Husband doesn't want second child- so sad

[toomuchtohandle]

Hi,
Hoping somebody can offer me some advice or just comforting words. I've always been very honest with my husband from the start that I wanted two children. My sister has been a wonderful friend to me throughout my life- I know that's not a given with siblings but it's what I personally hope for for my own children. We now have a beautiful DS and he has told me he wants no more.

I'm devastated. Not because my DS isn't 'enough', but I feel this gnawing grief for the child I still desperately want. I've had some terribly painful things to cope with on top of this. I discovered infidelity during the pregnancy which I felt I had to work through given I was about to have a baby. The sadness and loss of security has left me raw inside. I stayed on the condition he gave his absolute all to our family, which he has done. He's a good father and has been supportive and loving to me. Our marriage has been good since, but this latest blow feels like too much to bear.

I wouldn't break up our family for a potential hypothetical child alone, but with the history I feel like he's snatched happiness from me again. My pregnancy was spoiled by the immense stress of what he did. I would dearly love to experience the expectation of a child without the misery I felt with my first.

I don't even know why I'm posting really. I have no one who I can talk to about this, I feel too humiliated to admit what he did to anyone.

He might be a good father. But he is a shit husband. To cheat on a pregnant women (who you are married to) is the absolute lowest of low.

I typed way more stuff but deleted it. As i just realised you want another baby with a man who slept with someone else whilst you were carrying HIS child.

This man checked out of this marriage long time ago. Time for you to do so too.

I wanted a third (I'm male), DP didn't. It took me a very long time (10 years) to get over it. Truthfully with hindsight I'm not sure I'd make the same decision.

So sorry to hear about the infidelity during your pregnancy, and if he knew you wanted two kids then he's being unreceptive and even a bit callous/dismissive.

Do not give up your chance of having more kids for a man who was unfaithful to you. He’s not honest and he ruined your first experience of being a mum. Why would you sacrifice everything for a man who clearly doesn’t love you? Imagine in 10 years time when he does it again (because he will won’t he) and then you’re too old to have more and have given up your life for him while you sit and watch him have babies with another woman, probably the woman he will cheat on you with. Screw that. Take back power. You’ve done fertility treatment before. Do it again. You don’t have to have a bloke to have a baby. You’re sacrificing your darling DS having a sibling and that relationship for the rest of his life for that dickhead? Is your DS going to thank you for making him be an only child when his dad is mooning over his new wife and other kids at some point in the future?

He calls all the shots does he?

Is unfaithful and won't have another child, despite you continuing in a relationship where he cheated and you have been upfront about having two children.

What exactly does he give you?

In this case it's a blessing the doesn't want a second child, then op would be stuck with 2 kids by a cheater instead of just one.

*he

I’m kind of going to go against the grain here:

I wanted a second child, my DH didn’t. I ignored the collective Mumsnet wisdom and had a 2nd child anyway. My DH didn’t acknowledge my pregnancy for the first 6 months, but eventually he came around and loves DC2 just as much as DC1.

Your marriage is already strained, it may or may not last regardless of another DC. So, if financially you’re in a position to support yourself and 2 DC should DH leave then I’d go ahead and have another child. If you don’t have a second child now, who’s to say you’ll be in a position to do so in the future and why would you give that up for such a selfish bastard?

I have to admit, I don’t think the above is great advice, but it’s what I would do if I was desperate for a second child.

@InfiltrationSystem

But he doesn't want to.
Are you suggesting she get pregnant without his agreement.
They conceived with fertility treatment before.
He has to agree.

It's better to leave before your child is older and really misses his father.
I'd really consider hard whether the sacrifices you are making, are worth it.
What happens if he leaves you a few years down the line. You might end up without him and without another child. Your child will be more affected too.

Also;

My DH didn’t acknowledge my pregnancy for the first 6 months

Delightful.
Not a great situation for having a baby in.
Your DH may have 'come around' but you don't know what the long-term/residual effect of your decision/behaviour may be.

(Did you pretend you were using contraception and didn't or how did you go ahead when he didn't want another child? That could cause serious long-term, underlying resentment, even if he does love your 2nd equally now).

Are you sure the affair is definitely over?? Crosses my mind that the ow may still be on the scene, but he tells her he can't leave his baby, but of COURSE you aren't still together-together! Only staying cos she (op) wouldn't let me see my son..... blah blah...

So yeah, LTB.

Are you sure the affair is definitely over?? Crosses my mind that the ow may still be on the scene, but he tells her he can't leave his baby, but of COURSE you aren't still together-together! Only staying cos she (op) wouldn't let me see my son..... blah blah...

I'm afraid that's what I'm thinking too.

Because another pregnancy would make it very hard for him to deny you're sleeping together and that - at least as far as he's making out to you - it's a committed relationship you're in

Was it a full blown affair? Is she still in his life? What has HE done towards strengthening your relationship? Seems like you're doing the heavy lifting to me and in all likelihood the relationship won't last anyway.

I think he's being sensible tbh. You said he cheated during first pregnancy so you're relationship isn't the best is it.
Why bring another child into such a fragile home.
Very rarely do relationships go the distance after someone strays so why have 2 kids from a broken home

Oh dear. I can see you're not ready to deal with this right now, but I will say, the longer you stay with this man, the more of your life you will waste on someone who has treated you appallingly.

You minimise his cheating on you whilst pregnant as a way to cope. One day, use this anger and turn it into something productive that allows you to leave him.

Sorry to say it but he will cheat again, or I suspect he's still keeping the OW on the side. There's no other reason why he doesn't want any more children. Sorry OP.

Your relationship doesn't sound ideal for another child and being a single mother of one is easier and more affordable than of 2. Look at other ways to make you happy - which maybe leaving--rather than having a baby which would further trap you in your relationship

Dump him. He cheated on you. Your self - esteem is in the gutter and you deserve way better. The baby is a separate issue.