Husband doesn't want second child- so sad

[toomuchtohandle]

Hi,
Hoping somebody can offer me some advice or just comforting words. I've always been very honest with my husband from the start that I wanted two children. My sister has been a wonderful friend to me throughout my life- I know that's not a given with siblings but it's what I personally hope for for my own children. We now have a beautiful DS and he has told me he wants no more.

I'm devastated. Not because my DS isn't 'enough', but I feel this gnawing grief for the child I still desperately want. I've had some terribly painful things to cope with on top of this. I discovered infidelity during the pregnancy which I felt I had to work through given I was about to have a baby. The sadness and loss of security has left me raw inside. I stayed on the condition he gave his absolute all to our family, which he has done. He's a good father and has been supportive and loving to me. Our marriage has been good since, but this latest blow feels like too much to bear.

I wouldn't break up our family for a potential hypothetical child alone, but with the history I feel like he's snatched happiness from me again. My pregnancy was spoiled by the immense stress of what he did. I would dearly love to experience the expectation of a child without the misery I felt with my first.

I don't even know why I'm posting really. I have no one who I can talk to about this, I feel too humiliated to admit what he did to anyone.

I was going to say the same as BrieAndChilli. It may be too soon for him.
After my DD I was the one saying ‘never again’, partly because of the birth and partly because of the overwhelming sense of anxiety I felt looking after DD. But once things settled down, I felt better physically and DD turned 2 I felt ready to do it again.
I honestly think you would feel resentful if the option of a second was permanently discounted.

I meant my little boy. Of course this isn't my idea of wonderful. You may think I'm a fool but I've tried to muddle through and do what is best for my boy.

Because you needed fertility treatment with your husband doesn't mean you will 100% need it with someone else. I had a friend who needed it with her ex partner, then they split up and she met someone else years later found out they were pregnant.

Maybe your husband would change his mind in a few years? If your not wanting one yet maybe don't put on the pressure about having another one yet. He may decide he misses the baby stage once your Ds is older.

Cheating on your pregnant partner takes a special level of low-life; I would seriously reconsider staying in the marriage.

The other advantage is the opportunity to have a second longed for child. If treatment worked before, it could work again.

Breaking them up; he'll see him, he'll have time with him. If would be much better to do it before your son is aware of any change.

Your partners behaviour is so bad that I wouldn't have faith you won't break up in future, due to his behaviour or him leaving you for another ow.

*It

Btw you wouldn't be breaking them up; he did that himself when he formed a relationship (of some type) and had sex with another woman, while he was a foetus in his mummy's womb.

• your son, obviously.

If you can't be loyal when you've made a new life with someone, and that little person will be here in less than 9 months; when can you be loyal.

I'd look into the practicalities of separation if I were you, just out of interest.

You sound like you’re carrying too much and he nothing at all

I don’t think you should stay with him and look for happiness elsewhere

He’s making you doubt yourself to the extent you will have counselling when it’s him who did this to you

He doesn’t deserve you

Do you think he found the fertility treatment stressful?(NOT an excuse to cheat at all BTW),and maybe worries you will both be under stress again a second time?.I think if he persuaded you at length to stay ,and
you obviously dont want to break up your family, then it might be wise to have some counselling together if possible .This would shine a light on how he felt about your pregnancy and why he felt the need to cheat ,also his feelings against more children and how he feels about your feelings as well

You're assuming staying with your husband is best for your little boy; there are arguments on both sides about that.

Besides, you can personally, on your own, try to be the best parent you can be; but that doesn't have to be at your own expense. You matter too. You have rights too. One of them is not to be cheated on at all, but especially when you're pregnant with your partner's child. How utterly shit that your pregnancy and the arrival of your lovely son was tainted by that .. and all that stress, at the worst possible time. Your husband didn't really gaf about your welfare, and by default your baby's. That's not great father material.

Oh wow OP, so you were clear all along you wanted 2 children and he agreed and now he has changed his mind. And he cheated on you. You do realise he is controlling and abusive right? I mean if you were doing this and he wanted the other child I would say you had tricked him too - so it is not because of his gender that I am saying he is abusive.

