Ending marriage tonight, I'm so anxious.

[Bogglechops]

Hi, not started my own thread before but feeling really on edge and pathetically need a bit of a hand hold.

Been with dh 11 yrs, married for almost 9, two dd's ages 7 and 2. I've always had my worries about the relationship, never been totally happy. Although we've had some good times, Ive never been able to shake the feeling of it not being right.

Once every 6 months to a year it amplifies - I go through this phase of being even more deeply unhappy being married to him. I care for him, but I don't love him. It's a really strong urge to get out and be on my own (with the kids). Last year I read that book - not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave (or something like that!) - and didn't really come to any conclusion then. I feel like the older I get the clearer it becomes that I have to take the leap.

This last few weeks I've been in that phase again. I'm tired of it, I can't keep putting on a pretence and trying to hold my shit together for everyone else. I had a very helpful councelling sesh yesterday, and saw a solicitor today. Been doing all the sums and it's going to be really hard practically and financially, but I think I can do it as long as he's amicable.

I'm scared shitless because I'm not sure he will be. I'm like a puppy and he's a kid trying to love it (squeeze it until it's eyes pop out). It's just not reciprocated any more. I flinch whenever he tries to even hug me now, and I generally only really have sex with him because I either feel guilty or for my own selfish needs (and think about other people). It's not fair on him, he's a really good man and deserves genuine love and happiness, I just can't give him that and I feel awful.

I don't have any family support (no parents, sibling love very far away), but I do have some great friends. One friend has space for me to stay temporarily until we sort out living arrangements.

Terrified of his reaction and breaking his heart. He's going to lay the begging and guilt on thickly, naturally as anyone would I suppose. He is a master of persuasion and can be controlling (not in an abusive way), so I need to hold myself accountable to stick to my guns and not give him any reason to think this is fixable.

Does anyone have any words or wisdom? I know I just need to get through it and my head is going to be all over the shop. Part of me is scared of making a terrible mistake, but deep down I know I need to do it and it's now or never.

I've written a short letter (I'm not good with communicating in confrontation, he talks over me and twists my words). I'm going to sit him down tonight and tell him I'm separating from him and hand it over.

Anyone been though it and have any tips? Thanks so much in advance. I'm anxious as fuck.

I'll hold you hand, Bogglechops. I think you're doing the right thing and it's a very brave mood indeed. I also think writing a letter was a good idea as you can't be talked over nor ignored. Telling him face to face is courageous and you should be proud of yourself for being terrified and doing it anyway.

If you think it's the right move for you, then it is. It really is. The squeezed puppy imagery is eerie, and I know how that feels. To be loved - but in their own way, in an unhealthy way, that you have no breath or rights of your own. That's no way to live.

You're modelling excellent self-preservation and sense of self esteem for your children. Women are not chattel.

Be terrified and don't worry about that. The sense of relief you'll feel from being away from such an oppressive relationship will make you feel like a new person.

I think you've done the right thing writing it down. Good luck and stay strong. It's your time to change things and just keep strong xx

... and never mind what his feelings are. They are not really relevant right now. You've tried, you've explained - and been disregarded.

He sounds very selfish to me and that is a good thing (for you now) because you know that selfish people are always looking out for themselves. So you needn't worry about him and his feelings.

If you feel anxious then would your friend be ready to pick you and the children up so that you can leave immediately if you feel you need to? That might make this a little easier for you.

Good luck Bogglechops.
Hope he listens to you.

bogglechops I have huge admiration for you. I think a huge number of women are in relationships similar to yours but let their female socialisation of putting up with the dissatisfaction for the sake of others ahead of their own self preservation.

Go live your life to the fullest that’s what life’s for, not withering away losing yourself to a marriage that doesn’t work.

It’ll be hard and he’ll be hurt but it’s the right thing to do if you’ve thought it through and believe in your decision

That sounds really hard but sometimes you have to be selfish and look out for your own happiness.

It's the hardest thing to do, but it has to be done. You have one life and you deserve to be happy.

I've been there and I assure you the relief is wonderful. I decided luvingbeith a much lower income was a very small price to pay for my own freedom.
I'm about to have to revisit this too ( with the same man) Our son has been poorly for almost 7 months now so we've had to co parent alot more than I expected. He's clearly on a diff page to me. I'm living independently with my kids but he's there at every available opportunity.
It's suffocating and I just can't do it anymore. Fortunately my son is on mess which will help so the situation can finally change. Hand hold here.

