Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

public row

64 replies

Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 21:12

I'm going to try to be fair and put things down from both points of view.
-Been with DH 13 years married for 10
-Lots of ups and downs since having 2 children 6 years ago
-Have discussed divorce about a year ago but decided to work through it

Autistic child who barely sleeps so get no time together even to sit and watch tv
Getting along ok recently and always had sex even during tougher times

Today we went to watch the cricket as we had won tickets, it wasn't really any of the teams we actually support but we both love sports. We had 3 yr old dd with us. After 4 hours of cricket we left and went to a burger place, there I told my dh what I wanted and he went to order, he came back with the wrong order ( this happens so often most o the time due to him not listening but this time because what I wanted was £3 more than what decided to get me) I was annoyed and groaned loudly and said about him being tight and said he was useless with ordering as he never bloody listens. I didn't shout or swear or raise my voice I picked my burger up and said fine I'll have it but I don't know why you can't just get what I want. He went ballistic and got up and said I'll fucking order you another, as he got up he threw 5 napkins in my face and walked off. Dd saw said 'naughty daddy and gave me a hug. I laughed it off and felt guilty. He came back and I said I'll eat the burger you didn't need to throw tissues at me. He told me to 'shut my fucking mouth and don't fucking say a word' I told him to stop as we were in public He said 'Keep that mouth shut don't say another word I'm already mad. 'Don't dare fucking speak you always want your way with everything' I got up and told my dd I'll see you at home I love you mummys going home she's tired. She looked very concerned but I needed to get away. I went to the train station but there were no trains running to my town, dh kept ringing me and after half an hour I answered he begged me to come back or let him pick me up . Was it my fault? was I wrong to walk off? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

DogHairEverywhere · 18/06/2019 19:55

You said upthread that the advice you would give your dd is to leave. Why do you deserve to be treated less well?
I know it's never easy, but really, you are worth more than this.

EKGEMS · 18/06/2019 19:57

"Sorry" Did He day "Sorry I verbally and physically assaulted you yesterday because my ego wouldn't tolerate you not accepting a different lunch that you ordered since I know your worth and you aren't worth a more expensive burger. I also told you to shut your fucking mouth cried for you to come back but I then acted like nothing had happened and groped your body for sex because you are just convenient holes for my pleasure I don't give a damn about respecting or loving you"

mbosnz · 18/06/2019 20:07

Gulp. To paraphrase. . .

Nicolastuffedone · 19/06/2019 09:12

Eew...stroking your hair? Tell him your not a golden retriever and to sod off!!! Abusive pig....

Original poster

Isitmeorhimthistime · 19/06/2019 11:06

I don't know how I'm going to do this financially that's what's worrying me.
I've rang a solicitor to see if i can go in to meet them and I'm waiting for a call back. I've told my husband and he says no were not seeing solicitors we're fine.
It's not getting through to him. I told him I deserved a better apology than him sat slumped on the sofa saying sorry over and over whilst looking at YouTube on his phone! He bought me flowers this morning but that's only because of what I said.
I am worth more than this right?

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 19/06/2019 11:09

"No we're not seeing solicitors we're fine" He's freaking delusional

Nesssie · 19/06/2019 11:17

Within a year he will have physically assaulted you.

You wouldn't let your daughter stay in an abusive relationship, so why should you. Yes it will be hard but many many people split up and survive.

If you truly want to give it another try, then make this the wake up call he needs. Talk to solicitors, gets a plan in your hand, and then tell him that can and will walk if he doesn't change.
He should never speak to you like that, he should never grab your arm, or raise his hand to you.

mbosnz · 19/06/2019 11:25

He needs to understand that he doesn't unilaterally get to decide whether you are fine or not. He may be 'fine', you are not fine, and him saying you are, doesn't make it so.

He may not wish to see a solicitor, but you do wish to see a solicitor, and he cannot stop you.

That's not an apology. Saying sorry while directing his attention to his phone is not an apology. Buying flowers when he hasn't given you a proper 'sorry' is not an apology. He's just further indicating his actual contempt for you, which when you come to think of it, was what he was showing when he got you the wrong burger. He got you the burger he thought you should eat, rather than the burger you wanted to eat.

DogHairEverywhere · 19/06/2019 11:30

You are worth more than to be treated like this.
See the solicitor without him. It will give you strength to find out the facts and have a plan as to how you will cope financially. Also, use the 'entitled to' web page and any others to work out your future financial situation.
Remember, you can't change him. Only he can do that and it sounds like he doesn't really consider what he did was so very wrong. Which leads me to believe he may well do it again.
Good luck, but you can do this.

Original poster

Isitmeorhimthistime · 19/06/2019 12:03

Thank you everyone, I so appreciate your replies.

I'm the type of woman who tells other woman never to settle for bullshit and they can do anything on their own. I'm not one to back down easily either.
But I never realised how difficult it actually is to make those first steps when you're in that position yourself..it's easier said than done.

I will be seeing a solicitor regardless of what he says and I'll check the entitled to website.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 19/06/2019 12:09

Good on you.

You ARE worth more than this. You are definitely worth £3 more a burger!

DogHairEverywhere · 19/06/2019 12:14

I think, part of it, is that when you've lived with someone who constantly considers you of less worth, you begin to incorporate that feeling into your subconscious. I'm sure, that if you think about it, him buying you a cheaper meal is just one thing in a long list of things he does to undermine you.
Remind yourself of who you used to be and reclaim that person.

MrsBobDylan · 19/06/2019 12:25

You are worth more than this op. I would have been terrified to be spoken to the way you were. I feel so sad for you. Dh and I have an autistic child but there is none of the abuse between us that you are describing.

I agree with pp in that it feels likely that he might well escalate his abuse if you stay.

mbosnz · 19/06/2019 14:26

When you say he's saying sorry, over and over, while staring at his phone, here's what I'd do, if I wanted to give him any sort of a chance at all (you may not want to, at this point).

I'd ask him to put his phone down and look at me, please. Then I'd say to him, I want you to tell me exactly what you are sorry for. What about your behaviour in this instance do you think was wrong. It could be very interesting to hear his reply.

And you might want to ask him to hear what you thought he did that he should be apologising for in this instance, and what you are not prepared to have him ever do again.

Flip

1 2 3