Dating and losing hope

[CatPunsFreakMeowt]

I’ve had a bit of a rough ride in my dating life over the last year.

I met up with someone off tinder right at the beginning of March. Had been on quite a few dates with other people by this time so when things felt different (in a good way) I was hopeful.

After just our first date he was upset about me going on another date I had pre-arranged before meeting him. He said he hadn’t been interested in other people after we met. I felt exactly the same so cancelled the other date.

Things moved quite quickly (not at my suggestion) and we have been seeing each other at least once but usually twice a week. This is always a sleepover (but not always sex).

He’s broken up with me 3 times already. He seems prone to stress and overthinking. It’s like he panics, dumps me, then realises he’s made a mistake on impulse and asks to get back together.

The most recent break up was Saturday. He said he was too stressed and exhausted with work and it wasn’t fair on me. Sunday evening he called me, drunk and saying he was about to hand his notice in. I tried to talk him out of it. He was in a bad way. Saying he felt on the edge, couldn’t take any more etc. Also telling me he loves me and I might have to go through some hard times with him. He said he needed help and asked me to come over.

I did and found him asleep drunk on the sofa. Got him into bed. Asked him to unlock his phone so I could see what he’d said to work. While I was on there a tinder notification popped up. I was so upset - how could he tell me he didn’t have time for work and a relationship but be looking for someone else 24 hours later?

To my shame I went onto his messages. It’s no excuse but I’ve never snooped before. I found out that during the early stages of us getting together he was still sleeping with other people. I’m just so hurt that while he was telling me what a good feeling he had about us, didn’t want me dating other people, he was doing that. I had no idea and feel so stupid. Also feel pathetically sad for myself that while I was in that blissful, hopeful stage he was still shagging around. He even had someone over for sex after I’d slept at his house for the first time (we didn’t have sex).

I feel blindsided. I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex. The only saving grace is that he stopped meeting them once we had actually had sex.

I just don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone when I’m oblivious that they’re lying to me at the time. I’m 28, want to have a family and DC. But struggling so much to have the resilience to put myself back out there when nothing seems to work out for me.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated as I’m feeling so low.

Not managed to block him yet @Rockinmomma but contact is v. low. Just him asking how I am really. He is meant to be paying for some damage he accidentally did to my car at the end of month. I’ll probably wait until that’s done before I completely stop talking to him as don’t want to jeopardise that.

You are just trying to avoid taking the final step and you know it .

Here's the activities myself and other MN posters have concluded have the best chance of blokes ;

Hiking, climbing, tennis, cycling, photography, sailing (n.b. the theory courses for sailing/boating are majority male), volunteering like mountain rescue/ coastguard/rnli, kayaking/canoeing horse racing meets ..

Any socialising you do at all will increase your chances so take every social opp going.

Meetup is an option.

Obviously some people will not be single, some not your type, that's the way it goes. It's a numbers game.

I met my last two partners by socialising with my female cousin (his sister was in a relationship with my male cousin) and through sailing (his kids were taking part).

If I didn’t want DC I’d be happy to stay single too!

Sorry to be blunt, OP:
But just what is the semen quality of an alcoholic these days?
If not for yourself do your future children the biggest kindness of all and tell him goodbye.

I'm sorry you're struggling, Op,

But just what is the semen quality of an alcoholic these days?

Ha, given how many substance dependent people seem to be able to get knocked up/knock people up and put their kids in our ss system, o wouldn't focus on that .. it's more the bit after conception that wouldn't work.

If I didn’t want DC I’d be happy to stay single too!

So you just want a sperm donor then? No need to involve an actual man at all. Single women are able to use official sperm donors so you could go down that route and avoid men altogether.

That comment has got me wondering what kind of vibe you are giving off to your dates. I remember all too well being your age and feeling the pressure to get married and have children. That pressure had me getting pregnant to, and marrying a very abusive man who 13 years later is now abusing the children and still emotionally abusing me.

Biological clocks and low self esteem have a lot to answer for in terms of women being in shit relationships. I strongly recommend looking at the freedom programme and getting some therapy to explore your self esteem and boundary issues so that you make better choices going forward.

So you just want a sperm donor then?

FFS she didn't say that, she just said she'd like to have kids.

Haven't you learned from your last piece of extreme ear bashing and hectoring about attention seeking? You then wrote something more tactful and helpful .. so you're actually choosing to run off at the mouth like this.

Women over 30 without kids will always be assumed to be slaves to their biological clocks, desperate to settle down and have kids, no matter what you say or do. If you say you're not you'll be accused it lying/the lady with protest too much. If you day you would like kids, you want s sperm donor and are scaring potential partners off.

You can't win, though it's usually sexist men and older relatives who are doing this, how lovely to have MN posters pile on.

*the lady doth protest too much

🙄

It's quite obvious from her slapping down of Atilla that the OP is only interested in sympathy rather than hearing anything constructive that will help her. As I've already said, many of us here have experienced similar situations and are offering advice based on that (and countless threads on here).

Others have said similar to me so kindly stop targeting me with your comments.

Even though it’s not what I really want to do, I’m open to blocking him once the car is paid for it it’s going to help me.

You don’t even want to block him AFTER you get your money? It’s not about the money at all then, is it.

Why are you not protecting yourself from this treatment?

Gordon Bennett woman, you're only 28! You'll find someone else with whom you can settle down and have children but all in due course. Would you really want to have a child with a man like him who boozes and doesn't know how to behave himself? Someone above mentioned the semen of alcoholics and it is true that sperm production deteriorates with drinking, some can barely produce half a teaspoonful.

Cut your losses and be open to other relationships but in the meantime, try to enjoy being single. These are the best years of your life if only you knew it.