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Original poster

public row

64 replies

Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 21:12

I'm going to try to be fair and put things down from both points of view.
-Been with DH 13 years married for 10
-Lots of ups and downs since having 2 children 6 years ago
-Have discussed divorce about a year ago but decided to work through it

  • Autistic child who barely sleeps so get no time together even to sit and watch tv
  • Getting along ok recently and always had sex even during tougher times
Today we went to watch the cricket as we had won tickets, it wasn't really any of the teams we actually support but we both love sports. We had 3 yr old dd with us. After 4 hours of cricket we left and went to a burger place, there I told my dh what I wanted and he went to order, he came back with the wrong order ( this happens so often most o the time due to him not listening but this time because what I wanted was £3 more than what decided to get me) I was annoyed and groaned loudly and said about him being tight and said he was useless with ordering as he never bloody listens. I didn't shout or swear or raise my voice I picked my burger up and said fine I'll have it but I don't know why you can't just get what I want. He went ballistic and got up and said I'll fucking order you another, as he got up he threw 5 napkins in my face and walked off. Dd saw said 'naughty daddy and gave me a hug. I laughed it off and felt guilty. He came back and I said I'll eat the burger you didn't need to throw tissues at me. He told me to 'shut my fucking mouth and don't fucking say a word' I told him to stop as we were in public He said 'Keep that mouth shut don't say another word I'm already mad. 'Don't dare fucking speak you always want your way with everything' I got up and told my dd I'll see you at home I love you mummys going home she's tired. She looked very concerned but I needed to get away. I went to the train station but there were no trains running to my town, dh kept ringing me and after half an hour I answered he begged me to come back or let him pick me up . Was it my fault? was I wrong to walk off? How do I deal with this?
OP posts:
Meowington · 16/06/2019 21:20

This wasn’t about a burger. Sounds like there is an enormous amount of resentment built up here. Have you guys considered counselling? Although his behaviour was so disgusting you’d be justified in LTB and in front of your child too! She’s going to learn that this is how men treat women in relationships.

I don’t think you were wrong to have walked off. I’d have told him to fuck himself, taken dc, switched my phone off and let him sweat for a few hours.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/06/2019 21:23

He sounds like a dick. I’d be revisiting those divorce plans if I were you. Not sure why you’d want to stay with a man who threatens you over a burger, and in front of a small child too.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 21:35

I left my dd with him as I know he'd never do anything to harm her, she'd just started eating and it was pouring with rain. They were in the car so I wanted her to eat and then go home with him, not walk round in the rainstarving with me.
I did say to DH afterwards that I left because I wasn't going to sit there and let dd think it was ok to be treated like that.
There is definitely resentment built up for sure over the past 3 or 4 years but he doesn't talk about feelings he says we are childhood sweethearts and we're fine we will be together forever.
He says he was sick of my whining and yes I did whine but the whole day up til then we had had so much fun and I certainly had not whinged about anything at all, I was happy and smiling and joking and even dancing to the music in the burger place.
I did eventually let him pick me up and he apologised profusely but if my dd had not been with him in the car I would've got a taxi home (our home town is an hour away) or obviously if the trains were running I'd have been on one by the time he rang. I just did not want my dd to listen to her dad begging and saying sorry over and over so I let him pick me up so that she wouldn't realise we were arguing or I was upset

OP posts:
37KAT · 16/06/2019 21:44

Agree with @meowingtown
This wasn't about a burger.. his behaviour was appalling however it sounds like 'the straw that broke the camels back'
It sounds like you both deal with a lot of pressure. You mention wingeing in your post but you hasn't today. Do you usually winge a lot at him?
Perhaps you both need some support and counselling to work through your situation.

RosaWaiting · 16/06/2019 21:48

There’s no planet where I find that acceptable behaviour, but I appreciate everyone has different boundaries.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 22:03

I don't think I do whinge! I'm the type of person who tries to see the positive I'm every situation. Dh on the other hand whined about the weather, the cost of parking, how the teams were playing etc..
I do whine when he gets my order wrong.

we can be very blunt with each other too I am at fault of that, I don't sugrcoat anything.

We are at the point with each other where There a bit much affection left although I do try. Our relationship has been battered.

He is trying to be very nice to me but I suspect it's because he wants to have sex as he was groping me all morning and saying he couldn't wait til tonight.

could I have handled this another way? it feels like I over reacted

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 22:04

not much affection. sorry for typos.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 16/06/2019 22:05

How absolutely fucking dare he speak to you like that! Angry

Cambionome · 16/06/2019 22:07

Is he trying to grope you after he told you to shut your fucking mouth???!

