Ending marriage tonight, I'm so anxious.

[Bogglechops]

Hi, not started my own thread before but feeling really on edge and pathetically need a bit of a hand hold.

Been with dh 11 yrs, married for almost 9, two dd's ages 7 and 2. I've always had my worries about the relationship, never been totally happy. Although we've had some good times, Ive never been able to shake the feeling of it not being right.

Once every 6 months to a year it amplifies - I go through this phase of being even more deeply unhappy being married to him. I care for him, but I don't love him. It's a really strong urge to get out and be on my own (with the kids). Last year I read that book - not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave (or something like that!) - and didn't really come to any conclusion then. I feel like the older I get the clearer it becomes that I have to take the leap.

This last few weeks I've been in that phase again. I'm tired of it, I can't keep putting on a pretence and trying to hold my shit together for everyone else. I had a very helpful councelling sesh yesterday, and saw a solicitor today. Been doing all the sums and it's going to be really hard practically and financially, but I think I can do it as long as he's amicable.

I'm scared shitless because I'm not sure he will be. I'm like a puppy and he's a kid trying to love it (squeeze it until it's eyes pop out). It's just not reciprocated any more. I flinch whenever he tries to even hug me now, and I generally only really have sex with him because I either feel guilty or for my own selfish needs (and think about other people). It's not fair on him, he's a really good man and deserves genuine love and happiness, I just can't give him that and I feel awful.

I don't have any family support (no parents, sibling love very far away), but I do have some great friends. One friend has space for me to stay temporarily until we sort out living arrangements.

Terrified of his reaction and breaking his heart. He's going to lay the begging and guilt on thickly, naturally as anyone would I suppose. He is a master of persuasion and can be controlling (not in an abusive way), so I need to hold myself accountable to stick to my guns and not give him any reason to think this is fixable.

Does anyone have any words or wisdom? I know I just need to get through it and my head is going to be all over the shop. Part of me is scared of making a terrible mistake, but deep down I know I need to do it and it's now or never.

I've written a short letter (I'm not good with communicating in confrontation, he talks over me and twists my words). I'm going to sit him down tonight and tell him I'm separating from him and hand it over.

Anyone been though it and have any tips? Thanks so much in advance. I'm anxious as fuck.

@crestar I'll tell you what would be selfish, staying in this marriage when she wants out

Get back in your box

Hope you're ok OP x

Hope it went well. I'm in a similar place really. Been with DP for a decade and it's been all fine really, he's loving, kind, considerate, responsible ... but I've been unhappy for more than a year now and just know I need to strike out on my own.

Tried to end it last month and he broke down in a way I've never experienced and I backed out. But it's not getting any better. I care about him deeply, but I cannot be me in this relationship anymore. I'm planning to end things on Sunday and have decided I need an exit plan to carry it through this time. The feeling that you are potentially ruining someone's life is heartbreaking, and so I sympathise completely :(

But I keep coming back to this - what's the alternative? Sacrificing your own happiness to keep him happy?! It's just ludicrous and the rational part of my brain knows that.

I just want it to be over now, but I don't think I can do it any earlier - DP has a big event on Saturday evening so it would be rather cruel to do it before that...I think...?

I hope it went okay OP, only just read the thread but can't imagine how hard this decision must be for you!

Hope all is ok from last night?

SparklyMagpie

She can get out the marriage all she wants - that's completely up to her.

But the assumption of being on her own and taking the kids is extremely selfish.

Not to mention the fact she's clearly into someone else.

Did I hit on a raw nerve SparklyMagpie??????

Where did you get the idea she's into someone else? Read properly.

I have similar feelings for a friend

You can word it however you want. That's up to you but the reality is clear to see.

It's a great shame,that you didn't Move on, before you both had any children..now there are all of you,who are going to have to go through all the upset. But now You have decided on a change of life,so good luck,and best wishes to you all.

The very same thing happened to me many years ago,and it was the worst decision of my life.

@crestar nope not hit a nerve at all love, never been in this situation, but I'm still not understanding why she's clearly selfish?

And so what if she is into someone else, she's ending it with her husband

@crestar
I'm still confused. How is leaving and taking the children selfish? What would you expect op to be doing?
Is your suggestion that she leaves him and kids? Op's responsibility is to herself and her children. Her dh has a responsibility to himself and the children.

Would you suggest op stays with dh to save his feelings and 'for the children'?
Would you like to know that your significant other felt suffocated by you and was desperate to leave but stayed because they felt they had to?

Don't be so silly. Op may have feelings for a significant other, but she has maintained her dignity. There's alot of truth in being tempted, can be a sign the marriage wasn't secure.
It's far kinder to her dh to be set free for someone who does value him.

@Ozziewoz I'm going to guess she means OP should leave the kids with him and fuck off as shes the one who wants to leave because she clearly has someone lined up

@crestar Wow. When I said with the kids, I didn't mean take them away from him, Jesus, I meant have them 50% of the time (probably a little more realistically due to his long work hrs) - what I was trying to get across was that I wasn't leaving them. I would never ever block access, they need their Dad, he's equally as important as I am in thier lives and I would never stand in the way of thier relationship. He could see them everyday before bedtime if it was possible, I'm not a monster.

@Sparklymagpie
Then I'm guessing Crestar hasn't read the thread properly. Tut tut

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted and messaged, it's been truly horrible yet very respectful and kind. I'm still unsure of what the situation will be in the long run, but we have talked a lot and are both doing reading and thinking to help us figure out what we can do to make things better - and if that's possible.

There are so many layers of complication which seem to have cumulated into this domino effect of my feeling like I just can't do it anymore and I'm now desperate for my independence and to escape. I need to rewind and pinpoint exactly the changes we both need to make to give us the best chance of surviving this, for all 4 of us.

I work part time and dont make as much of a financial contribution as him. I rely on him financially and that has never felt right, intact I find it very uncomfortable. So that's one thing. But also doing most of the childcare, housework, cooking and the mental load that goes along with those is overwhelming. We're both terrible with money, we're not big spenders, but we fly by the seat of our pants and don't save.

Communication is also a biggie. I have trouble verbalising feelings, he gets defensive and changes it around, I feel attacked and belittled and either walk away, our shout just to feel heard.

We've got a lot to go through, and I don't think we can do it on our own, we definitely need some outside help to pick this whole thing apart to see what the problems really are. If we try really bloody hard over the next 6 months or a year, and I still feel the same, at least when the kids are adults we can say that we tried our best to do everything we possibly could.

We're both messes at the moment, but being very careful with each other. He is a wonderful person and I hate that I've hurt him, but maybe I've shocked both us and it's been a wake-up call that we can't take this for granted and just plod along and hope for the best. Because it's rare that relationships are like that. It takes hard work and I know I'm sometimes guilty of thinking it should just work organically if it's truly meant to be - it's a bit of a naive mindset.

Anyway, both totally emotionally exhausted. All I want to do is hug him - I did last night, both of us wanted to, but I don't want to fuck with his head or it to fuck with mine. I know that would be cruel if I had no intention of trying or staying together, but I do. I think we definitely need to avoid sex together for a while though until our heads a bit clearer.

Thank you again for your support, wishing everyone in a similar situation lots of strength, whatever you decide if the right way forwards. Xxx

@SparklyMagpie Mega high five

Hey Bogglechops, how are you doing? 🌷