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Original poster

AIBU - to think this is conclusive evidence of an affair? ?

65 replies

Eve82 · 12/06/2019 10:13

I'd really like some perspective because I honestly feel like I'm going crazing, not posted before so hoping for some honest opinions. DH has a history of sending/receiving flirty texts (almost always with women at his work). Whenever I have confronted him, he just says its nothing/banter. He is very convincing at making me feel like I am overreacting whilst making big promises about not doing it again because he knows it upsets me..

Recent scenario:

DH had been particular moody with me over a period of weeks, everything I do seems to upset him, he has been very cold towards me and no physical contact.

I went to shop at weekend (about 45 mins) and when I came back DH was suddenly turned on and wanted sex immediately. I tried to brush it off but he was insistent so I gave in. It seemed really strange change in him so when he left the room I checked his phone (he had obviously deleted the previous history but this is the bit I saw and timings coincided with when I had been out):

Her: Hmm not sure you deserve a treat like that. What part of 'meet up and talk properly' is confusing you?

Him: Nothing, Why, Thought it would be a treat for you

Her: :-) and for you, but you keep changing your mind about involving xxx I feel safest with xxx as opposed to a stranger. Sort out a date with xxx for us together sometime.

I know it's a fantasy of his to involve someone else but until now I thought it was bedroom talk, not really serious. I've confronted him about the texts but he says it was just messing about and means nothing, he never had any intention of actually meeting her. She is someone I know and that he works with btw..I confronted her also and she was silent for 48 hours and then sent message saying sorry was just messing about (obviously after speaking to DH).

I have been to see a solicitor and told him I want a divorce but he says it's stupid/ridiculous to end our marriage and damage our DC's future on the basis of one text message.

AIBU to divorce on the basis of this one text message?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 12/06/2019 11:16

Previous flirty texts would have ended it for me. Of course he wants his cake and to eat it too.

FetchezLaVache · 12/06/2019 11:21

Of course you divorce him on the basis of this one text message. If you don't, two things will happen: 1) he will be much more careful not to get caught out in the future and 2) he and his lover(s) will be laughing their heads off at your naiveté in believing the 'just banter' line.

Lovemusic33 · 12/06/2019 11:31

Ditch him. He’s a lying cheat. He’s obviously having sex with at least one other woman, I’m guessing others are involved (threesoms, some kind of swingers group). No one sends that type of message as a joke, they were clearly arranging some kind of sexual encounter.

Pack his stuff up and chuck him out.

Asta19 · 12/06/2019 11:31

You will never be happy with this man because he will never change. At this point it really doesn't matter if they've had sex or not. This man is untrustworthy, and consistently and repeatedly disrespects you. You cannot trust him at all so how can you ever have a happy relationship? He is trying to guilt you into staying with him. If he cared that much about his DC's he wouldn't be behaving like this! So don't let him make out it's somehow your "fault". You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve better.

TheInvestigator · 12/06/2019 11:42

They've already had sex. If this would be a "treat" then they've already had sex and now they're planning more adventurous stuff.

You've already seen a solicitor. You are doing the right thing so don't back down. Just keep moving forward; leave him. Start discussing shared care of the kids etc. If he tries to bring the discussion back around to your relationship, just say "I'm no longer committed to this relationship. It's over for me, so it's over. We can discuss X, Y and Z regarding finances and the kids but if you won't discuss it then I will leave it to my solicitor".

You also need to move out, or get him to move out.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2019 11:46

Get rid of him as fast as you can. He's disgusting. I would get rid on the basis of how he was when you came back from shopping - that wasn't exactly consensual sex, was it?

MangosteenSoda · 12/06/2019 11:52

You can end a marriage for whatever reason you want. This seems like a good reason to me.

IMO, even worse than having a physical relationship with someone else are the lying, gaslighting, moodiness and selfishness. Those traits don't usually change, so incidents like this are rarely one offs.

What about him would make you want to save the marriage? Does he make you happy in any way? Does he have any redeeming features? I don't think living in a miserable relationship for the sake of DC does those DC any good.

tolerable · 12/06/2019 11:59

no yanbu. He is stupid and ridiculous.

Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 12:04

There is no way I would stand for this it's disgusting to even be messaging somebody else let alone meet up with somebody else. We all have fantasies but I'm sorry fantasising is as far as it should go. Leave him and get a new partner xxx

AlyssasBackRolls · 12/06/2019 12:05

Bloody hell - the brass neck of it! Trying to set up sex with another woman (albeit including you in the plans - how nice!) the arrogance of it! Erm yup that's just not on. He won't change, he obviously needs to have all these women to flirt with, probably more, so you'll always be wondering. Good luck you're not unreasonable at all.

MashedSpud · 12/06/2019 12:11

He’s a pig with no respect for you.

He’ll regret it when he’s a lonely (probably jobless due to misconduct) pervert with only his right hand for company.

Mumofabeauty123 · 12/06/2019 12:13

@AlyssasBackRolls I completely agree obviously he loves the chase some people get off on it!! But this makes me sick how a man can treat you like this is beyond me xxx

Mummyoftwo91 · 12/06/2019 12:13

Sorry op it doesn't look goodThanks

Rosielily · 12/06/2019 12:15

It's vile behaviour, and you've done the right thing going to see a solicitor.

Can I ask, do you think you are the "xxx" they're referring to - sorry if you've already answered this? Also, is there a back story here - you say he's been moody recently and you checked his phone immediately after you had sex. Has he given you reason to suspect him previously? What prompted you to check his phone when you did?

PaterPower · 12/06/2019 12:27

OP is not “xxx” - it’s a third party.

OP - I agree with PP on getting yourself down to the GP / Sexual Health clinic for tests. It’s pretty clear he’s cheating.

elegantbutterfly · 12/06/2019 12:28

Sounds like he's already sleeping with her

itsallgoingsouth · 12/06/2019 12:32

You aren't considering divorcing him because of one text though, it's a series of events and poor behaviour. There is much we don't know about your relationship but the respect and trust seems to be well and truly gone!

Oh, and that solicitor you consulted is a pillock - get yourself a new one and ensure they understand the full picture.

Pinotjo · 12/06/2019 12:33

You say he has done this before, sending and receiving flirty texts, that's enough reason for me to end it. He wont change and imo if he hasn't slept with someone else yet, he will, as hes getting a thrill from the texts and that thrill wont be enough and he'll take the next step. I couldn't live like it, it was seriously mess with my head, he cant be trusted and hes bought it on himself

Rosielily · 12/06/2019 12:41

@PaterPower - thank you! Have found where the OP says that now - I thought I had seen that earlier, but couldn't find it when I was posting!

RickJames · 12/06/2019 12:44

Is XXX a man or a woman?

I was just thinking if XXX is a man then maybe your husband and him are sort of trying their luck to see if they can persuade her to have a threesome with them. In this case I would say it's likely the husband did not already have sex with the woman.

This would also be totally wrong, as he's basically trying to coerce her into having a threesome. That's so creepy and inappropriate it's as bad as if they had sex already IMO. He is just really sleazy.

Mitzicoco · 12/06/2019 12:52

I don't necessarily agree that he has already cheated. But the texts are enough. It shows that he is a complete wanker. You are worth more than that and so is DC. Agree that probably a good idea to get yourself tested to be on the safe side. I'm so sorry this has happened OP. But thank goodness you have found out about it. xx

BeaShehe · 12/06/2019 13:00

I wish you and your dc the very best. It sounds as if you've taken decisive steps to ending it with dh, and though you are concerned about the effect of the divorce will have on dc, its often a lot better to remove children from a situation where there is a distinct lack of trust and a lot of pain and hurt on the part of the mother.
Find another solicitor that treats you as a robustly sane person, not one whose divorcing her dh because of a few texts and get into contact with people to provide you with support if you make the choice to start divorce proceedings.
Good luck

alligatorsmile · 12/06/2019 13:13

Was it the solicitor or your DH that said it was ridiculous to end the marriage over one text?

ScrimshawTheSecond · 12/06/2019 13:14

I'm so sorry, OP. To me, this is the worst part of infidelity - it's not the cheating, it's the lies and the gaslighting. What a pathetic cowardly thing to do. At least he could have the gumption to admit what he's doing and not let you go through thinking you're going mad.

You're not mad, you're hurt. Understandably. xxx

PregnantSea · 12/06/2019 13:19

I'm sorry OP, it must have felt awful to find that after you'd just had sex.

If I was in your position I would either boot him out or I'd leave, depending on finances and who owns the house etc. Either way I'd be getting a divorce. I don't see how you can ever trust someone who has done this so many times. He's never going to change. Don't condemn yourself to spending the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage.