Low sex drive, watches porn. Male point of views very welcome

[jane2210]

I’ve seen a few posts regarding this.

My story:
My OH and I have been together 5 years. Sex, well it’s never been great. Infrequent, one sided in terms of my satisfaction from the get go.

So why, you ask did I stay with him? The truth is apart from the second he is kind, funny we just connect on every level and for both of us we would rather be in each others company than others, from the outside everyone comments on how perfect we are and are jealous of how much fun and love we have. I genuinely believe he does love me a lot.

Sidetrack sorry. So, I chalked the lack of sex to low libido, we have had discussions about it, he reassured me it was him, he finds me very attractive. I basically went for a no pressure approach, yes I was unsatisfied sexually but sex isn’t everything. (Even though I actually have a high libido and enjoy new things, like to think it’s not down to me being dull)

Tonight I found his internet history, there it was, porn, f*cking porn! I feel rejected, humiliated, pathetic. No libido, yet happily watches porn. Has he been lying? I’m I so utterly unattractive that he can’t bring himself to fk me????? Is it even worth giving up my sex life, when obviously he doesn’t want me a never has. I feel like there is dagger through my heart.

Men who watch a lot of porn are bad in bed - disconnected and selfish.

You are in a long term relationship which makes it worse. It’s like neat acid on your sexual self esteem. If you don’t feel or there are not signs of desire then finish this. Basically you have a very good friend at best, but not any kind of lover. Can you stand another few decades with someone who may help you with the shopping or make you a cup of tea but would recoil from touching you?

It used to be that men who were known to use pornography were considered to be seedy and sexually inadequate. The availability of internet porn has diluted that idea, but it’s still true in many ways.

They once did an experiment on sheep. The took a male and got him to live with just one female. Over time, his sex drive declined. Then they tried giving him a new ewe every day. Over time, his sex drive did not decrease.

Porn has the same impact. It appeals to the instinct to sew your seed, and because porn offers an array of women and an wide variety of scenarios, men can trawl through hundreds of different women in lots of different situations (bondage etc). So when someone who is addicted to porn has to have sex with the same woman over and over again, they struggle to remain "excited." They can also start to only want sex in risky situations, which can be fun, but not when you give up on bodily preening because you both haven't had sex for months and consequently have lower areas looking like the floor of an unswept barbers shop!

Very sad. It destroys relationships and is a killer to your self esteem.

I don't prefer porn to sex. Sometimes it's just a lot easier but it never beats the real thing.

It has not lowered my interest in having sex with my partner.

Fuck be there are massive generalisations about men who watch porn. Have you lot slept with every man that has watched porn or could it be it's the tiny experience you've had.

Anyway OP. I don't know why I would rather watch porn than have sex. In all honesty for me it would be if I was no longer attracted to my partner, the sex was boring or routine or just exhausted and couldn't be bothered.

There is a whole host of reasons and only he knows why. It's a hard topic to talk about but maybe give it a go with him.

MrMagooooo you’ve clearly never lived with someone who spends hours a day wanking to porn, to the total detriment of any help around the house and any kind of sexual relationship with his still-attractive, still-willing partner. On the extremely rare occasions when we did have sex (a few times a year, if that), he couldn’t finish at all due to death grip. I’ve heard from other women that my situation was not unique nor even particularly rare.

I don’t have a problem with porn per se but, like anything else, when taken to excess it can destroy a relationship. Being turned down for porn day after day, month after month, year after year nearly destroyed my self-esteem. I eventually left but I’m still struggling with the after-effects of it.

Hi @SonataDentata I'm not debating whether it destroys relationships. I just don't like these sweeping statements people make based on their small experience and a few others.

It has had no effect on my relationship / libido or selfishness in bed.

If someone is wanking hours a day to porn then they have an addiction and that is a different ball game. Once something has a negative effect e.g porn, booze, drug, running, then a person has to stop or cut down.

Have you lot slept with every man that has watched porn or could it be it's the tiny experience you've had

Of course not. But I've slept with a lot of men and I recognise the signs well.

The fact that I recognise the signs in other women's descriptions on here is enough for me.

Men who use porn think it doesn't affect them or makes them better lovers. They are, quite frankly, wrong.

I just don't like these sweeping statements people make

Tough shit.

Also, they're not 'sweeping statements'. They're people's personal experiences.

The fact that they are all so similar should tell you something.

And I doubt you will get any men replying

oh you usually get a few inadequates replying that the problem is that the woman is probably not attractive anymore and if she only made more of an effort, all would be well.

Thank-you for all your posts. By no means do I feel he has an addiction, there wasn’t an overwhelming amount there. Personally it has knocked my confidence and made me feel worthless to know he is looking at and masturbating over other women, I find it disrespectful to me, I would never do the same to him. Obviously we can both look at other people and see that they are attractive but personally I feel that’s where it should stop, instead of actively seeking sexual gratification from other women.

I know many will disagree with my standpoint and perhaps think I’m somewhat naive. Perhaps if things in the bedroom were good with us I’d feel differently but it hurts to know your person doesn’t seek gratification from you.

In my opinion porn has become so socially expectable that reality of what they are doing is forgotten. Basically watching another woman (who is physically unattainable to ‘normal’ women) having sex, then imagining it is you have sex with her and masturbating. Personally I see it as a betrayal and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I respect them and find them interesting.

I completely agree with you, jane

i agree too

Thank You, it is reassuring to know that my feelings are valid and that I’m not being an over-dramatic prude 🙈

Some have questioned why I posted, it’s because I feel humiliated and haven’t told anyone about previous issues etc. It’s our private relationship issues. And I’m not close enough to anyone to feel like I can share. Online I am anonymous and seek a whole range of opinions that I wouldn’t from my social circle.

Thanks again, feeling better after a vent.

Well this is the @MrMagooooo who, on another thread said he'd happily lie and deceive his wife to ensure he could continue using porn, and still insists it doesn't have any effect in his life.🤔

It may not impact him, but it can certainly impact your partner who essentially should be the priority.

@MrMagooooo

I'm here because porn ruined my marriage, killing my self esteem and ruining our children's lives as a knock on effect.

Reading your pp you seem to be here to tell us all how much you love porn and how harmless it actually is and the problem must lie with us,

It's like walking into an AA meeting and telling them how you can drink to your hearts content and it doesn't effect you.

Pretty sure you'd be kicked out on your arse there too.

He prefers to focus on his own pleasure, he doesn't want to have to bother with thinking about what his partner would like, women exist for the purposes of serving men's needs, he doesn't want to be having to serve your needs that would put you above him and he's a man, he's the important one
That's why

I have spoken with my OH and he seems genuinely surprised at how much my confidence has been knocked, he basically didn’t realise to me it feels like a betrayal. And to be honest until I saw it, I didn’t realise how much it would effect my self esteem.

Porn is so normalised that perhaps those choosing it over their partner needs should to consider how it actually hurts the person you love.

My OH seems utterly ashamed and devastated that his actions have hurt me. On a positive note it has lead an honest and open conversation about our sex life and hopefully made him realise that true gratification comes from our relationship not a screen.

Women can also find first time sex with a new man incredibly arousing, although they are often scared of men that they don't know, so that tends to dampen their ardour a little, plus you never really know with a new man if he's going to be kind/good and make sure that you enjoy it too

so if women could be sure that they would get what they wanted and they weren't nervous of unknown men, well we'd be out there shagging randoms too wouldn't we

People get desensitised to porn. My partner and I both limit what and how much we watch because neither of us like the effect it has that way, even though we do very much like watching some things for ideas, or sometimes even to check out styles and toys.

I would try to explain that the porn is causing his libido issues. Explain calmly and factually because the truth is a lot of people simply dont realise this. Or are defensive about their own use of porn so will deny it. Explain how it's made you feel. You can look up ways to reverse the desensitisation. Edging is a good easy start. If he isnt willing to put the effort in to reverse it once he is armed with the facts then I dont really know what to suggest but I would certainly not be willing to be in a relationship with this kind of sex life.

yes I was unsatisfied sexually but sex isn’t everything

Oh stop it. Unless you have zero libido yourself, sex is important and there is nothing wrong with that. You're meant to be in an intimate relationship together, it's natural to assume that would include intimacy and thst intimacy should be mutually satisfying. Honestly, focus on your needs and stop worrying about his underlying issues that are preventing him even trying to meet your needs. You only get one life and it's too precious to waste on a partner that doesn't tick all your boxes.

I would also like to add that although our sex life was lacking due to a low libido and to be honest selfishness on his part, but love, affection, happiness and closeness wasn’t lacking, he daily compliments me and is affectionate towards me hence the feelings shock and betrayal.

Thanks for all the posts and for allowing me to brain fart all my feelings. Hopefully others will gain reassurance from this post and other perhaps gauge an understanding of the impact of seeking sexual gratification outside of their relationship.

Yes women also find newness and sex with a first time partner very arousing, doesn't give us the excuse to ignore our dp in favour of wanking everyday to fit men on our phones, and if we did maybe then men would pay attention to the damaging effect porn can have on a relationship.

You need to try to create something new, something different, even a subtle change in your hairstyle or makeup or outfits you wear (not talking naughty nurse or happy hooker).....look at his porn viewing history, you might be able to make a fantasy or two a reality.

Yay! Another man here to tell us how porn use is actually our own faults for not being exciting enough. Just actually fuck off.

@MrMagooooo

Have you tried empathy? This requires some concentration - to imagine yourself in another mindset or situation or even a different cultural framework.

Like a world saturated in porn. Where your young daughter is harrassed on the street, for being young and female. Do you wank to teen porn Mr Magoooo? Do you have teenage daughters navigating this world WE live in?

Men feel they have the right to indulge their drives whatever the consequences to US. Our social standing, our esteem. You claim it doesn't effect anything - but it does MrMagoooo - it affects everything.

I know it's not black and white. I know there are exceptions. I've been there, done that. But but just try empathy instead - and less self justification (after all no one is going to take your porn away from you)

Porn is poison. Every time you click - looking at an image to get you off - you are indulging in a world of negative destructive bullshit (for us) - you are defining US - teen porn, peodo, fisting, rape fantasy, gang bang, cream pie (what's your bag MrMagoooo?) defining US.

My wife became addicted to extreme hardcore porn. I worked away a lot and would come home at weekends and find the videos she had downloaded in our history. But then if I ever approached the subject she would shut down and not want to talk about it.
Is this rare or normal for a woman to enjoy porn?