Dating and losing hope

[CatPunsFreakMeowt]

I’ve had a bit of a rough ride in my dating life over the last year.

I met up with someone off tinder right at the beginning of March. Had been on quite a few dates with other people by this time so when things felt different (in a good way) I was hopeful.

After just our first date he was upset about me going on another date I had pre-arranged before meeting him. He said he hadn’t been interested in other people after we met. I felt exactly the same so cancelled the other date.

Things moved quite quickly (not at my suggestion) and we have been seeing each other at least once but usually twice a week. This is always a sleepover (but not always sex).

He’s broken up with me 3 times already. He seems prone to stress and overthinking. It’s like he panics, dumps me, then realises he’s made a mistake on impulse and asks to get back together.

The most recent break up was Saturday. He said he was too stressed and exhausted with work and it wasn’t fair on me. Sunday evening he called me, drunk and saying he was about to hand his notice in. I tried to talk him out of it. He was in a bad way. Saying he felt on the edge, couldn’t take any more etc. Also telling me he loves me and I might have to go through some hard times with him. He said he needed help and asked me to come over.

I did and found him asleep drunk on the sofa. Got him into bed. Asked him to unlock his phone so I could see what he’d said to work. While I was on there a tinder notification popped up. I was so upset - how could he tell me he didn’t have time for work and a relationship but be looking for someone else 24 hours later?

To my shame I went onto his messages. It’s no excuse but I’ve never snooped before. I found out that during the early stages of us getting together he was still sleeping with other people. I’m just so hurt that while he was telling me what a good feeling he had about us, didn’t want me dating other people, he was doing that. I had no idea and feel so stupid. Also feel pathetically sad for myself that while I was in that blissful, hopeful stage he was still shagging around. He even had someone over for sex after I’d slept at his house for the first time (we didn’t have sex).

I feel blindsided. I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex. The only saving grace is that he stopped meeting them once we had actually had sex.

I just don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone when I’m oblivious that they’re lying to me at the time. I’m 28, want to have a family and DC. But struggling so much to have the resilience to put myself back out there when nothing seems to work out for me.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated as I’m feeling so low.

"I have no innate desire to rescue any one, I’d much rather meet someone who didn’t need any help. My downfall probably is that I care too much and want to help/ support the people I care about. I find it hard to turn my back on someone if they’re struggling".

He was struggling anyway prior to you meeting him.

You're caring about the wrong man here; he does not need you to care for him. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and here you're being both.

You wrote this earlier:-
"After a couple of bad experiences before him it’s just been nice to have someone who is consistent in their contact and doesn’t ghost"

That is why I wrote what I did; he is indeed the latest disaster of a man you've hooked up with.

All you have to understand about this bloke is that he is an arse and you are well rid. There is no need at all to try and work out why he is the ways he is.

He was struggling anyway prior to you meeting him

Good point.

That is why I wrote what I did; he is indeed the latest disaster of a man you've hooked up with.

That makes it sound like I’m working my way through a stream of bad men when I’m not. I’ve also had lots of lovely dates, even if I haven’t wanted to take them any further.

I think that’s why the inference that I have a self-esteem problem stings a bit. I do have a high bar and won’t put up with abusive behaviour from men. In a large part thanks to Mumsnet!

He sounds an absolute bell-end. I would take control of the situation by blocking him on my phone and social media. His only interest is when/where his next drink will come from. He deserves for karma to bite his arse treating you in that manner.

You said you cancel the date you had arranged with another. I would in time chat to the other guy and maybe arrange another date if you still have his details. Good luck you deserve a nice guy not a fucking bell-end alcoholic 💐

OP I want to give you some external view on this. When I got half way through your opening post I couldn't believe you were actually continuing to date this man.

Do you know the prhrase - when someone shows you who he is- believe him? ???

Do you think if he is breaking up with you/ showing total emotional rollercoaster behaviour/ being a drunk IN THE FIRST FEW MONTHS - that this will change? Let me break this to you gently - this is the good bit, where he is supposed to be on his best behaviour impressing you.

Five to six drinks a night is ALCOHOLIC. I drink a lot (like often I drink every day ) _ that is very very serious drinking - way beyond normal.

Please please please (and more pleases) do NOT waste your twenties on this man.

I am 41. It took me until I was about 30 to click what good relationships were meant to look like - and the only way I found that was by intensive therapy

I am going to guess that you grew up with poor role models for relationships - that you have low self esteem - that you have had many problematic relationships.

