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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

public row

64 replies

Isitmeorhimthistime · 16/06/2019 21:12

I'm going to try to be fair and put things down from both points of view.
-Been with DH 13 years married for 10
-Lots of ups and downs since having 2 children 6 years ago
-Have discussed divorce about a year ago but decided to work through it

  • Autistic child who barely sleeps so get no time together even to sit and watch tv
  • Getting along ok recently and always had sex even during tougher times
Today we went to watch the cricket as we had won tickets, it wasn't really any of the teams we actually support but we both love sports. We had 3 yr old dd with us. After 4 hours of cricket we left and went to a burger place, there I told my dh what I wanted and he went to order, he came back with the wrong order ( this happens so often most o the time due to him not listening but this time because what I wanted was £3 more than what decided to get me) I was annoyed and groaned loudly and said about him being tight and said he was useless with ordering as he never bloody listens. I didn't shout or swear or raise my voice I picked my burger up and said fine I'll have it but I don't know why you can't just get what I want. He went ballistic and got up and said I'll fucking order you another, as he got up he threw 5 napkins in my face and walked off. Dd saw said 'naughty daddy and gave me a hug. I laughed it off and felt guilty. He came back and I said I'll eat the burger you didn't need to throw tissues at me. He told me to 'shut my fucking mouth and don't fucking say a word' I told him to stop as we were in public He said 'Keep that mouth shut don't say another word I'm already mad. 'Don't dare fucking speak you always want your way with everything' I got up and told my dd I'll see you at home I love you mummys going home she's tired. She looked very concerned but I needed to get away. I went to the train station but there were no trains running to my town, dh kept ringing me and after half an hour I answered he begged me to come back or let him pick me up . Was it my fault? was I wrong to walk off? How do I deal with this?
OP posts:
Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 08:56

Thank you for everyone's replies.
I feel less guilty for walking off. I wish I would've let him sweat for a couple of hours actually but I was aware my dd was listening to him on the phone and I didn't want her to be worried she picks up on everything and I could hear her asking where's mummy in the background.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 17/06/2019 08:58

That's not an argument, that's abuse.

Throwing tissues in your face and telling you to shut your mouth?

What the actual fuck

Dvg · 17/06/2019 09:24

Nice guy .. talking like that in front of his 3year old daughter, he sounds like he has anger issues .. all you wanted was the correct food it's not rocket science.

SparklyMagpie · 17/06/2019 09:28

Cheeky bastard thinking he can worm his way into getting sex after treating and speaking to you like that, let alone in front of your daughter.

I wouldn't be able to look at him nevermind go near him

What an absolute bell end

53rdWay · 17/06/2019 09:35

Our DC are happy and thriving

They’re also witnessing this.

frazzledmumoftwo · 17/06/2019 09:45

I know it's only one tiny part of the problem, but have you tried Melatonin for your ASD child? For us that was the only thing that helped.

Do you think your H has any ASD traits?

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 12:59

frazzledmumoftwo (That should actually be my username 😁) I have looked into melatonin but the dr was reluctant to prescribe it and I don't know enough about it. He seemed to think it was more behavioural rather than anything else but we have tried every approach going to get him to sleep on his own and I'm sticking to them and it's still not working.

What's your experience of it?

I think Dh has undiagnosed dyslexia tbh or something similar but maybe he does have some traits he won't go to the Dr however.

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 17/06/2019 13:13

If it helps, they sell melatonin in the vitamin section in the States, no prescription required. So I question why your doctor would be hesitant to give it a try and see if it might work. It’s not bloody Xanax.

FuriousVexation · 17/06/2019 13:15

Dyslexia would not make him throw napkins at you!

Undiagnosed autism maybe. But if he won't go to get himself checked out then he's fucked his chance of being let off on that basis. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and face his fears. He's an adult now and has a responsibility to his DC (in case he hadn't noticed)

I remember once saying to my ex "It's pretty obvious that DSD has dyslexia, did you get a diagnosis?" and caused a complete temper tantrum. Turned out his family had created a huge chip on his shoulder re learning disabilities.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 14:50

I know dyslexia doesn't excuse that behaviour but I was just answering the question.
He keeps saying sorry to me and says it was only napkins and I pushed him over the edge.
I don't know how I want to continue.
I'm not sure why melatonin hasn't been prescribed I know my DC not sleeping had taken a toll on my and dhs relationship because we can't even sit and chat of an evening anymore let alone anything else. it's just some quick sex usually that's it.

OP posts:
Ilovemylabrador · 17/06/2019 14:55

Your DC are not thriving they witness abuse day and day out. You put up with it.
He sounds truly awful and makes me shudder. This is not going to get better. Move out.

EyesOpenWide · 17/06/2019 15:00

Your DH didn’t get your food order wrong because he’s dyslexic or forgetful or wasn’t listening or whatever other bullshit excuse anyone can come up with.

He got your order wrong because he decided to order you something £3 cheaper, instead of what you asked for.

Then he threw napkins in your face, told you to shut the fuck up and threatened you by telling you he was already mad.

