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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU - to think this is conclusive evidence of an affair? ?

65 replies

Eve82 · 12/06/2019 10:13

I'd really like some perspective because I honestly feel like I'm going crazing, not posted before so hoping for some honest opinions. DH has a history of sending/receiving flirty texts (almost always with women at his work). Whenever I have confronted him, he just says its nothing/banter. He is very convincing at making me feel like I am overreacting whilst making big promises about not doing it again because he knows it upsets me..

Recent scenario:

DH had been particular moody with me over a period of weeks, everything I do seems to upset him, he has been very cold towards me and no physical contact.

I went to shop at weekend (about 45 mins) and when I came back DH was suddenly turned on and wanted sex immediately. I tried to brush it off but he was insistent so I gave in. It seemed really strange change in him so when he left the room I checked his phone (he had obviously deleted the previous history but this is the bit I saw and timings coincided with when I had been out):

Her: Hmm not sure you deserve a treat like that. What part of 'meet up and talk properly' is confusing you?

Him: Nothing, Why, Thought it would be a treat for you

Her: :-) and for you, but you keep changing your mind about involving xxx I feel safest with xxx as opposed to a stranger. Sort out a date with xxx for us together sometime.

I know it's a fantasy of his to involve someone else but until now I thought it was bedroom talk, not really serious. I've confronted him about the texts but he says it was just messing about and means nothing, he never had any intention of actually meeting her. She is someone I know and that he works with btw..I confronted her also and she was silent for 48 hours and then sent message saying sorry was just messing about (obviously after speaking to DH).

I have been to see a solicitor and told him I want a divorce but he says it's stupid/ridiculous to end our marriage and damage our DC's future on the basis of one text message.

AIBU to divorce on the basis of this one text message?

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 12/06/2019 10:19

If I found a message like that I would be bagging dh's stuff not posting on here.

CorbynsAnorak · 12/06/2019 10:20

It doesn’t sound like messing around, and even if it is is it’s massively overstepping the line! Do you know who xxx is?

Secretlifeofme · 12/06/2019 10:21

Who is xxx? Is it you OP or a third woman? This doesn't look good :( so sorry

Scorpvenus1 · 12/06/2019 10:25

End it and move on.

Find a better man, this weasel is not a good man.

I wouldn't stand for this at all. No way. hes damaging things and he also blames you, that's a toxic bastard alright :)

Macca84 · 12/06/2019 10:27

It's the excuse they use when there's zero other possible excuse they can use - and it's a crap one (understatement). My friend caught her DP sending vile messages recently. The excuse? "It was just a laugh" 🙄 Literally means fuck all. Gather some self respect and get the hell out of this marriage.

BestZebbie · 12/06/2019 10:29

It can't get much clearer than that, time for him to go. The problem that you are splitting up over isn't one text message, is it, it is basically the whole of your DH!

BlueCornishPixie · 12/06/2019 10:32

Your not ending it on the basis of the text, you're ending it because he has cheated.

Even if he is just messing around you don't text another woman 'messing around' about having a threesome, it's sexting at best!. Completely irrelevant if he would actually go through with it, he was texting another woman about having sex with her! It's over just for the text alone in my eyes, completely unacceptable.

What a wanker.

Notonthestairs · 12/06/2019 10:33

Let's just say he was messing about (he wasn't) - his behaviour shows a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage - that's why you splitting up not because of a text message. This is totally on him.

AliciaWhiskers · 12/06/2019 10:36

He is gaslighting, and you can choose to end a marriage for whatever reason you like. If this is the straw that broke the camels back, that’s reason enough. He is the one who has caused this by acting inappropriately, not you.

Ellabella989 · 12/06/2019 10:36

It would be a deal breaker for me. Even if I tried to forget about it and trust him again i’d never be able to and it would eat away at me. Once the trust is destroyed like that then it’s very difficult to ever be truly happy together again.
I think you’re doing the right thing in seeking a divorce. He sounds like a disrespectful twat!