Cherrysoup · 16/06/2019 22:12

Seriously aiming for sex after that? Absolutely no fucking way, he’d never touch me again, frankly.

What’s your plan, OP?

OliviaBenson · 16/06/2019 22:13

This is really really bad.

And the fact he controls what food he orders you is worrying op, plus the napkin throwing, plus the verbal abuse in public, in front of your daughter.

I would ask him to sleep in the skate room tonight.

Thehop · 16/06/2019 22:18

He’s been hideous and there’s no way I’d be sharing a bed with him.

I’d personally leave someone like that, but do you want to try counselling?

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 22:19

I'm not one to put up and shut up, he knows this. I speak my mind always. He doesn't treat me badly he is a calm person. usually

There's just been no affection nor effort on his part for years apart from when he wants sex. plus with 2 DC and 1 who's autistic we rarely get time together alone.

Even the sex although very good is usually rushed in case our DC wakes up which often does 2 times a night

I think we've both had enough but he wants to stay together.

I don't know how to act to be honest. I'm not even mad I'm just sad. And that's coming from someone who is stubborn as they come and can hold a grudge when I want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 22:21

He's not groping me now he is just being nice and moving closer and closer on the sofa. I'm not talking much but usually after an argument I'm angry and he keeps his distance but right now I'm so confused

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/06/2019 22:23

Telling you to shut your fucking mouth and throwing things in your face is abusive. Not listening and deliberately ordering something that you don’t want because it’s cheaper is abusive and controlling - especially as it gives you the message that you are “not worth it.”
He’s an arsehole.
There is no way I would tolerate that in front of my kid. How is it okay for her to witness that kind of behavior?

DogHairEverywhere · 16/06/2019 22:57

Gosh, I don't usually say ltb, because things are never that simple, but really, I'm not sure i could stay with someone who swore at me like that in front of my dc. What do you get from this relationship? What would you advise your dd if she were in a similar situation?

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 23:11

if my dd was spoken to like that id tell her to leave right away.
It's not that simple. Our DC are happy and thriving and my autistic DC would no doubt take it very very badly.
Neither can give our DC the same level of time and money on our own that we can together.
I have told him I won't stand to be spoken to in that way and that he's showing our dd that it's ok and he does seem very sorry.
He's currently upstairs with DC (dc1 has woken up again) and I shall be moving into the spare room as he won't and I don't have the energy to argue tonight

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 16/06/2019 23:40

His behaviour was unacceptable on every level, especially in front of your DD.

However, your own communication skills need work. Groaning and saying he was useless and "never" listens is not a constructive way to address the situation. It's pretty much guaranteed to start an argument.

(Obviously this doesn't mean you deserved his torrent of abuse... as I said, his behaviour was appalling.)

If you do want to try to make things work, I think you need relationship counselling quite urgently so that both of you can communicate better. Even if you decide to split up, it would help you co-parent more effectively.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 00:06

100% agree I do get frustrated and say things in a not so constructive or kind way.
I used to but I got nowhere so I've resorted just saying it as it is. No excuse I know...Im not in the clear in this situation.

my dh is the type of person where you have to say thing 10 times before he listens and his attention drifts so easily. I'm the opposite of that, I listen carefully and remember details and do things very exactly, maybe we just don't gel well together

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 00:07

I don't know If I can afford counselling but I agree we are in dire need of it.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 17/06/2019 00:10

He said 'Keep that mouth shut don't say another word I'm already mad. 'Don't dare fucking speak you always want your way with everything'

I don’t think I could stay in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that.

You didn’t sound like you were whining to me; it sounded like you were cross and wondering why he hasn’t got you the meal you don’t actually asked for.

TacCat49 · 17/06/2019 00:28

He didn't order the wrong burger for you though did he, he deliberately chose a cheaper option. Wtf.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/06/2019 07:20

Are you in touch with any ASD support charities? They can arrange, slowly introduced, respite care (even at home so you can have an hour or two to yourselves outside the home), and I believe some do counselling for parents? I volunteered at one that did amazing Saturday play days with siblings to give parents a break.

e1y1 · 17/06/2019 08:09

Like fuck were you wrong for walking off.

He sounds like he has serious rage issues. It's one thing losing your temper like that in private (still not right), but I'm front of your DC and the public? Unforgivable

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 08:53

my DC is on the mild end of the spectrum so he goes to school and does incredibly well there, it's just he won't sleep well and never has, will wake 2 3 times a night and needs someone to stay with him until he's asleep. This means no evening time for us which has definitely put pressure on us.
I don't think we would be entitled to any respite care?

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