And this is how he behaves in public in front of his 3 year old child?

What a twat. There are no excuses for him. He’s a grade A abusive controlling gobshite.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 17/06/2019 15:40

It's not day in day out. But yes my child witnessed it and that's not ok.
I consider myself a strong woman and I'm not acting like it but do I break my family over it?
if not then I don't know how to work through it, I don't even know what to say to him.
He will not make it easy for us to divorce that I do know for sure.

OP posts:
Silly1235 · 17/06/2019 16:42

he sounds a bit similar to my DH, never listens and gets angry when he makes mistakes because now im a bit blunt with it. it jsut depends how much it is happening and esp in front of the kids. I told him last week, everytime he is rude to me he needs to think about our DD (also only 3 now) when she is older and if someone spoke to her like that what would he do or what would he tell her to do (ie leave). im hoping if he looks at it from that perspective it might make him realise how it makes u feel

Nicolastuffedone · 17/06/2019 19:29

You pushed him over the edge because you were annoyed he didn’t get what you asked for because it was more expensive?? Jeez, he’s easily riled!!

EKGEMS · 18/06/2019 01:49

"It was only napkins so get over it" I've got a child with severe cerebral palsy, a feeding tube,mood disorder and can do nothing for himself and my husband has NEVER thrown anything at my face or told me to shut my fucking mouth. Your husband is minimizing what he did to you-frankly he should thank his lucky stars he didn't have the police called for his behavior towards you in public! He's trying to get laid now? Holy shit he'd be my ex husband

Limpshade · 18/06/2019 02:08

I'm concerned by the comment that he believes you'll be "fine" and "together forever" simply for the reason that you've already been together for a long time (childhood sweethearts). I think you need to make it clear to him that you have limits and standards (and spell out what those are), and that if they are not met, then no, you will not be staying together.

Your life with the kids sounds very stressful and I agree with PP that you may find counselling helpful, although this would not be the case in an abusive relationship.

AyBeeCee10 · 18/06/2019 04:42

This sounds so toxic. I feel so sorry for your daughter to have seen all of that. Dont you feel humiliated enough to want to leave or show your daughter better than this?

NerrSnerr · 18/06/2019 05:41

Please don't stay together for the children. Children are not stupid, they will be taking everything in. They won't show you how upsetting it is to witness such behaviour because they won't want to cause you further upset. If he's telling you to ''shut my fucking mouth and don't fucking say a word' in public I bet he does similar at home, even if it's not every day.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 18/06/2019 13:47

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
mbosnz · 18/06/2019 13:59

I think you did exactly the right thing walking away, you reassured your children, knew they would be safe, warm, and fed, and removed yourself from an abusive and volatile situation.

I don't know what you should do.

I do know that I would have to have an apology from him wherein he did not attempt to minimise (it was only napkins) or blame me ( you pushed him over the edge). He would need to own his behaviour, in throwing things at me, swearing at me, in public and in front of the children, and would have it made very clear to him that if it ever happens again, HE will be out the door. That nothing, ever, makes that behaviour justifiable, or acceptable. Would he think that his daughter should accept being treated like that by her partner? No. So why should he think you should do so?

Mary1935 · 18/06/2019 19:24

Hi OP he’s not taking responsibility is he. YOU pushed him over the edge. You did not do anything. You had a nice day. I’m wondering if he was pissed up you didn’t respond to his groping in the morning.
He clearly feels some resentment to you. He needs to articulate his feelings more. He is also abusive. How dare he talk to you like that.
Has he ever done something like this before.
Be careful. He won’t like you pulling away. My ex used to be “sorry” “ sorry” “sorry” he was abusive.

Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 18/06/2019 19:42

mary The only touching or affection I get is when he gropes me, if there's no chance of sex then he doesn't come near me. But no he wasn't pissed off because he knew we would later in the evening, well we would've had he not done this.

we both definitely feel resentment towards each other. It's built up and built up.

I was half expecting him to come home with flowers or chocolates or to do something but he just keeps saying sorry and we will be fine and strokes my hairHmm

Am I wrong to think that if he was really sorry and realised what a big mistake this was, then he would've done more in the way of an apology? Is that what other men would do?

I know if I upset him this much then I'd be doing anything and everything possible to show him that I care and that I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitmeorhimthistime · 18/06/2019 19:45

sorry for the long posts. It's helping me process my feelings.

He hasn't done this before but he has grabbed my arm in front of the DC but he made it look like a 'game' and they found it funny. This was a couple years ago.

I do push him into getting angry though because I'll bring up things like him looking for a new job over and over (he hates his job but won't do anything about it) or I have complained about lack of affection etc .

OP posts:
mbosnz · 18/06/2019 19:51

Um, I'm finding it a bit worrying how you're internalising and accepting his excuses for him getting angry.

He'd be getting nowhere near my hair at this point. He's not apologising. He's saying sorry, but he's not apologising. He's trying to smooth things over, so that you continue to accept his (escalating) behaviour and give him what he wants - the continuity of the relationship and sex.

Well, that's my take on it.