Low sex drive, watches porn. Male point of views very welcome

[jane2210]

I’ve seen a few posts regarding this.

My story:
My OH and I have been together 5 years. Sex, well it’s never been great. Infrequent, one sided in terms of my satisfaction from the get go.

So why, you ask did I stay with him? The truth is apart from the second he is kind, funny we just connect on every level and for both of us we would rather be in each others company than others, from the outside everyone comments on how perfect we are and are jealous of how much fun and love we have. I genuinely believe he does love me a lot.

Sidetrack sorry. So, I chalked the lack of sex to low libido, we have had discussions about it, he reassured me it was him, he finds me very attractive. I basically went for a no pressure approach, yes I was unsatisfied sexually but sex isn’t everything. (Even though I actually have a high libido and enjoy new things, like to think it’s not down to me being dull)

Tonight I found his internet history, there it was, porn, f*cking porn! I feel rejected, humiliated, pathetic. No libido, yet happily watches porn. Has he been lying? I’m I so utterly unattractive that he can’t bring himself to fk me????? Is it even worth giving up my sex life, when obviously he doesn’t want me a never has. I feel like there is dagger through my heart.

From what I've read ( admittedly not a lot !) , the use of porn has a bad effect on performance . Maybe your partner has this problem. I've attached an article about it - just a thought.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/therapy-matters/201205/does-porn-contribute-ed

all comments welcome from anyone.... I just was curious to hear from men that perhaps prefer porn to sex, and why? Be brutally honest

Interesting read... when we have sex it’s over pretty quickly, we cuddle he sleeps.

Could be any of a number of things.

Some people just go off their partners sexually.

Some people get more pleasure out of masturbation than actual sex.

Whether you feel it is worth it is something nobody can decide for you.

Fair point. Thank-you

I few years ago I did break it off, he begged me to stay and said he did find me attractive. Was this all lies, 🤦‍♀️

If it's pretty one sided in general, could if be possible that he's monumentally lazy and that's quicker/easier/less effort than actually DTD for some men? I've wondered this myself

Meh, IME men who regularly watch porn are shit in bed. If he has ED, I'd assume it had more to do with his porn habit than with you.

There are a lot of men out there who love giving women pleasure. I suggest you ditch him and find one of them.

My OH became addicted to porn. He was great in bed when we were first together but he became selfish and something changed, we were having sex but I could feel there was no emotional connection. Then gradually he couldn't perform.
Eventually he stopped the porn about 2 years ago but after nearly twenty years the damage was done.
I've stayed because we are a great partnership and friendship in every other aspect of our lives but I'm bitterly disappointed.
Even if he offered to try sex again now I'd refuse.
He's put me through too much.

Totally agree that men who use a lot of porn are shit in bed. They seem to think it makes them fantastic lovers but they are emotionally detached; mechanical; formulaic and cold at best.

It's really obvious if you're having sex with a man who uses a lot of porn. Really obvious.

No one here is going to be able to answer whether he ever found you attractive or not. Some men do find their partners attractive still - I have a friend who is open about his porn use and still fancies his wife. But others don't.

This is his inadequacy though, not yours. Don't take ownership of it.

Found out one ex was a porn addict. He said that it was easier to have a wank than worry about pleasing someone else.

So iow too lazy and selfish.
He probably does love you but has gotten into the bad lazy habit of self serve. It really does make men shit in bed.

It is insulting as hell to be a willing eager partner and he's too damn lazy to go for it.

So no, it is definitely NOT you.

I think we're really just starting to find out the long term effects that frequent long term internet porn use has.

I would sit him done and talk to him in a non judgemental way and even find a few short articles to print out to show him about the harm.

And ask him if he would refrain from the porn. reddit has a nofap section which men really seem to benefit from.

I suspect after a few weeks of no porn use, his natural libido and desire will come back.

I wonder if dirty magazines are still made? Maybe get him a few to substitute. Many a chap had their collection for some alone time but it didn't seem to affect them the way online porn does.

My husband years ago reckoned he didn't use it, although the consensus seems to be that 100% of men do. The only exception was that occasionally we have watched it together in bed and had a good session after.

I suppose I would only worry if he wasn't interested in me but years into marriage he would still have me every day.....and I love being desired like that😀

I think that being turned on by something and masturbating is completely different than having sex. There are lots of times when I might want to masturbate but have zero interest in sex. It’s not because my sex drive is low or I’m not attracted to my dh (and I imagine it’s the same for him). It’s just because they’re apples and oranges and sometimes you prefer oranges. I wouldn’t take offence to that or think it is a rejection of you. If you are truly a mismatch though that’s something to either work on or respectfully walk away from.

My relationship has just ended after a similar period. OP I could have written a lot of your post, we always have got on incredibly well, love each other's company etc.

