He’s not coming back is he?

[Cwheredidyougo]

Back story is that we were friends for years, since school but I always liked him more than friends.

He didn’t show any signs of being interested so I gave up and started a relationship with someone who I ended up accidentally having a dc with.

When dd was 3 months, her dad walked out on us. My friend was amazing and helped out so much during a really hard time.

I finally confessed my feelings and although at first he was surprised and unsure about getting together, we started dating and fell in love.

Things were amazing for about six months before he was offered a job 100 miles away. We tried to make it work long distance but with dd so young at the time I was exhausted and was probably a lot snappier and grumpy with him when we did see each other every other weekend or so.

It was a really stressful time and then he decided to end things after living away for a few months but deep down I knew he’d be back because it wasn’t over between us.

A few months later he came back and wanted to try again. So we did the long distance thing but I wanted more so I suggested I move with him. He said he’d think about it and I felt certain that it was going to work.

Then I didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. I thought he probably needed a bit of time to think about our future plans so I left him alone. Then a week later he called me to say that he’d met someone else.

I was really gutted. But I said I understood and that maybe it was good for us both to date other people to find out what we really want.

I fully expected him to come back after he realised that this other girl was just a distraction and rebound. I still feel so strongly that it’s not over between us. I love him so much and I know he feels it too.

I’m starting to get scared though because the more time passes it feels less likely that he’s coming back. It’s been over a year now since we last spoke and I want to ring him but am scared he really has moved on. What shall I do?

OP i don't doubt that he used to care for you, but he moved away and things changed. People change.

I don’t believe he’ll ever have the connection that we did with anyone else that's what you're telling yourself because you don't want to let go. if it was true, he'd be with you. he'd have been on the phone months ago begging you to forgive him. he isn't. he's with someone else, or alone.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other which is great but it doesn't necessarily translate into a long term relationship or irreplaceable love. I had a relationship like that, i remember him visiting and thinking i can't sit by him because we'll end up naked you know what? he's not the guy I'm married to, and i wouldn't trade DH for the world

You need to understand and accept that you can only account for your feelings and not his. Regardless of how you feel about this chemistry and connection, his interpretation could be entirely different. Feelings can change, which is why I stated you are only ever accountable for yours.

If he has met someone else, it's fair to say you need to let go and move on. You both have tried to make it work and it has failed multiple times. The situation has not changed regarding distance, but he certainly has moved on.

I'm sure when he mentioned he met someone else, it was someone significant enough for him to tell you, otherwise he could quite easily lead you to believe he was single.

As difficult as it may be for you, you need to let this go and focus on yourself and your child. He isn't the father of your child so has no obligation there towards either of you.

Please do not contact him as you'll only create more heartache for yourself and also potentially cause issues in his current relationship when he's made it clear he has moved on.

If it was to work, it would have worked when you both tried a couple of times. Who knows what the future truly holds, but for now reality is that you two are not together and he is hopefully happy with someone else. I say hopefully as you have mentioned he is a good person and I would hope whoever he is with he is happy with them.

Allow yourself to be happy again too, but give yourself the time to move on. You also have a child you need to think of, so be careful with new potential partners and introducing them.

Best of luck OP.

I am so sorry OP. It must be really hard to accept when you love somebody so much. I have sort of been there because my husband left me with a toddler and I thought he would come to his senses because we'd be married for a long time and OW was awful in every way. However, six years on he's still with her and I am divorced and I have long long accepted that status quo. It took me a long time to recover but I have and am very happy now. This man probably did love you, was probably lovely to you and your DC but he's moved away and started a new life. If you have not heard from him in a year then it is clear that he doesn't feel the same way at you do. You have to try and move on from that. It's a waste of your life pining for somebody who is not coming back. You and your kids deserve better. He is not the right person for you and I am sure that person is out there somewhere. Build a life for yourself, get some counselling (that saved me!), go out if you can, start to find YOU and not carry on dreaming of a couple/family that isn't going to happen.

I am sorry you're going through this, I know how much it hurts, but it's time you let go. Good luck

STOP IT!

You had feelings for him thathe dd not fully reciprocate. If he did he would be wth you now. That is it, there is nothing else to ponder.

All you need do know is start looking forward instead of yearning for a brief interlude from your past. From my age now that seems easy to do, but I have memories of how very, very hard it was to be kind to myself when I was much younger.

Good luck with it.

Just to add, aside from one or two, I don't think people are being harsh, they are being realistic. It's not a rebound situation if he hasn't contacted you in a year and has settled 100 miles away. Even if that relationship didn't last, he may well have met somebody else. If he'd wanted to be with you, he would have got in touch but he hasn't. It's really hard to hear, I get that. However, I think everybody here would be doing you a disservice if they said "call him, he's probably waiting for you" etc...because that's what you want to hear. You really have to let this go.

For goodness sake, don't phone him. He clearly has moved on, otherwise he would have been in touch. Put the whole thing down to experience and get out there and live!

I'm sorry but have to agree with the others. He doesn't love you and although he was a good friend he wasn't a good partner.

He'll only be back if he splits from the other girl and he's going to be in the area and wanting an ego boost. He doesn't feel the same about you.

I'm surprised you want him back, he doesn't live or care about you. He was treating you nicely to keep his options open whilst he decided which one if you he wanted. He's probably got someone else on the go now he's with her

PutyourtoponTrevor

How the fuck do you know that? What a stupid post

You’ve posted before about this a couple of times haven’t you?
He’s not coming back

Op. He hasn't spoken to you in a year. As others have said, you need to move on. Snapping at other people because they're saying stuff you don't want to hear doesn't change the fact that it looks, from an outsiders perspective, as if he has moved in. Obsessing about him won't bring him back. It won't make him love you as you want him to and it won't deliver you the happy ever after that you crave. I'm sorry you're so sad but it looks well and truly over.

I will probably sound like an arsehole but i mean it nicely, fast forward 20 years and you will still be waiting for him "to come back to you" while he more than likely has a family life, unless of course things with the new woman doesn't go to plan he will know you will take him back.

Im sorry you're in this position OP, the heartache is horrible, i get it. You should focus on a life without him and who knows maybe one day you might cross paths, but i wouldn't hold out for it, He certainly isn't is he?

Moved on not in

You need to get it into your head that he's not coming back, as harsh as it sounds. There's been no reason for him not to come back if he wanted to...why do YOU think he hasn't?

If my partner moved 100 miles away, ended it for a few months before coming back.

And then when I said I wanted to move with him he disappeared for 2 weeks before admitting there was someone else, I'd think she'd been on the scene for a while.

He took those two weeks to decide and he chose her. Because he loved her more.

Why is that such a leap?

OP you really need to forget him.

he chose her maybe because she was nearer. anyway it means he doesnt have strong bond with you.

@PutyourtoponTrevor You could have just said that then, rather than projecting something totally unnecessary into it.

Well he cheated on OP with the other woman so it's not a massive stretch to think he'd do it again is it?

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but he has moved away, moved on, met someone else and you need to accept this and do the same.

He sounds like a decent guy who was a good, supportive friend to you but decided that he didn’t want a long-term relationship with you. It happens.

Good luck for the future.

Sorry OP. If he wanted to be with you then he would be. He chose not to, he turned down the suggestion of moving to be with him, he is with someone else, and he has not contacted you.

You need to move on.

He's not coming back, you need to move on for the sake of your child.
have you tried counselling, as your attachment to somebody who sounds like he was never into you, is a bit scary tbh.

He's moved on OP

Sorry OP. I don't think he was "in love" with you. It seems like he loved you as a friend and had chemistry with you, but perhaps not love. Or it didn't last. Taking that job 100 miles away was him starting to end things. He was a lost cause from then onwards.

I get why you're struggling to accept that, because you feel that was you had was incredible, so how can he not want you back at some point? But in reality, relationships need more than love or sexual chemistry. Perhaps he didn't want to be a step-dad to your child? Perhaps his feelings for you weren't enough to overcome your life situations? You don't have to believe that he didn't love you at all in order to accept that he's gone. You just need to understand that whatever he felt wasn't enough, for either of you.

You say he hasn't spoken to you in a year? That implies you're not even friends anymore. You deserve more than pining for someone who isn't even a friend or regular acquaintance. Please, love yourself more, so that you can stop loving him.