Help!

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I just told my partner I don't trust him and don't know if I love him.
He totally lost his shit, got angry, cried, sobbed, just kept talking to me and telling me how I'm making it all up (the cheating) I'm still not 100%, no proof, but a strong gut feeling.
He loves his family, that's all he cares about (us).
I feel so guilty, I just want this feeling to stop. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing.
He said he has to hate me to get through this for now we have to be civil until I realise I've made a mistake and tell him I want to try again.
I have been trying to avoid him lately because we argued and some horrible things were said (he started calling me a miserable cunt).
Help help. I've made a big mistake haven't I?

Dc adores him. I have to stay with him.

Nah I'm sorry but hes pretty much telling you you need to beg him.

You told him you're not sure if you love him an trust him; how has this not been the answer you needed

Sounds like an absolute man child dick

And NO !! You do not have to stay with him. Why put your son through that shit?! Do you want him to grow up speaking and treating women like that?

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks you are a miserable cunt?

I wouldn’t.

Fuck no you don't have to stay with him. You didn't do this on a whim. Did you wake up this morning and think it would be fun to fuck up his life for a laugh? This has taken a long and difficult time to get to this. His tears and begging are a last ditch manipulative lie.

I feel so bad!

I haven't always been unhappy but there have been times when I've felt trapped and wanted to leave a few times in the past.
This time I just can't get the love back.

I can be miserable, I have depression but my I have tried!

You shouldn't be feeling bad, he should but it's all about him

Nobody should be treated and spoken to like a piece of rubbish, you're the mother of his child, you put up with this disgusting behaviour, for you and your son, don't pander to him or go crawling. You were already having major doubts, let this be the kick up the arse you need to value your self worth !

Please don't stick around for this vile excuse of a man! You deserve better than this, and your son deserves to see this !

You can do it OP x

I feel sick and anxiety is through the roof.

I'm not surprised :(

Can I ask, what comes to mind for you if you think about starting a fresh from him? What does that make you feel?

Until now I felt a kind of good about it, like I was sure I would feel happier.
Now he's made me feel like a bad person that's fucked it all up for no reason. It's made me doubt myself.

This is abuse, you and DS deserve so much better.

Your anxiety and depression would probably lift if you dumped his arse. I couldn't be with someone who called me a cunt, absolutely no way

When I come off my meds I get really low and overwhelmed and it's always about the idea of staying with him.
I can only tolerate him and his negativity when I'm medicated.
That says a lot.

He really doesn't see what he's done over the years.
He thinks I'm over reacting and need to get a thick skin.
What I need to do is not be medicated to feel I love someone.

It's just occurred to me that he might not pay me any money when he gets paid, which I need to top up my wages.
I have bills to pay and a new job starting soon, which I have to travel 30 mins to.
If I have no petrol money how do I get to work. Then there's childcare.

I've timed this all wrong.

Is there any help with those things where you are? I expect you're in UK? I've seen people on here talk about Universal Credit that you might become eligible for when separating and free child care hours. Not sure exactly how it works, but maybe some help where you are.

I totally get the guilt and the back and forth. When I think of not living with dp I feel happy, I feel relief, but when I think of what he and the DC will go through with a separation I feel guilt and fear. I think it's what's best for us all in the long term, but it's hard to do. 💐 I hope you can work it out the way you want and need.

I'll look in to tax credits. I didn't think I could claim if we still lived together.

It's so hard to go through with, I'm sure if this doesn't feel any better, I'll cave.

Not sure on UK. Here they recognise separated under one roof, just a lot of extra hoops to jump through like references to prove your friends and family view you as separated. I hope they have some similar provision where you live. Good luck, it is hard. I keep wishing he'd meet someone else so it wouldn't be on me to find the strength to end it. It's hard.

One day you will find the strength.
Sending hugs

God I need a hug.

I'm remembering things he's said to me over the years.

When I had my baby I would hand them over to my Dp in the evening so I could get some stuff done, ie shower, eat and housework.
He came home from work and said I should be doing all that in the day and not dumping baby on him. He said "You need to do it better".
Then when Dc turned 2 I was told if I didn't give him more sex and affection he would go and get it elsewhere. We were being intimate once a week (I was exhausted, still breastfeeding my non sleeping toddler). I cried and he said he's not sympathising with my tears.

Everything has been my fault, because I've not been affectionate or wanting sex (never ever been less than once a week btw) that's why he gets depressed and low, I torture him apparently.

Anything bad he has said in the last 2 weeks doesn't count because I have bullied and tortured him with my lack of affection/communication.

Why do I want to communicate with someone that calls me a miserable cunt because I don't want to be "playfully" shoved through a door like a 5 year old?
To him he is being funny and trying to lighten the mood (because I'm always so fucking miserable).
Don't get me started on the sarcasm and piss taking.
He says I don't get his humour, I need to lighten up and grow a thick skin.

Ugh, I can never win. And I get called the aggressor because I'm so defensive, is it any fucking surprise I react?
Yes I am moody at times but given all the above, who wouldn't be unhappy?

He knows what he's doing doesn't he?

I need to write all this out, as I'm remembering it.

It does sound very much like one of you is a cunt OP, it’s just not who he thinks it is.

Bin him off OP. He’s a no good nasty abusive piece of shit. Can you get help from Womens Aid or a local domestic abuse service? They’ll be able to advise you on the best way to proceed. You deserve better than to have this evil twat destroying your life and your mental health, and your child deserves a better male role model than this abuser.

You wrote this earlier re him:-

"When I come off my meds I get really low and overwhelmed and it's always about the idea of staying with him.
I can only tolerate him and his negativity when I'm medicated.
That says a lot".

I would think your depressed state would remarkably lift when you are free of your abuser. And no the kids do not adore him, they likely fear him and walk on eggshells around him because they see all too clearly how you as their mum is treated. This is no legacy to leave your children.

It appears that he could well be financially abusive towards you as well; such men can and do use money and access to it to further control their target.

Seek outside help today from the likes of Womens Aid, the Rights of Women organisation and a local domestic abuse advisory service. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could also help you no end too.

Look also at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

I feel like I'm going mad. Last night he came and hugged me and today he sent a msg saying he loves me.
It's like he hasn't really heard what I've said and everything is still going to go back the way it was.