Husband doesn't want second child- so sad

[toomuchtohandle]

Hi,
Hoping somebody can offer me some advice or just comforting words. I've always been very honest with my husband from the start that I wanted two children. My sister has been a wonderful friend to me throughout my life- I know that's not a given with siblings but it's what I personally hope for for my own children. We now have a beautiful DS and he has told me he wants no more.

I'm devastated. Not because my DS isn't 'enough', but I feel this gnawing grief for the child I still desperately want. I've had some terribly painful things to cope with on top of this. I discovered infidelity during the pregnancy which I felt I had to work through given I was about to have a baby. The sadness and loss of security has left me raw inside. I stayed on the condition he gave his absolute all to our family, which he has done. He's a good father and has been supportive and loving to me. Our marriage has been good since, but this latest blow feels like too much to bear.

I wouldn't break up our family for a potential hypothetical child alone, but with the history I feel like he's snatched happiness from me again. My pregnancy was spoiled by the immense stress of what he did. I would dearly love to experience the expectation of a child without the misery I felt with my first.

I don't even know why I'm posting really. I have no one who I can talk to about this, I feel too humiliated to admit what he did to anyone.

Should also add, I have no intention of pressuring him to have a child he doesn't want. But I am not sure that personally I can move on from this with him, feels like too many wounds and too much water under the bridge

I'm so sorry op. He took away such an important experience from you and then decides no more kids when he knew upfront what you wanted. I would weigh up the two options. Stay with him, only have 1 child and live with this regret. Or you could leave him, move on with your life and you may have that chance of another child. He has shown you his true colours and that he can hurt and let you down. Your children are forever, do you think you could live with this decision knowing that one day you might regret it? X

I think you're possibly right. It could be too much to bare. He ruined your first pregnancy and isn't willing to give you a second. Is that for a reason? Is it because he actually isn't happy but doesn't want to say?

What are his reasons for not wanting a second child?

Are you sure this is a child he doesn't want or a child he doesn't want with you

Is he someone who wants you to break up with him so he's not the "bad guy" in all this.....

Plans in the abstract are different to reality and life doesn't always go to plan. I've known people get into relationships never wanting children and have changed their mind (and in reverse).

He's not wrong to not want another child, especially if things arent strong between you at the moment. A second child won't build bridges or heal wounds caused by infidelity, nor will having the 'correct' number planned automatically bring happiness.

Like other posters have said you've got to make a decision. Either it's a deal breaker and you move on and find someone who wants a child, or you stay and accept the new status quo. Only you will know where you heart lies on this one.

OP that's shit. I'm so sorry, to have your first pregnancy made hugely difficult by his behaviour and then putting the veto on any more is a pretty harsh pill to swallow.

He sounds extraordinarily selfish. What are his reasons for only wanting one child?

Thank you for replying. I appreciate your kind words more than I can tell you. He doesn't have a reason beyond just not wanting to. He is beyond devoted to DS, DS is devoted to his dad and he feels another child couldn't possibly make him happier than he is now.

Despite what has happened, I love him and of course our DS very much. I'm not sure I can feel the same way about DH after this, but I also feel that by leaving him I would be depriving them of each other. Of course they would see each other but I would feel terribly cruel separating them (DS still breastfeeding so too young to be without me for long periods). I also struggled to conceive DS1 and needed fertility treatment so I don't think meeting someone else would be on the cards, this was my shot.

sorry - I don't mean to be harsh, but if he's had an affair, and while he's appearing to check back in to the relationship, basically saying "no more kids" is another way of saying he's checked out without actually doing it...

He wants you to end it, so he doesn't have to "toomuachtohandle divorced me when DS was a baby, no idea why....yada yada"

How old is your child?
I can't comment on the infidelity as that is a separate issue, but my DH only wanted one and I wanted two. He changed his mind when our oldest was about 1. Just sharing an experience.

Ime the resentment may well destroy your marriage. Maybe you will have a second dc. Just not with dh..
Imo he isn't in yours for the long haul...

and while he's appearing to check back in to the relationship, basically saying "no more kids" is another way of saying he's checked out without actually doing it...
Whereas maybe I'm being too sympathetic but I see someone rebuilding a relationship after infidelity choosing not to bring another child into a relationship that is still rocky in places.

Then again I've seen too many people thing a second baby will patch over issues or allow issues to be ignored due to focusing on the new baby that i find it refreshing to hear someone saying let's look at what we've got.

I don't think he does want me to leave him, he persuaded me at length to stay. Could be wrong of course. And I know another child won't heal the wounds. I could possibly accept it in other circumstances, but the combined weight of these two sadnesses feels like a lot. I've had to be terribly strong and have done my best to be a good wife and new mother under difficult circumstances. This may sound petulant but I just feel like I deserve better than another blow and disappointment

OP does he know how you feel, have you actually spoken to him clearly about how hurt your were that he cheated while you were pregnant with a much longed for baby?

Does he recognise what a fucker he has been?

And btw you absolutely do deserve better than this.

I don't think I expressed it as well as I would have liked to, I was in shock and just trying to bumble through being a new mum. I remember just feeling too vulnerable.

We have worked really hard to make things work and I'd started to feel happy and secure again, and excited for a future together. But this feels like too much.

On the plus side, I have a perfect DS. Being his mum is the best thing in the world. So I'm tremendously lucky

. In fact, it's because he's just so wonderful that I'd love to do it again!

I would not have more children with a man that was unfaithful. I would not have stayed with him, obviously your choice based on circumstances at the time but don't give yourself more ties to him. Plus that would mean having sex with him how grim

i am assuming your DS is still a baby/very young toddler? most people dont automatically say they want another one while they are still in the baby stage. most get about 2-3 years in and then the nostalgia for a new born kicks in and the wanting to provide a playmate for the firstborn.

It doesn't sound petulant at all OP. You've been hurt and are in a difficult position. You're totally justified in feeling however you feel.

It must feel like another blow, but I do think he's right to take a second child off the table, at least for now. In a year's time if and when things have healed a bit more then it can always be reviewed if you choose to stay in the relationship.

It sounds like your ds is still quite young. Maybe your dh wants to focus on rebuilding your relationship rather than bring another child into a still rocky relationship. Also is he worried that if you do get pregnant again you won't enjoy it as you will be reminded of what happened the first time.

I think I would have to say to him, "Okay, if that's how you feel then obviously I have to reconsider things. You knew I wanted two children. You destroyed my happiness in my only pregnancy and now you won't let me experience it again. We want different things, so I need some time now to think about the best way forward."

I'm not considering wanting another one for a couple of years at least. To be honest, I really just wanted to be able to tell somebody what I'm going through it's helped, so thank you for listening. The clear answer for me is to focus on the lovely DS I do have and see if I can arrange some counselling or something to help me unpack the other issues

I'm going to be honest, he sounds like an arsehole. He ruins your first pregnancy and months of being a new mother, then says you can't have any more

I'd tell him to fuck off and find a better person next time to have children with, sorry to be blunt. Any man who cheats on a pregnant wife is the lowest pondscum of all in my book.

You have to live with this for the rest of your life.

I don't know why you want another child with someone who was unfaithful to you. In any case, as you are still breast feeding, your boy must still be a baby and it's a bit soon to be thinking of having another.

Please concentrate on your existing relationships before introducing another.

He's so wonderful? I'd hate to see what you're idea of awful is if a man who acted like a dick during his wife's pregnancy, cheated on his pregnant wife and sounds like a domineering arsehole is your idea of wonderful.

Tuxedo she means her son. 🙄