QueSera · 12/06/2019 10:38

I can't see any good coming of this. He's messing with your head, shaking your confidence, making you insecure.
How long have you been married? Has he always been doing things like this?
Personally I couldn't be with someone who sent texts like that to other women, and basically acts like that towards me - it would be a betrayal of our relationship. He needs to sort himself out, MASSIVELY (but I can't see that happening as he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong), or I would leave the relationship.
Hope you're ok OP.

Mummoomoocow · 12/06/2019 10:40

If you let this go, you’ll just be paranoid and waiting for him to stick his dick in someone before you finally leave him

stucknoue · 12/06/2019 10:42

Only you know how you feel. If you cannot trust him and don't want to live wondering when he next will inappropriately text, possibly more then you need to decide if divorce is right for you. But don't rush, mediation might be a good first step

Lipz · 12/06/2019 10:44

This is obviously going on a while as he feels comfortable enough to discuss a threesome with her and even discuss the name of the 3rd person they want to involve. If it was just 'banter' there would not be a 3rd name mentioned. They've discussed this in dept, to me that would be the final straw. We all have a bit of banter, but this isn't banter he's arranging a threesome that doesn't involve you.

What stands out to me is, not that I've ever had a threesome, but I do know people who have and usually two of the people have already had sex before they bring in the 3rd person, do you think he's already had sex with this woman and now they are arranging a threesome ?

It's all fucked up tbh, your dh texting another woman like that, saying what he did, insisting you have sex after ignoring you, when he was clearly in contact with her beforehand.

If your gut is telling you he would be capable of this, then I'd listen to it. He's never going to admit what he has done so far, he will deny there is anything in the messages. I couldn't live like that, constantly having to check his phone to see what he is really up to and trying to catch him out and always wondering if he's cheating.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/06/2019 10:44

Yes, he is cheating on you or planning on it.

No chance could I continue a relationship after that. And it sounds like he has form for it too. Why have you put up with it for so long?

twattymctwatterson · 12/06/2019 10:48

Yes it's cheating. Also concerned about him insisting on sex and you giving in

AnyFucker · 12/06/2019 10:49

You would be a mug to stick with this man

Original poster
Eve82 · 12/06/2019 10:51

Thank you, I just needed some reassurance that this is not normal behaviour!

xxx is another friend of his

OP posts:
PeoniesarePink · 12/06/2019 10:53

It's called gaslighting.

He's making you think you're going mad, and he's acting normally.

He isn't. He's a lying cheat and you're worth better Flowers

IM0GEN · 12/06/2019 10:54

He’s already in a sexual relationship with her and he’s pressing her to have a threesome with XXX

There’s no other way to read these texts.

He’s a lying cheating bastard. That’s why you are leaving him.

Original poster
Eve82 · 12/06/2019 10:55

Lipz yes this is exactly how I feel, they must have already had sex to be seriously talking about involving someone else..

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 12/06/2019 10:58

He’s massively lying. I’m pretty relaxed and have make friends. No way would I text stuff like that. He’s shagging about and probably always has been.

Throw him out and let him have his threesomes. It’s not damaging your children’s futures either. If anyone is responsible for that it would be him!

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/06/2019 11:09

I am so sorry OP. I agree he is gaslighting you and implying you are paranoid when actually you are right on the money! If I was you I would be divorcing him - he wont change - just my view. Good luck with it all

Ginkypig · 12/06/2019 11:10

A threesome would be a very odd and unconventional start to a sexual relationship outwith people within certain lifestyles.

For most nearly all people a threesome comes after a sexual relationship has already begun.

I'm really sorry eve. It doesn't matter what the truth is really because you already know enough.

Can I ask you to get yourself an sti test, you need to know you're health is safe.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2019 11:11

What the fuck?!

You don't even speak to him any more about this - there's clearly no point. He can get up to speed himself when he receives your solicitors letter, and you can look astonished and say 'Oh! Well I did try and talk to you about it but there was clearly no point... surely it would occur to you that it's not up to you to decide it's 'only' a text message? I don't want to be with you any more because you're a shitbag, is that clear enough?'