However we have had issues with our sex life from early on. He told me he had a low libido. To be fair to him he did always make sure I was satisfied but as time went on everything else wasn't great. He found it hard to finish most of the time and sex would always be half an hour plus while he tried to reach climax. In past relationships I would often use my hand or mouth on partners successfully but only managed this with him once or twice in 6 years because it took so long. He would also often lose erection. When it came out that he was basically addicted to porn I wasn't surprised. He stopped entirely for about a year and things got better, but when he resumed they got worse again. And he made no real effort to have more sex with me (or indeed better sex) despite constantly saying that was what he wanted.

We're now finished and whilst I'm sad in some ways I'm also relieved.

@RantyAnty I was going to say something similar.
He takes care of his sexual needs and that's it. No need to care or consider his partner.
I think you are spot on.

I do wonder if you get used to masturbating does sex become less interesting or simply isn't a turn on?
Masturbating is on tap can be done anytime. Also the visual stimulation of porn makes it exciting for some people.
Sound like either you learn to live without a proper sex life or consider what you would like for the future.

Part of the problem here is you can’t ‘get back’ to a decent sex life with your boyfriend as it has always been bad. This type of behaviour from him will eat away at your self esteem and you’ll have a lifetime of checking his internet history.

Please think about your relationship carefully. Sex does matter.

If sex wasn’t everything you wouldn’t be posting this.

From what I can ascertain, many men have a much higher sex drive than us women as we all get older. Funnily enough, I spoke to a male friend yesterday, who told me that on his days off (shift work) he often masturbated 6 times a day (!). This was purely because "he could" and had nothing to do with not adoring his wife or finding her attractive. Men are pretty visual creatures so get off on watching a snippet of porn, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't make them love their partners any less, unless the relationship is dead in other departments.

It's lazy and selfish. His needs are being met. He doesn't care about yours and the women on screen don't have any.

It’s really not as complicated as we all seem to think.

Low libido is a convenient way of masking lack of interest in you sexually. I guarantee that, given the right opportunity, he’d be rock hard and banging away like a sex machine.

I think lots of guys really crave first-time sex with a new woman, it is incredibly arousing.

You need to try to create something new, something different, even a subtle change in your hairstyle or makeup or outfits you wear (not talking naughty nurse or happy hooker).....look at his porn viewing history, you might be able to make a fantasy or two a reality.

Stop trying to have sex, don’t talk about it, but make those subtle changes above.

If this doesn’t work, then you can conclude that your husband is a veritable wanker!!

According to threads on here many women have a higher libido than their male partner.

Yep - being kinda there. twice

My first partner (20 years) wasn't addicted to porn it was other issues for me that resulted in a shit then dead sex life.

My second partner (9 months) was addicted to porn. He'd been single for a long time and I knew he used porn and masturbated quite a lot. I didn't mind too much - him wanking to porn, as I'm not a 7 nights a week gal.

At first we had a wonderful sex life (he was a great lover and very experienced) but I began to notice some equivocation and weirdness sometimes when we were maybe about to have sex. It was very confusing for me, but if I tried to talk about it - it blew up into a weird row. He kept odd hours - often getting up in the night (this is a key indicator btw).

It collapsed in the space of a few days. One night he fobbed off my approaches for sex with jokes and equivocation. I was quite hurt (see first relationship) - but tried to put it too one side knowing it's a sensitive point for me.

A couple of nights later after a back rub ( I was getting more and more of these...) which puts me to sleep in minutes (useful). I cold woke up to find he wasn't there. So I snuck downstairs and though I didn't see the porn, I knew he was wanking. Then - the dance of excuses, lies and finally gaslighting - "when are YOU going to stop doing this to us!"

He'd had a wild and adventurous sex life in his youth but some bad things had happened (girlfriend committing suicide) and I knew his habits were part emotional and part of a bigger issue with compulsive behaviour.

We didn't have a discussion about it - sometimes I wish I had of tried, but the desperate attempt at gaslighting was the end for me.

The really sad thing is I think he was utterly heartbroken. BUT - If he could not make an effort to be honest, to understand himself, to communicate, to try, to empathise. Then why should I?

Men expect women to do all the emotional heavy lifting (a lot are so lazy that they are not even aware the need exists). Don't do it.

You'll never solve this one - never. It's roots are profoundly emotional. If he prefers a relationship to a screen instead of actual physical touching, something is missing, a cog is missing. You will never change him. He will "try" for a few months "for you" then it's back to his teen porn (or whatever his fix is) "edging" and dopamine addiction.

And I doubt you will get any men replying.

I would reconsider some of your other opinions on this relationship. You say you have a real connection but I have that with friends. I wouldn’t try to live with them for the rest of my life. Especially not if they were fundamentally dishonest with me about their feelings for me.

You are both hiding in this relationship and it is not just from each other, it is from life. Be that be a single life or a life with someone who means more than a friend. If that is what you want then drop the pretence and be honest with each other.

What LemonTT says.

its fascinating to see how attitudes have sex have changed over the last thirty years or so.

would i be interested in a man who couldn't and had no interest in my satisfaction and who would rather crack one out to porn than have sex with me?

erm no, no way.

feel so sorry for younger women who seem to think thats the norm.