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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s not coming back is he?

55 replies

Cwheredidyougo · 11/06/2019 09:33

Back story is that we were friends for years, since school but I always liked him more than friends.

He didn’t show any signs of being interested so I gave up and started a relationship with someone who I ended up accidentally having a dc with.

When dd was 3 months, her dad walked out on us. My friend was amazing and helped out so much during a really hard time.

I finally confessed my feelings and although at first he was surprised and unsure about getting together, we started dating and fell in love.

Things were amazing for about six months before he was offered a job 100 miles away. We tried to make it work long distance but with dd so young at the time I was exhausted and was probably a lot snappier and grumpy with him when we did see each other every other weekend or so.

It was a really stressful time and then he decided to end things after living away for a few months but deep down I knew he’d be back because it wasn’t over between us.

A few months later he came back and wanted to try again. So we did the long distance thing but I wanted more so I suggested I move with him. He said he’d think about it and I felt certain that it was going to work.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. I thought he probably needed a bit of time to think about our future plans so I left him alone. Then a week later he called me to say that he’d met someone else.

I was really gutted. But I said I understood and that maybe it was good for us both to date other people to find out what we really want.

I fully expected him to come back after he realised that this other girl was just a distraction and rebound. I still feel so strongly that it’s not over between us. I love him so much and I know he feels it too.

I’m starting to get scared though because the more time passes it feels less likely that he’s coming back. It’s been over a year now since we last spoke and I want to ring him but am scared he really has moved on. What shall I do?

OP posts:
BelulahBlanca · 11/06/2019 09:35

The other girl is what he really wanted!

Honeybooboo123 · 11/06/2019 09:36

Oh love, that ship has well and truly sailed.

You need to move on

MMmomDD · 11/06/2019 09:36

It’s been over a year since you last spoke?
Then I think you need to stop waiting around for a fantasy and live your life.
He isn’t the only man on Earth.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2019 09:38

I love him so much and I know he feels it too
I mean this indly, but he doesn't. He doesn't love you. He may or may not love this other woman, or another woman, or no one. Bit of he wanted to be with you, he would be.

You need to move on. You deserve to be with someone who DOES love you.

LemonTT · 11/06/2019 09:40

Ok, I’m very sorry to say this but..
You need to accept that he doesn’t love you and wasn’t that into you.

People in love are sure of it, especially at the start. So sure of it that they don’t think things through and they certainly don’t start seeing other people.

He never showed signs of caring for you
He got involved with you as a friend when you needed a lot of support
He has a bond with you and probably with your child but it is one borne out of friendship not love
He moved away from you
He dumped you
He started seeing other people.

He is not the one.

Please start articulating that he doesn’t love you and he isn’t the right one.

Cwheredidyougo · 11/06/2019 09:40

I don’t believe he’ll ever have the connection that we did with anyone else. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Neither of us have ever had that before and he always said that he’d never fancied anyone as much as he did me. Not being boastful but I know he meant it.

That’s why I think she must be a rebound. He’s not a liar and I don’t believe he is the sort of guy to switch so easily from one girl to the next. His last girlfriend before me was ages ago so he’s not done sort of player.

OP posts:
finnmcool · 11/06/2019 09:42

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, you need to let go.
Stop looking backwards at what could have been and start looking forward.

It's been over a year and you are only hurting yourself by pining for something that is unlikely to happen.

RLEOM · 11/06/2019 09:46

Darling, I was in a very similar situation and trust me when I say, actions speak louder than words. This man doesn't love you the same way you love him. If he did, he wouldn't have even questioned you moving out there, he would've been certain and overjoyed but he wasn't.

A hard pill to swallow but you need to wash it back and focus on moving forward.

Cwheredidyougo · 11/06/2019 09:48

Wow these are really harsh replies.

He never showed signs of caring for you

This is 100% not true.

He bought me and my dd clothes and food when her dad left. He even gave me enough money to cover rent until dd’s dad was made to pay cm. why would he do that if he didn’t care? That’s a horrible thing to say and completely not true.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/06/2019 09:51

It's been over a year. He's got your number if he wants to contact you, but he told you he'd met someone else. Maybe he wanted something different to the chemistry he had with you. Maybe he didn't feel it the same. You'll never really know, sadly.

Would you consider talking to someone about this? Usually going no contact helps people to move on, but if it's been over a year, you might find talking to a professional helps you work through this so you can find someone else for you too.

UnicornDust9 · 11/06/2019 09:55

He doesn’t love you. It’s been a year. Your deluded if you think he cares still

Seriously for yourself... move on.

SilverySurfer · 11/06/2019 09:57

I still feel so strongly that it’s not over between us. I love him so much and I know he feels it too.

You're deluding yourself. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't have left and met someone else. If he loved you as much as you think you love him he would still be with you. At some point you will have to come to terms with that and get on with your life without him.

SilverySurfer · 11/06/2019 10:00

He bought me and my dd clothes and food when her dad left. He even gave me enough money to cover rent until dd’s dad was made to pay cm. why would he do that if he didn’t care? That’s a horrible thing to say and completely not true.

He was a friend, that's what friends do. He can care as a friend but it doesn't mean he has to be in love with you. Just because you want him to be doesn't make it so.

IGottaSeeJane · 11/06/2019 10:02

I am so sorry to have to say this but if he really felt for you the way you think he does, he'd never have taken a job 100 miles away. It's over. He isn't coming back. I'm sorry but that's the long and the short of it.

Musti · 11/06/2019 10:04

He did care about you and treated you really kindly as he was a great friend. But he's not been in touch for a year and you were available. There was nothing stopping him from being with you it he was in love with you. You need to move on. It's hard to imagine but once you start going out and being open to another relationship, you'll forget about him. Concentrate on your child, your work, your friends, your hobbies etc and move on.

finnmcool · 11/06/2019 10:05

We're telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear, that's why the responses probably feel harsh.

Nobody here wishes you ill wiil. I feel for you, I really do, but for your own wellbeing, you need to find a way to let go.
As a pp suggested, maybe talk it out with a professional.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/06/2019 10:05

He was your friend. He sounds like a decent guy who wanted to support you. BUT he isn’t the one. He was there when you were hugely vulnerable, but now he’s moved on.

No he isn’t coming back. Time to accept it.

BobbyBaratheon · 11/06/2019 10:06

I don’t believe he’ll ever have the connection that we did with anyone else. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Neither of us have ever had that before and he always said that he’d never fancied anyone as much as he did me. Not being boastful but I know he meant it.

I felt this way about a boyfriend from my late teens. I didn't believe in soul mates but was certain that we had some special bond and that he was 'the one'. Several years down the line and I'm completely over it. He may have genuinely felt like you had an amazing a unique connection at the time but it's completely possible that as time has gone by the feelings have faded. The fact that he's with someone else and hasn't contacted you in a year suggests that this may be the case.

Another possibility is that he was just telling you what you'd like to hear and he's probably told a few women that he's never fancied anyone as much as he fancies them.

bluebell34567 · 11/06/2019 10:07

as a pp said he shouldnt hesitate you moving with him but he did.
he might be a nice person and had a connection with you. but he will have other connections with other people.
you waited enough, wish him happiness and move on, there will be other nice people around for you.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 11/06/2019 10:10

I agree with the others. If he actually felt the same he’d be with you. He doesn’t want to be. Sorry, must be really hard to accept.

LoubyLou1234 · 11/06/2019 10:11

You haven't spoken for a year. That's speaks volumes. I don't think the replies are harsh you just don't want to hear them. Sorry but he wouldn't have moved or stayed there or even gone on to another woman if he felt deeply for you. You were free and he chose not to be with you for his own reasons . It may be very hard to accept when you have fallen for him but you need to for your own sake.

Xmas2020 · 11/06/2019 10:12

Sounds like you have been well and truly played and you were his OW, which i do not think you had any idea about.

cranstonmanor · 11/06/2019 10:15

I don’t believe he’ll ever have the connection that we did with anyone else. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Neither of us have ever had that before and he always said that he’d never fancied anyone as much as he did me. Not being boastful but I know he meant it.

Sexual connection is not enough if you don't truly love someone. I've had amazing, sizzeling connections with two other people in my life but I ended up marrying DH who is an ok sexual connection. Our relationship is much more than that, and that is why he makes me happy. I wouldn't go back to the electric soulmatey connections that I had because they weren't the right relationships for me. I just remember them fondly as a thing of the past.

He doesn't want you. Don't spend years pining after him when you can go on with your life. It's sad.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 10:16

He sounds like a good guy, but he doesn't love you like you do him or are convinced he is.
I think there was a lot of wishful thinking on your part.

chemicalworld · 11/06/2019 10:18

@xmas2020 this is why mumsnet annoys me, it can be wonderful and then I read crap like this, which is a comment based on nothing, and designed only to upset the OP.

I am sorry OP, I don't know what is going on with him - I know that connection you are talking about but it sounds like with time and distance he has gone - and you have to try and move on now. If he wanted to be with you, then he would be. I'm sorry.

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