Please go to BACP website and find a local psychotherapist - it will change your life. Find your patterns - look at the sort of painful drama you are drawn to

I am going to tell you a real truth - real true love and commitment is so so much nicer than this bullshit - a man who can protect you/ can be a rock for you - is far more attractive than a loser like this.

He is a wreck - save yourself.

Thank you @letsdolunch321

Thank you also @waterrat

It’s scary to see people calling him an alcoholic.

I haven’t had many relationships full stop let alone problematic ones. I had a 10 year one that I ended when he wouldn’t seek help for a MH problem he developed. Otherwise a happy relationship and no hard feelings.

I stayed single and was very happy doing so for two years.

Then met a man by chance who seemed lovely but who ghosted me after a few months.

And then this one.

The bad experiences I’m talking about are the one who ghosted me after a few months and the ones who ghost off OLD.

My DParents are still together and love each other very much. The only bad role modelling they showed was arguing and consequently I won’t tolerate a man raising his voice at me, let alone a blazing row.

I’m definitely not drawn to drama. I’d much rather this man hadn’t any problems - I cared about him despite them.

Thank you for your insight. I hadn’t thought about the fact he should have been on best behaviour etc. I did believe him when he said he wanted to stop drinking on work nights and should have been more sceptical.

Ah op you think you are attracted to him despite the problems but that isn't true.

If you were not drawn to him and his problems you would not have been with him anymore once you learnt about them

You like the whole package of him-you are indeed attracted to his problems whether you consciously are aware of that or not.

This is where therapy comes in

Your parents arguing will have taught you subconscious lessons. Nobody on here can diagnose it..... But they will be there... Pushing you towards men without you realising why. It is the same for all of us

OMG...I am a man though my name is not Arnold. My best advice? Get rid asap.

@CatPunsFreakMeowt

Oh dear!! I feel like you’re dating my boyfriend. Except it’s usually me who tries to end it after he behaves like a teenage girl on her period (crying, moodiness). It’s all over in a matter of hours and he’s laughing and joking. It’s weird AF.

I find that having food handy helps. I feed him and it’s over a lot quicker. He really doesn’t cope.

I met him through online dating and suspected something strange was up very early on after becoming exclusive. So I set up a fake profile and found out he still had tinder on while we were on a date. I don’t think we matched though - even though I chose a fake photo who would be his type.

Anyway, I waited until we were out with his friends on a lovely day and I leaned into him, smiled and told him I knew and it was ok. He denied it of course. I told him that now that I’ve met his friends (and been to his Christmas party) I would appreciate it if he stopped doing it and that I could understand if he might have been addicted to it.

He went white and very serious.

The reason I did it that way was because I know at my age (38) we are all a little emotionally damaged and my previous behaviours in a relationship (yelling, acting upset) weren’t helping me.

I brought it up one time since (when we were fighting).

He’s clearly damaged and weak and pathetic. However, do you want that? I thought he was hedging his bets (and he was). I also knew I was prepared to play the long game.

I wouldn’t put up with your mans shit though. He’s basically told you that things are going to be pretty shitty with him. I would definitely detach and see if he chases you.

Meccacos that is terrible advice! Not sure what your suggesting? That at 38 you accept these behaviours (alcoholism, cheating, etc) because ‘That’s life’?!
Your relationship sounds just as messy

@Rockinmomma

Yes, it was terrible advice now I think of it.

I recognise I’m very much settling for a person similar to the OP’s boyfriend because of my age. It’s so hard finding someone at my age without baggage or children.

In my case he has no children but plenty of baggage.

He sounds terrible. A liar and a drunk.

It would be helpful to make a list of your values, boundaries, and deal breakers and stick to them.

His breaking up for no reason was just an excuse to go on a bender and shag other women for the weekend and then makeup up with you afterwards.

In the future, don't be committed to someone who isn't committed to you and you'll know by their actions. Keep dating others until the guy makes it very clear he wants to only be with you. This will help you avoid the tyre kickers and other good time Charlies who are happy shag you for a couple of months and disappear when they find someone else.

When you told him you had another date, he lied so he could lock you down while he did whatever he wanted to do. So dates are nobodies business.

Honestly run for the hills.

You've been seeing him for 3 months and he thinks you'll have some 'hard times ahead'. Just get out of there before you find yourself having been in a abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 10 years +

Honestly do not speak to him again this will ruin your life.