I would concentrate on you for the next year - please just ignore him and focus on you and your needs. Then when you have the strength either leave him (what I would do) and find someone else to love or else stay on condition that you can have the agreed second child.

BTW - he will cheat again.

He’s making you doubt yourself to the extent you will have counselling when it’s him who did this to you

Seconded.

why he felt the need to cheat

Noone feels the need to cheat. They choose to, usually in a series of decisions.

I can tell you why he cheated without the need for a counsellor;

He lacks integrity.
He is selfish.

Joint counseling with a cheater - what a waste of time. All a load of faffy shite to make the victim somehow responsible as well; they're not.

I would have liked a third child. Like you, there had been infidelity that I managed to move on from. My (now) ex was adamant he wanted no more children and I accepted that. He's now married to someone else, and has had two children with her.

It's hard to deal with hurtful facts, but I had to accept that he did want more children, just not with me. Think how you'll feel in ten years time if your DH has children with someone else. You need to look at things clearly while young enough to make a life elsewhere.

You need to separate the issues really. He was unfaithful and that is something you'll need to consider if you can get over or not.

But not wanting another child is not him being selfish - it's just how some people feel (and often only for a period of time). I know DH wants 2 kids and I thought I did too, until we had DS almost 3yrs ago and since then I've said no more as I feel complete with my only son. A child is something you both have to be 100% in agreement about and you have to respect the others feelings. Likely he isn't saying no to more children to hurt you. He just doesn't want another child and is being honest.

The infidelity is different. Obviously that is disrespectful to you and unacceptable. However, people can change and many couples do overcome this and go on to have fulfilling marriages. The crux is whether you think you actually want that now, or whether the trust is truly broken.

Maybe he doesn't trust himself to be faithful if you got pregnant again....

IME people who cheat once will do it again. And he may well go on to have kids with someone else if you split up despite saying he doesn't want them with you.

It's hard to say what I would do in your shoes but if you are young, I'd definitely be tempted to find someone else who wants to have a child.

I'd look into the practicalities of separation if I were you, just out of interest.

Btw I didn't mean this minute - I understand how very hard it is to think and plan anything when you're pregnant and then have a new baby; it's incredibly demanding physically and emotionally, and leaves you with so little in the tank to deal with anything, let alone huge life & relationship decisions.

But I do think you shouldn't consider your decision made, the case closed .. he doesn't deserve you and a family with you.

Break up with him and give yourself a chance to have another baby in the future with someone else.

I also agree with other people that he could leave and go on to have a child/ren with someone else, it's not impossible. And the longer/later you leave it, the more challenging it is for you to have another. (It's also not impossible that you could adopt another. I know a friend of s friend who adopted a second due to fertility issues, and my cousin is in the process of adopting a child they've had since a month or so old).

He has shown a distinct (understatement) lack of commitment to your relationship and family; cheating on you while pregnant with your first and now refusing a second.

If you're going to stay with him you should get couple's counselling. It's an absolute essential IMO. And you'll need a good therapist, not someone who's going to ignore, minimise or defend the infidelity.

He might change his mind about wanting another child but the infidelity is the big issue that needs addressing before the two of you can even consider having another.

OP, does your DH understand the depth of your feelings here? There's a world of difference between saying no because you couldn't imaging being more happy (if I have understood you correctly) and believing that for some reason a second child would make him unhappy.

If he doesn't think another child would make him unhappy, just not more happy then he is now, why on earth would he deny you this thing that's so important to you. Especially after all the hurt he's caused you, and quite recently too. And after wanting you to stay with him so much. It seems very odd indeed that he would rule it out in this way.

Unless he's lying.

I don't know OP, but from this very distant perspective something doesn't add up.

I wouldn’t have another child with someone who cheated on you during your pregnancy! He is not a good person!

Many men (and women) love the idea of a family until they realise how much work it is. If you want another child I suspect it will have to be by yourself. If you choose to stay I fear every wrong move he makes throughout your lives will be added to the already growing resentment. Not sure you have a long term future at this point!

You said that he is a good father, supportive and loving! You don't mention that he loves you!

So Im guessing that he doesn't (sorry) x