as I was devastated.

I am still struggling 3 years later and she has long left the company.

Yes, changed my name as didn’t want anyone to figure out who I was. You just can’t be sure who is on these sites. Maybe I am a bit paranoid hahaha. Struggling with the letters that people are using but am guessing DH is dear husband? Is O older post?
Sorry to hear that you had a similar situation and thanks for the kind reply. It is really poops isn’t it 😢.
His messages are all platonic too and think this girl is just being friendly, she has had lots of issues with her own mum and dad and he is very understanding and kind but I do think he is infatuated with her too. I would love for him to stop with the messages or at least to have told me about them, he tells me little pieces when he gets home but not how involved he is and not that he has been sending screeds of messages to her and deleting them. He definitely knows that he is wrong or why would he delete them! I am broken too, my world has been turned upside down. My hubby and sons know there is something up as I am very quiet and down but I keep giving excuses.

It’s hard isn’t it. The woman in my situation was absolutely beautiful too and just his type.

Audrey, you can’t keep suffering with this. The many secret, deleted messages indicate that emotional intimacy is developing. The messages don’t have to be flirty or sexual for a connection to build.

I would confront him by saying that, because he has called out OW's name in his sleep and you’ve noticed her messages coming through, you read some of their messages when he left them open, and you know he is deleting. You had every right to look. What he is doing is inappropriate and crossing a line.

I absolutely would not be ‘hands off’ with this. This is your marriage and you should tackle this now before things develop further.

Concur wholeheartedly with @MsDogLady. And I'll tell you why.

My DH was in this very same position. He was instigating it. I saw some messages a couple of times but know others were deleted. It was hard to get sight of his phone as it was so permanently glued to him. What I did see didn't suggest anything physical, (not that I would rule that out, I just didn't see anything) but it was more weighted to him chasing her subtly. Asking about her day, sharing her triumphs, general chit chat. In the meantime that stuff faded from our relationship and he was difficult to live with. He showed a different side of him to her than I ever saw. It went on for nearly three years. (yeah I know!) I raised it once, then never again for a multitude of reasons which I won't go into.

The consequences? This finished a few years ago. After a period of him being even worse to live with (presumably getting over his broken heart) he suddenly became a better version of my DH than I'd ever known. Then the resentment kicked in for me. Quietly. I didn't see it coming. Until it was too late. Now it's deep rooted, I've checked out, I put up walls to protect myself, I withdrew from us as he tried to get back to where we were. And it's too late. I let too much time pass. We've spoken of it recently and I know I won't ever love him the same way again. Not as I should a partner.

So don't let this grow. You aren't comfortable and the thing I realise now looking back is that it's ok to say "this breaches the boundaries of our relationship. I'm not ok with it" and to try and get to the bottom of it and fix it. Be that with counselling etc. Please, do something. Your feelings are your feelings. If you aren't comfortable you can't help that and you are entitled to tell him as much. Let his response to that be the factor that makes the decision on how to move forwards.

I tend to be quite balanced when I approach matters, so often my thoughts, actions and opinions are not at either extreme, and the stuff I do might seem to be a cop out rather than a definitive action. But I find that my methods have served me fairly well.

We are all growing older. There will always be younger people recruited into our workplace. They have energy, brightness. enthusiasm, so many of them will be a breath of fresh air. We can’t get rid of them and we can’t ignore them either.

While I don’t think digging and baiting are reasonable things to do in a normal relationship, I do think paying careful attention and some checking up can be considered due diligence. If I find something that I can deal with before it becomes a huge problem, then it’s a bonus. If I don’t find anything, then I’ll check back again after some time, as part of maintenance. I don’t think I would be offended if my OH checks up on me because I have nothing to hide, so I actually wouldn’t feel put out by the checking.

If I found something like platonic messages with a very attractive and endearing younger colleague who has potential to derail my life, I would be watching much more closely. However I would not wait to catch him red-handed unless I wanted to end the marriage deliberately. Instead, if I had the luxury of some time, I would create situations to remind him of what he has / make him consider his options eg make up story about a colleague falling for someone at work and how much mess it is causing for his/ her reputation and family life etc, stuff that can pass off as idle chat, but might jolt OH into considering his own position if it strikes a chord.

It is possible to mention that he’s been calling out names in his sleep - if I used a furious jealous tone he’d probably more defensive and non-cooperative, but if I bring it up with concern eg ‘I heard you calling out the names of a few of your colleagues and maybe one or two names I don’t recognise... is this related to a stressful case you’re dealing with / have they caused some difficulties at work, and would it help to talk about these?’

It would be easier not to say anything at all while you decide how to proceed, but if your close family are picking up on you being different, you might want to find a good reason for being so off-colour. Don’t let the status quo drag on for too long lest you become known as moody grumpy non-communicative wife at home.