New man very very close to XW?

[ClocloHind]

Hi all, regular poster but I NC often for privacy reasons. I’d love some perspective on the situation I find myself in. Apologies for the long post ahead!

5 months ago I met a lovely man through mutual friends, we clicked and started dating immediately. Things have been lovely, we seem to be really smitten with each other and get on like a house on fire! We both feel like this has long term potential.

When we met he had been separated for 18 months and has two children under 10 with his XW. They will start divorce proceedings very soon, once they hit the 2 years separation mark. They share the care of their DC 50/50.

He and his XW are still very close.The separation was mutually agreed as the relationship had gone stale after 15 years and they had grown apart. They tried to save the marriage for a couple of years, went to counseling and they eventually decide to split. He says that while the romantic and emotional connection disappeared, they have remained “best friends” and were determined to protect their DC and put their interest first.

According to what he says, the split has been very amicable from day one, for example she helped him find the apartment when he had to move out, and she helped him build the furniture for the DC’s room in his new flat. They still sometimes go out together as a family during weekends (not all weekends though), have family meals together every once in a while and they spent the last Christmas together with her extended family in the foreign country where she is from. He left on Boxing day and then took the DC on holiday without XW at the beginning of January. They normally take the DC on holidays separately.

I don’t really know what to think about such a close relationship between him and XW. He is very transparent with me about her, it doesn’t feel like he is hiding anything from me or sneaking around, which is why my gut feeling tells me that I should not be worried. He talks about her like she was a family member, almost like a sister?

However, when I think about the fact that they were together for 15 years and presumably very much in love at some point, I get quite jealous about them still being so close.

I have not said anything to him about this yet, as I am still trying to wrap my head around the situation. I understand that it is great for their kids that their separated parents are on such good terms. Both he and XW sound like mature and great parents, and their DC seem to have adjusted very well after the separation. However, I can’t help but feeling a bit jealous and insecure about the idea of him being so close to her?

What do you all think? Does this sound ok to you? What would you think if you were in my shoes?

Thank you!

For context, I don't have any DC and have never been married, so that might influence my understanding of the situation.

XW knows that he is dating someone, we agreed that we will wait until we have been together at least a year before potentially introducing DC to me.

It sounds like they are trying really hard for the kids and this is good.

Your jealousy and insecurity is your issue to deal with. If you try to come inbetween them and cause distance it will likely and rightly mean the end of your relationship.

You need to deal with your own mental health issues and not try to make it their problem.

What do expect him to do about it? They are friends. If they wanted to be together they would be together.

If they wanted to be together then they would. Amicable coparenting post split is the ideal for parents and children and it sounds like they’ve formed a healthy new type of unit. My parents had an awful divorce but over the years that passed they’ve become friends and as adults we often now all spend Christmas together including my SM of over 20 years. It’s far preferable to my DH and his ex who can’t stand each other.

When you say you’ll speak to him, what is it you want to say? You don’t want to be the person who rocks the happy boat and you should respect him for being a good dad and a friendly ex. You need to feel happy with things and if you’re not then it’s fine to walk away but don’t ask him to change things.

Have you met his ex?

An ex of mine was a friend before we dated, he is still my best friend. We do things together when we can, we went on a short holiday recently. If a future partner was uncomfortable with that, well, then they aren’t the one for me/I’m not the one for me.

There is nothing wrong with their set up, it just has been to be something that works for you as well.

This sounds like a normal way for rational adults who are parenting children to behave. Just because they aren’t romantically involved anymore doesn’t mean they can’t still be family.

I didn't say I was necessarily going to talk to him about it, I wanted some impartial perspectives to understand if this situation sounds normal for separated parents or a bit concerning. I have never dated a separated/ divorced man before, so I don't have much experience in that sense.

This sounds like the blue print of how to parent your kids when your sexual relationship does not work out. To be admired.

If you can't deal with it though, it is your perogative to walk away. Nobody is forcing you to stay

I was with xh for 20 years and we split verbally 3 years ago and moved into separate homes 2 years ago (we were abroad for his job at the time, I came home).
Since he lives abroad when he comes to see the kids he stays on our sofa bed, we all go out for at least one family meal, we've done the same thing at Christmas as your dp.
I will never ever get back with my xh. There were a lot of toxic things from him over the years but we did agree the kids are our top priority and actually we can get on and share a joke and some wine and things are fine (as I no longer deal with his day to day crap).

Having the kids know we have their best interests at heart is more important than anything, we both feel that when they have milestone birthdays or weddings etc we both want to be there, with or without and additional partners, and it not be awkward. We do it to model something good for our kids. Our relationship may have failed but we want our kids to understand it's not the end of the family and that the family unit may be somewhat fluid over the years to come

Sounds like its none of your business, his kids always come first.

