Is this cheating

[Audrey1607]

Hi there, looking for a bit of advice. I have been married for 19 years, together for 23. 2 kids and what I thought was an adoring husband. Something just hasn't been right in our life for a while, lack of sex, no usual chat etc. He keeps his phone quite tight to his chest but does plug it in at night. He has a passcode so I don't snoop but have seen a couple of messages come in from a girl at his work. Anyhow, he left his messages open one day and I had a snoop where there were relatively ok messages from this girl, she is 21 years old!! Nothing dirty but these messages seem to get deleted as quickly as they are written. I know the girl in question and don't think she would be interested in my old man but why is he deleting the messages. He has also called out her name a couple of times in his sleep. He is one of these guys that really ogles young girls and makes negative comments about older females. I feel so sad and old right now. Do you think it is cheating if you are hiding messages?

@QueenOfTheCroneAge thanks for reply. I am doing these things in the hopes that he mans the F up and tells me what is going on. I want to give him the opportunity to come clean off his own back because if I have to spell this shit out to him, we will be over. He is not a silly man, he must be aware that I know something, his messages to our new group chat is telling me that he knows that I know. I want him to fess up and tell me he has made a stupid mistake/was flattered by the attention, anything at all really so that we can try to repair the damage that has been done to us. Like I said before, I can survive on my own. Our mortgage is paid off and we have no debt so moving on wouldn't be a problem that way but this is my marriage and I don't want to call it quits but will if I have to. If he doesn't mention anything by the weekend, I will be telling him everything I know

You need to talk to him, I think, not confront him. You need to open up a discussion about the lack of sex and conversation making you feel insecure, especially when he seems to want to talk more to this colleague.

@category12 I am always on my toes, I work hard at being the best wife and mother that I can be. I am always there for the 3 guys in my life. I work hard, keep a comfortable home for them, my husband is treated like a King because that is how I have always seen him up until recently of course. I have always felt like the luckiest lady in the world and now I am second guessing and questioning absolutely everything. The most frightening thing for me right now is my boys finding out what their father has done, they will be so angry and disgusted with him and no child should ever be disgusted with their Father

Im worried by what you are saying, op. Why are you treating him like a king instead of an equal partner? The balance seems to be all wrong in your relationship.

My skin is crawling reading your thread

We are the same age but you are coming across like a parody of "stand by your man". I can almost picture you warming his slippers and putting a ribbon in your hair when you expect the Head Of The Household home from work.

The Pick Me Dance you are doing devalues you. Do your sons really need to witness their mother appeasing this ridiculous man and treating him like a king ?

No man is worth this. Stop playing these dilly games and pull him up on his deceitful behaviour. You are an equal partner in this marriage, not a passive bystander

What anyfucker said.

It is worrying that a woman almost 2 decades younger than myself is being so subservient to the men in her life, it seems the struggles we went through for equality passed her by, and she is sending a clear message to her sons - wife+mother=martyr.

Thanks all for the messages, you have all been very helpful. x

Audrey, I believe these passive-aggressive tactics are weakening your position.

Instead of playing games ‘to let him know that you know,’ take control and make a stand now. By indirectly hinting and waiting for him to acknowledge his wrongdoing, you are diminishing yourself.

He is betraying you. Tell him that you won’t tolerate it.

A very depressing read. Audrey, find your balls.

Thanks again for all the help and for making me see things more clearly. I had a long conversation with hubby last night. He couldn’t tell me why he was deleting messages but assured me that there was nothing going on. I do believe him when he says this but 100% know he would have if he’d been given the green light. Anyhow, this is not how I want to feel in a relationship so am in the process of calling it quits. I asked him to leave last night, he has gone to his brothers. Will no doubt be back on here again but just wanted to say thanks X

"He couldn’t didn't want to tell me why he was deleting messages"

There, fixed that for you. Regardless of the content of these messages he's overstepped the boundaries by hiding their content and frequency. I'm pleased you're having some space from him, he sounds vile with his misogynistic views. Be under no illusions that he doesn't view you through the same lens.

I cook his dinner when he gets in from work wash up bring him coffee and dessert. Sounds like I've made a rod for my own back but if I don't he won't. Laziest man I've ever known and so selfish. Anyway the worst thing is that for the rest of the evening he sits at his laptop; Facebook! "Desktop research" when I enter the room he switches screens or turns laptop away from me. When I ask what hes looking at he gets defensive! Once his needs have been met from the kitchen I'm no longer of any interest to him. He talks to his cat more than me. Every day is the same. I do respect his personal space and boundaries but I feel surplus to requirements and unwanted. I have tried talking to him but he is so defensive and always has an answer making me feel like the problem is mine. If im lucky I get half an hour before bed to lie in between his legs on the sofa but he won't touch me he keep his arms above his head and he's a real pig, he forces out flatulence while I'm led there so of course I move away which is what he wanted. The only conversation is pathetic puerile small talk and he will talk to me through the cat e.g " is mommy making drinkies" HELP!!! I'm so unhappy but trapped financially. He has a good job and so do I but can only achieve part time hours and as I love my job I am reluctant to leave for full time on less money anyway. I'm stuck in a rut and don't know which way to turn. Anyone else having similar experiences. Opinions would be appreciated .....

Sorry I didn't mean to jump in on your thread I should have started new thread I'm new to this. Apologies again and hope you resolve your issues too ...

Aw poor you. What a horrible situation you're in. As a thought, maybe try to shut it out of your mind (very hard I know) and concentrate on your relationship with your hubby, so he knows why you're so gorgeous and why you 2 have been together for so long.
From what you've said it doesn't sound like anything other than this girl flattering your husband and he's being manly and helping her at work?
Stand tall and strong girl xx

@mk 1865 I was new to this too so completely understand. I want to be able to give you loads of advice but as you know my world is in a pretty shitty place right now too so who am I to give advice when my marriage is a bunch of lies and deceit.
I am sure that if you start a new thread you will get loads of advice (good & bad) - be prepared to hear things that you might not want to but everyone is just giving you their input as they see it. Things you probably are aware of but have been putting up with :). Sorry that you are not in a position to move on by yourself, luckily I am but it won't be easy. What I have taken from all the advice is that we are definitely worth more than the men in our lives are prepared to give. Wishing you the very best of luck missy. Tell the cat to tell your other half to make his own tea ;) XxX

Good for you, op. You give good advice to others...take it for yourself.

Please don't take him back. He will never tell you the truth only ever at most a watered down version that is the minimum he thinks you'll swallow and always the maximum he can get away with. This man is not a friend to you. He is on his own side, not yours xx