Hi, not started my own thread before but feeling really on edge and pathetically need a bit of a hand hold.
Been with dh 11 yrs, married for almost 9, two dd's ages 7 and 2. I've always had my worries about the relationship, never been totally happy. Although we've had some good times, Ive never been able to shake the feeling of it not being right.
Once every 6 months to a year it amplifies - I go through this phase of being even more deeply unhappy being married to him. I care for him, but I don't love him. It's a really strong urge to get out and be on my own (with the kids). Last year I read that book - not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave (or something like that!) - and didn't really come to any conclusion then. I feel like the older I get the clearer it becomes that I have to take the leap.
This last few weeks I've been in that phase again. I'm tired of it, I can't keep putting on a pretence and trying to hold my shit together for everyone else. I had a very helpful councelling sesh yesterday, and saw a solicitor today. Been doing all the sums and it's going to be really hard practically and financially, but I think I can do it as long as he's amicable.
I'm scared shitless because I'm not sure he will be. I'm like a puppy and he's a kid trying to love it (squeeze it until it's eyes pop out). It's just not reciprocated any more. I flinch whenever he tries to even hug me now, and I generally only really have sex with him because I either feel guilty or for my own selfish needs (and think about other people). It's not fair on him, he's a really good man and deserves genuine love and happiness, I just can't give him that and I feel awful.
I don't have any family support (no parents, sibling love very far away), but I do have some great friends. One friend has space for me to stay temporarily until we sort out living arrangements.
Terrified of his reaction and breaking his heart. He's going to lay the begging and guilt on thickly, naturally as anyone would I suppose. He is a master of persuasion and can be controlling (not in an abusive way), so I need to hold myself accountable to stick to my guns and not give him any reason to think this is fixable.
Does anyone have any words or wisdom? I know I just need to get through it and my head is going to be all over the shop. Part of me is scared of making a terrible mistake, but deep down I know I need to do it and it's now or never.
I've written a short letter (I'm not good with communicating in confrontation, he talks over me and twists my words). I'm going to sit him down tonight and tell him I'm separating from him and hand it over.
Anyone been though it and have any tips? Thanks so much in advance. I'm anxious as fuck.