Sorry he turned out to be a nob, OP, it can be hard to filter them out in the early days.

I'm a fair bit older and having been through this nonsense several times, I think you may have overlooked a few red flags, because he was otherwise nice. Things that particularly jumped out at me were:

Things like objecting to you going on another pre-arranged date after you just met are not cool. It either hints at insecurity, jealousy or controlling tendencies. All of which are a big no. Do not change your plans for a guy after one date - even if you want to. A kind respectful guy would accept you already had plans, and you'll know right away he's a bad 'un if he tries to push the matter or manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Repeated breakups -also a dick move. NEVER go back - if someone dumps you that should be it, there's no excuse for repeatedly breaking up with you, it's cruel and disrespectful. This is a one-strike offence.

The drinking - daily drinking (or drugs) is a BAD sign and an instant NO from me. It's just not worth the long term pain.

You sound like a lovely caring person, but you need to put yourself first when dating and not accept any bullshit. Judge their reality, not their potential. All the 'I want to stop drinking' etc is nonsense until they actually do - trust me I learnt that the hard way.

It took me a long time to spot the early signs of shitty behaviour to come - but its an invaluable skill when dating.

OMG you are only 28 !!! I wasn't even married at your age !

Why would you even consider a life like this ?

You want to spend the rest of your life in shit like this ???

So many red flags.

Why are you giving this cunt head space?

Thanks for the replies.

I haven’t gone back to him but I’m feeling so low and tearful. I don’t know why I’ve taken it badly this time - I normally feel crap for a day or two after a break up then start to gradually feel better. I just feel so hopeless about ever meeting the right person. I’ve cancelled other commitments, am staying at home and feeling really anxious.

It would be helpful to make a list of your values, boundaries, and deal breakers and stick to them.

I will do this.

Keep dating others until the guy makes it very clear he wants to only be with you.

He did do this and that’s partly why I feel so blindsided. He seemed genuinely upset at the thought of me going on the date. I thought he was ‘locking it down’ like men do when they’re really keen on someone.

I was going to tell you to get rid of him based on the on, off, dumping, asking back, mind changing, stressy' shit alone.

Then I read that while he insisted you not go on other dates and be exclusive he was having sex with other people ...

Fk No.

There really wasn't enough emphasis on that - FK NO.

As to why, sounds like a common garden liar, hypocrite (as well as an indecisive, stressy, unstable, pain in the arse).

Old/dating is a tough, numbers game.

The time you waste dealing with people like this is time you could've invested in meeting someone decent, they're few but they're there.

Also have old as only one strand of your dating 'strategy', do everything you can to meet new people and socialise 'in real life' as well.

I think you may have overlooked a few red flags, because he was otherwise nice

Yes, this is a good point. Despite this thread, he has been lovely and attentive to me in many ways. Always checks I’m ok, remembers important appts I have, cooks for me etc. I have put more value on that than his issues perhaps.

Judge their reality, not their potential. All the 'I want to stop drinking' etc is nonsense until they actually do - trust me I learnt that the hard way.

Thanks @diggitydamn for all your points but especially this.

Oh and I'm sure he was upset at the idea of you going on dates (and possibly having sexual contact) with other people; cheaters are upset & angry at the thought of their partners flirting or getting involved with other people. They're just immature, selfish, hypocrites.

Thanks @Moralitym1n1

He called me a couple of days ago and I told him how upsetting it was to find that out. Reminded him that I was the one happy to take it slowly and continue to date others. He got defensive and tried to say we weren’t exclusive, he could do what he wanted etc.

But that’s not what he was saying at the time at all. I’ve even got a message from him asking me to be his girlfriend, the next day he had sex with this woman. I didn’t actually agree because I thought it was too early and weird to be asking by text, but shows what his intentions seemed like at the time vs what I’ve now found out he was up to.

He’s not a nice guy OP
You will find better.
Have you blocked him yet? Go NC, the days will get easier

*He got defensive and tried to say we weren’t exclusive, he could do what he wanted etc.

But that’s not what he was saying at the time at all. I’ve even got a message from him asking me to be his girlfriend, the next day he had sex with this woman.*

So he's a lying gas lighting, hypocrite as well as all the other stuff. He's not trustworthy. I couldn't get past that behaviour.

And all the other stuff - he's a bit of a disaster area. Too much stress