Yes, again he’s worried about himself. I’m sure the more you think about it the more you’ll notice. Pattern recognition is a very powerful thing. Men like this rely on you only seeing the surface, and think you can be carried away by displays of emotion without understanding just where the emotion comes from.
Please do try to call WA, plus have a look for your local domestic abuse service. Do it in a private browser so he can’t go snooping. You might have to hold a bit before you’re answered, or try a few times, they’re very busy, but you really do sound like you need the support. Once you start to notice things it’ll become increasingly difficult for you to ignore them, and you need an outlet and someone to guide you.
Is there anyone you can talk to irl? Can you confide in your mum or a friend.The more people you can talk to and the more people who know, the more you’ll feel strong enough to act. Isolation is a very dangerous thing, that’s why these men try so hard to isolate you at the first opportunity. Once the cat is out the bag it’s very hard to put back in, so they want to keep things as secret as possible.
Also it’s a good idea to get in first with people. despite the gushing emotions and declarations of love and how they’ll die without you, which they most certainly won’t, they won’t think twice about badmouthing you to anyone who will listen if you step out of line. People are very good at believing the first person who speaks and it can be quite difficult to convince them otherwise, so you might be well advised to be the first to speak. I’m not saying they won’t believe you if he gets in first, they might tell him to eff off, but it’s worth baring in mind. What you’ll probably find is that if you tell your mum, or a friend, and be honest, they’ve been suspecting it all along. People aren’t stupid, they do pick up on subtle cues, and it’s a very clever man indeed who can truly mask their abusive ways all the time. The mismatch between what they imagine people think of them and what people actually think of them can be quite stark. The amount of people who have said they always saw the bad side of my ex even when I couldn’t is quite surprising, because he made me believe in his complete superiority.
Anyway I’m rambling, but please take what I and others have said on board. I’ve been where you are and I know how hard it is, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s really hard, but you can do it, and every day you’ll be so glad and so proud and so amazed with yourself that you did. Once you make that first difficult step and you let it out you’ll find that some of the fear is replaced by determination. Right now you might feel that you’ve nothing to be determined or positive about, but once you shift your gears and put your foot on the accelerator you’ll feel differently, I promise. It won’t all be smooth sailing by any means, but you can cope with that. If you can cope with all his shit then you can cope with this.
Good luck, and keep checking in to tell us how you’re doing. Speaking only for myself I would like to know.