Would you rather be with a man who calls his xw everything from a dog to a pig?
Who lies about her infidelity?
Blamed her entirely?
Blames her lack of money management, her lack of interest in sex and her slovenliness for their split?
Or a nice guy who is civil with someone he once loved.

Sounds absolutely perfect for them as a family. I wish I had been able to be like that with my ex .

However you need to decide if you can deal with that and if not leave.

I think it lovely two parents putting there child first

There will always be a very significant bond between them as they share children. I am amicable with my exh (most of the time) and have been known to ask for his help with car advice or even flat pack building etc because we will always be linked by children and he wouldn't want to see me suffer.

I know plenty of divorced couples where the man and woman still have a lot of care and respect for each other, usually when they have kids. I have zero interest in my ex from a relationship or sex perspective!

I can see how their ongoing commitments may bother you and fair enough if you want to walk away. Ultimately most of the divorced men I've dated would all have put their kids as top priority, not a new partner. I've always been happy with that, as I know my exh also puts his kids as top priority, I also have my kids as top priority. Doesnt mean I wouldn't value and love a new partner though.

The situation sounds like what many couples would and should strive to achieve after they split (where they have shared DC)

If the split was mutually agreed and there was no abuse or cheating then no reason not to remain friends

Fair play for them both being able to have a relationship like this.

Me and my ex have been separated for over 4 years, he has been with his girlfriend since towards the end of my pregnancy.

We have a great relationship and I have an equally great relationship with his girlfriend, my son adores her and for example she's been messaging me and sending pictures over the weekend of other things her and my son have been making him for Father's day.

My mum and dad stayed very good friends after the split when I was 9 and my mum gets on very very well with my mum, often invite her over at christmases etc. And it's been amazing for me and my younger brother to see this

Its lovely to hear two parents being able to have continue like this for their children

*stepmum

Sounds reasonable to me. Jealousy is a horrible emotion though so it is something that you either try and work out yourself mentally or walk away.

When I split from my long term partner I helped him move into his new house. There was no acrimony, it was a mutual realisation that we had run out of steam. He recently came to my dad’s funeral and we sat together in the restaurant afterwards. We have no children to co-parent but have no reason to dislike each other. It sounds like your DP and his XW are sensible adults putting their children above all else. If you can’t deal with it you need to reconsider your position.

I can understand how you might feel a bit unsettled by it. I probably would too, but then that's the risk you take when dating someone who has had a previous marriage and kids.

So long as their contact with each other involved the kids (ie family dinners rather than dinner just the two of them) then I wouldn't be too concerned. The issue could well come if your relationship continues into marriage and a family for you.

I think some of these responses are pretty harsh.

The OP isn't complaining and is just asking the question. FWIW, I posted with a similar question (under a different name) previously and was told that, whilst it was beneficial for the children and admirable (as OP is being told here), I was also told it was a 'red flag' that they were as close as they were (and it didn't involve overseas holidays).

The bottom line, OP, is that my exh and I achieved something similar intially and it was because there was a degree of 'unfinished business'. His gf stuck with it and now we have a much more balanced co-parenting relationship. We were also 'best friends' before we got together but he came to, eventually, prioritise his new gf over his ex wife and rightly so.

We still do 'parenting' things together - meet to discuss the children and their needs; school events etc and there will be no animosity at weddings etc but we both felt that it was appropriate to draw a line under the past once we each had new relationships.

We are still supportive of each other and accommodate each other's requests etc for the benefit of the children and to ensure a harmonious co-parenting relationship but there isn't any more than that.

This sounds like the relationship between me and XH. He joined me and DD and other family members for lunch today before taking DD off for the afternoon. We normally have a cuppa when exchanging the kid and have had dinner together with DD on and off. I wouldn’t have dinner with him without her although he was here after she went to bed the other evening. We needed to arrange holiday plans to ensure overlapping child care. Neither of us are interested in rekindling our relationship - we split for a good reason!

I'd feel a lot better about him than a man with a 'crazy, psycho' ex. In fact I've never gone near a man who described any of his previous partners so badly.

Sounds fantastic to me, far better all round than nastiness

I hear you OP. To be honest I think it’s when you said “For context, I don't have any DC and have never been married, so that might influence my understanding of the situation”.
The truth is that in the movies the handsome hero rarely comes with kids and an ex-wife. It’s a lot of baggage when we’re looking for the happy ever after love of our lives. I’m not sure I could have gone with it in my 20s for sure.
It really does sound like he’s got a very mature and healthy relationship with XDW and kids. Just from that he may be a keeper. But they will always be in his life-and he will never be as free as a single man. And that may mean a number of compromises for you if you were to settle down with him. It’s ok not to want that. But there is nothing to be worried about by what you’ve explained - as others have said - it sounds positive. It’s more a matter of what you want - because his history and his family come with him.

Thank you all for your comments. It sounds like the general consensus is that the situation is not worrying at all and quite positive for everyone involved. I might just need some time to get used to the dynamic, as that is quite new to me!