Remind yourself of one thing. To be the best mum you can be, you must first be the best version of yourself. In time he will move on. But that's his concern, not yours. X

Good luck

Good luck. I've been thinking something similar for the last couple of months (not married, but together over a decade). It's been a stressful few months and we've not seen each other much for 'quality' time, We're going on holiday for two weeks on saturday, and so I am going to use that time to see if there's enough left that i want to salvage, but otherwise, I'm going to be in the same position when we come home. I'm already feeling sick about it, I keep going home and crying (and crying in random places in public) and i know it will absolutely devastate him. We had a partial conversation about it about a month ago, where I explained that I wasn't unhappy, i just wasn't that happy, and the look on his face was so awful that I completely backtracked and wussed out. He just couldn't understand and i couldn't really explain. I've had some therapy since then, and I think i'm in a better place to explain it to him (it's about a lack of intimacy - not sex...but just general affection), but he still will feel it like a bolt from the blue.

My thoughts are with you this evening xx

I don’t want to cause you any more distress Bogglechops but remember no mistake has been made yet.
I don’t get why you would marry and have two DDs despite all the time never been able to shake the feeling of it not being right.
Have you had joint counselling? Shouldn’t this be an option? Unlike LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I would suggest that this gives your DDs a good example of you trying everything before leaving their DF.
Also should you assume you will be on my own (with the kids)? What PR will (D)H request?
I get that you feel it is now or never, but the grass is not always greener. Anyway, I get that your friends know you far better than a bunch of anonymous online posters, so I suspect their advice, having seen the two of you co-exist, is far more relevant to you, but I just wanted to suggest all is not yet lost.
Wishing you a happy outcome.

It was the best thing I ever did, I was with my ex husband for 10 years and I just settled and thought that was my life, leaving with my 3 year old was the hardest most worrying thing I have ever done but now I honestly couldn't be happier I have met the man of my dreams and I'm now 7 weeks pregnant, it was awful to start but after a few months he settled down and became a lot more amicable

Best of luck !!
You deserve to be happy xx

Oh, and this might not be easy for you to do practically with little ones, but I spoke to a friend about how I was feeling at the weekend, and I decided that I was going to have an exit plan for that evening - so be able to go and stay with someone else to give him space. It's weird to talk about this like i've decided. I haven't...but I have started imagining life without him, and it's scary that it feels like a good place to be. Which breaks my heart.

Peakypolly, it sounds to me like a mistake has been made: settling because the OP didn't think she deserved more.

Maybe the OP doesn't want counselling. That's fine. It's OK to leave without trying absolutely everything and prolonging the agony if you know it's wrong.

Sometimes it takes a really, really long time to find the courage of your convictions.

@lyingwitchinthewardrobe Thank you so much for your words, and you're right, his feelings won't be my responsibility anymore. I can only do what's right for me and the kids.

I didn't realise he was booked into an 8pm gym sesh, so won't get to talk until after 9. Bag is packed and ready, I can't believe I'm taking the step after years of thinking and talking about it.

@Hellbentwellwent You've hit the nail on the head right there! Thank you, that's helped to make me feel a lot stronger for this!

@Ozziewoz Thank you, and so glad your little boy is on the road to recovery, it sounds like I've been very difficult. Hoping you can have some more distance from your ex soon and you can breathe! x

You both deserve better, he may not see it at the beginning but as my friend once said, I ought to send my ex a bunch of flowers for releasing me from a dead marriage.

@flyingplum It's a horrible feeling that just eats away at you.. oh the guilt. Nothing is black and white, and it's so much harder when you care for the other person a lot because the last thing you want to do is hurt them. But, this is your life. Your happiness. I've had therapy on an off over the years and sometimes you're just not ready.. until you are ready, the strength comes out of the blue and you know you have to do it and you can do it. And it will be so much easier to take that step and be true to yourself before you potentially have any kids with him. X

@Peakypolly Thanks for your post, I totally appreciate what you're saying. I was young when I met him, he is a chunk older than me, I thought I was in love and that that feeling of unsureness (is that even a word?!) was normal. I had a strained historically abusive relationship with my mum and my dad was dying from cancer. Looking back, he was the support I craved. And I will always be thankful for all the support he has given me and everything he has done for our family, but if I continue in the marriage it's really not fair on him.

We tried couples counselling and just didn't get anywhere, we misunderstand each other and I think there has to be a glimmer of wanting to fix it. I do on some level, but not for the right reasons.

I've had the same thoughts and conversations with him over 10 years. I wish I could put myself under some kind of Disney true love spell.. I just can't.

Be warned, he'll probably think there's someone else and go off on a tangent

I hope it goes as well as it can. You will not only be breaking his heart, as I assume you will want the children with you, you will also be destroying his family. I'm not being harsh, but you are about to devastate him. I know because I have been there (no children). You will be ok in the end, but I still live with the guilt and the repercussions many years later.

Good luck and keep looking forward.

@PoorAnnie When I say be on my own (with the kids), I don't mean him have no contact, not at all! I'd never do that to him. I'd like everything to be 50/50 as far as practicalities - mostly his work hours will allow. I'd never take his children from him.