Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating and losing hope

87 replies

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 12/06/2019 10:52

I’ve had a bit of a rough ride in my dating life over the last year.

I met up with someone off tinder right at the beginning of March. Had been on quite a few dates with other people by this time so when things felt different (in a good way) I was hopeful.

After just our first date he was upset about me going on another date I had pre-arranged before meeting him. He said he hadn’t been interested in other people after we met. I felt exactly the same so cancelled the other date.

Things moved quite quickly (not at my suggestion) and we have been seeing each other at least once but usually twice a week. This is always a sleepover (but not always sex).

He’s broken up with me 3 times already. He seems prone to stress and overthinking. It’s like he panics, dumps me, then realises he’s made a mistake on impulse and asks to get back together.

The most recent break up was Saturday. He said he was too stressed and exhausted with work and it wasn’t fair on me. Sunday evening he called me, drunk and saying he was about to hand his notice in. I tried to talk him out of it. He was in a bad way. Saying he felt on the edge, couldn’t take any more etc. Also telling me he loves me and I might have to go through some hard times with him. He said he needed help and asked me to come over.

I did and found him asleep drunk on the sofa. Got him into bed. Asked him to unlock his phone so I could see what he’d said to work. While I was on there a tinder notification popped up. I was so upset - how could he tell me he didn’t have time for work and a relationship but be looking for someone else 24 hours later?

To my shame I went onto his messages. It’s no excuse but I’ve never snooped before. I found out that during the early stages of us getting together he was still sleeping with other people. I’m just so hurt that while he was telling me what a good feeling he had about us, didn’t want me dating other people, he was doing that. I had no idea and feel so stupid. Also feel pathetically sad for myself that while I was in that blissful, hopeful stage he was still shagging around. He even had someone over for sex after I’d slept at his house for the first time (we didn’t have sex).

I feel blindsided. I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex. The only saving grace is that he stopped meeting them once we had actually had sex.

I just don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone when I’m oblivious that they’re lying to me at the time. I’m 28, want to have a family and DC. But struggling so much to have the resilience to put myself back out there when nothing seems to work out for me.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated as I’m feeling so low.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 11:28

(you also said he specifically asked you not to go on more dates and that the prospect was making him upset/uncomfortable).

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 11:30

This is a guy who likes his women faithful & exclusive, while he's not .. that's not a man you want to get into a serious relationship with.

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 12:22

Not managed to block him yet @Rockinmomma but contact is v. low. Just him asking how I am really. He is meant to be paying for some damage he accidentally did to my car at the end of month. I’ll probably wait until that’s done before I completely stop talking to him as don’t want to jeopardise that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 12:23

Everything you’re saying is right @Moralitym1n1 Sad

I somehow need to take it on board instead of being led by my feelings for him Sad

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 12:29

some damage he accidentally did to my car

FFS he really is a general disaster area, isn't he.

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 12:32

@Moralitym1n1 I know it sounds bad but he was genuinely trying to do a nice thing by moving the car closer to his house for me. Has kerbed the alloys in the process.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 12:32

I somehow need to take it on board instead of being led by my feelings for him sad

The only cure for catching feelings is separation, time, keeping very busy etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 12:36

Who the fk can't move a car a little bit without damaging alloys - did you say he drinks too much; was he hungover/not fully sober.

With all the job shit (you should most definitely not be having to talk someone down from resigning their job (with no firm alternative in place?) relatively early in a relationship (or at all really), and the on/off, dumping you and then wanting back crap ... On top of this. He just seems all over the place.

And that's not even getting on to the hypocritical, dishonest cheating!

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 12:37

Instead of being a "virgin, who can't drive" .. he's a cheat, who can't drive. Wink

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 13:00

did you say he drinks too much; was he hungover/not fully sober

I’m really not sure @Moralitym1n1 . I don’t drink and quite clueless about how long it takes to leave the system. On a typical night I’d say he has 5-6 cans of lager and a couple of pints at the pub. He moved my car late afternoon so hopefully would have been sober then?

Usually stops drinking between 22:00-23:00 and drives to work at 8am. He’s 6ft 5 so tall but has a slim build. The drinking then driving to work does worry me.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 13:22

On a typical night I’d say he has 5-6 cans of lager and a couple of pints at the pub

Usually stops drinking between 22:00-23:00 and drives to work at 8am.

Every night, week day nights?

Other posters have already mentioned his drinking but o haven't RTFT throughout sorry.

He may have sobered up (,re your car) but in general that doesn't sound good.

Tbh though I'd advise getting out on the basis of the cheating and the indecision/flakiness. This is just yet another issue.

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 13:46

Yes every night @Moralitym1n1

On the evenings before his days off he has substantially more.

You’re right though, this is just another issue, on top of the others. Thank you for your help Flowers

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/06/2019 14:05

I'll never understand the need that some people have to stay in contact with someone who is no good for them and who everyone has advised them to block. It's as though they like the attention.

I think what @AttilaTheMeerkat said is spot on. She's given me excellent advice before and helped me see how my Mr Wonderful was actually abusive.

Your bar is low. Otherwise you'd have blocked him.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 14:21

She needs to get her car money off him before she blocks him.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/06/2019 14:23

Ah missed that bit, sorry. I can't see that she'll get the money though.

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 15:15

Likewise @DtPeabodysLoosePants I don’t understand why you’d post messages like that to someone who has already said they are low and tearful. It’s unkind at best, and sadistic at worst. I feel rubbish enough without you sticking the boot in.

OP posts:
Happinessbegins · 14/06/2019 15:34

Why hasn’t he given you the money?

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 15:39

I can't see that she'll get the money though.

Maybe not but it's worth a try.

It's as though they like the attention.

Do you really think it's about attention - you can't imagine ant emotional attachment/investment, and limerence, any wondering if anyone else will be much better because so many people have issues, ant feeling of personal failure even though it's not their failure.

If everyone could do what you expect just like that, there'd be a nearly empty relationships board on here.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/06/2019 15:40

*Any

And I've only mentioned a few possible reasons, there are plenty more (other than liking the attention).

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 15:48

@Happinessbegins He hasn’t got enough money until he gets paid at the end of the month.

Thank you @Moralitym1n1

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 14/06/2019 15:54

Don't settle for second best (not even that), he is not playing fair with you, messing you about and lying. What is a young woman like you doing with a dead leg like him? You're worth so much more.

Get rid and quickly. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/06/2019 16:09

Can't you see that by hanging on to get your money back that he will use that to manipulate you further and that he's likely to take as long as possible to pay you, if he does at all, in order to keep communication open?
And maybe the word attention is harsh, but it is an ego boost when your self esteem is as low as to accept someone like this in your life, when they keep contacting you.
So many of us have been there but the only way to be free is the block and delete method. Like ripping off a plaster.
I'm sorry he's an alcoholic and a bastard but be glad that he's shown his true colours early on. Although I suspect if you hadn't have seen those messages that you'd still be playing the rescuer to him and still be with him. Have you actually ended the relationship?

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 16:22

Thank you @Bluerussian I’ve been on lots of dates before I met him and it feels like it’s slim pickings rather than plenty of fish, but I know deep down that’s not enough reason to stay with him.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants I think it would probably suit him to not have communication open actually. He signed back up to tinder the day he last dumped me so it’d probably suit him to not be reminded of the upset he’s caused and crack on with meeting someone new.

I’m not getting an ego boost from him contacting me. It’s actually quite upsetting. I’ve gone from seeing him 4 days a week, speaking regularly through the day when apart, to a couple of messages.

No we aren’t together as of the weekend and I’m trying to stay strong but it’s hard.

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 14/06/2019 16:33

Does he owe you a lot of money for the car? Or basically is it money you could afford to forget about for the benefit of never having contact again? There's mental freedom in blocking. It's liberating and enables you to move on.
OLD is hard (I've given up as I've discovered I prefer being single now I'm in my 40s) and I'm sorry you are feeling shitThanks

Original poster
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 14/06/2019 16:52

@DtPeabodysLoosePants It’s not an amount I can afford to forget about but I’m not actively having contact with him either. I haven’t called him and I’ve only replied to his messages asking how I am. I’ve told him honestly that I’m feeling really low. Hopefully that will make him think twice about how he treats the next woman.

Even though it’s not what I really want to do, I’m open to blocking him once the car is paid for it it’s going to help me. I’ll definitely be removing him from my social media incase he moves on quickly as that will really sting. Especially when he’s told me he’s too stressed and exhausted with work for a relationship.

Thank you, OLD is brutal Flowers If I didn’t want DC I’d be happy to stay single too!

OP posts: