Lots of messages a red flag?

[WhoWhooooo]

It's early days (a month) and I get so many messages. It's unusual for a couple of hours to go by without hearing. I like chatting but it is intense, and if I don't reply I usually get others to follow up on the first, sometimes more than one. When we're apart it can start first thing in the morning and the last new chats started as late as 11pm. Some are asking me how the are but some are about inane things too - what did I have for dinner, he needs to buy new furniture what shop do I recommend etc? And asking me - what are you doing right now? Where did you go out? Who with?

I really like him but I've never had this level of contact with someone before, ever. Would this be a red flag?

No. It shows he is interested in you and wants to keep in touch with you . Maybe he thinks this is what some women like . Read the dating thread . They are in major angst there if someone doesn't reply .

It’s not a red flag in general, it’s just about your own comfort level. Some like that kind of contact and others don’t. If you’re the latter they’re not for you.

I’d say it is a big red flag as its very intense for someone you’ve just met... has he not got his own friends and interests? Worrying he wants to know who you are with... it would put me right off

Depends.

More messages to follow up previous messages you haven’t responded to instantly asking why you haven’t responded are red flags in the sense that it’s controlling behaviour - needing you to be at his beck and call and making you toe the line by ensuring you’re always in contact with him wherever you are.

Somebody who just likes to message inane stuff continually and have text chats all day isn’t necessarily a “red flag”, more just annoying if you are not somebody who appreciates it. I know people who are attached to their phones like this.

Have you told him you’re not really a big messager? What has he said? If not you need to do so - his response will tell you whether it’s a red flag or not, if he acts all hurt and says he just likes to know what you’re doing and makes him feel close to you etc etc then this is not positive. If he understands you find it irritating and agrees to tone it down, all good.

I had a long and difficult relationship that I found very hard to get out of with someone who started like this. They insisted we see each other every day too which I thought was batshit. Then they cried, I felt bad, thought it was me, gave in etc.

In itself I don’t think lots of messaging is a bad thing but if it makes you uncomfortable then it’s something to try to tone down. If that results in histrionics and general crazy, you know they’re a wrong un.

Tell him to cool it a bit, don't answer so soon see if he listens and respects that. He may just be too keen, if he carries on, gets annoyed or tries to make you feel bad about not enjoying the attention then run!

I was going to just reply "yes" but having read PPs responses.....

"yes" for me. I would feel utterly suffocated. Others may feel differently!

Interesting mix of responses. I’m ok with it Kuching the time it’s getting follow up messages I’m less keen on as it makes me respond sometimes when it doesn’t suit me. I don’t like being asked what I’m doing either. But he’s great otherwise although has told me that he is quite needy with his partners in a statement of fact way not an ‘I’m working on that’ type way.

Hmmmm.

If he is asking where you have been and who with that seems a bit of a red flag to me. Unless he is doing it to feign interest. I expect the actual reason is because he is insecure and jealous type. Too intense and suffocating for my liking.
Texting a lot is one thing, but then to text multiple times because you havent replied within a few hours is weird IMO and I wouldn't risk this bloke.

Kutching? That’s supposed to be ‘most of’

I've had that from abusive exes. I'm not saying it means they are abusive necessarily but it would be a red flag for me now having had that experience.

You have to think will it still seem friendly/charming/romantic if he maintains it for your whole relationship (or after you break up). Looking back at one relationship in particular I should have known he would stalk me after we broke up, that was his tactic when we were dating as well. In fact he stalked me into accepting a date in the first place!

Reading your update - absolute red flag. Telling you he’s needy in relationships = making sure you don’t feel you have grounds to complain when he ramps up the “needy” (read: controlling) behaviour because “I told you right at the start what I need my partners to do for me.”

Dump. Needy, insecure man are absolute emotional vampires at best and abusers at worst.

I would block and delete him now. There are an awful lot of red flags here that cannot be minimised by you not least the frequency of the messages.

Read also about love bombing and mirroring in relationships.

That would drive me mad and make me anxious.

Too much.

Suffocating and anxiety producing.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'm an over communicator!!
I do the inane chit chat. But I wouldn't do it if it didn't match the level of communication from the other side. A conversation has to be 2 way.

I'd also be a little wary of the where have you been and with who questions. It's not really any of his business.

As you are posting on here it seems you are finding it too much.

Trust your instincts on this. If you feel that he could be controlling by messaging you so much and describing himself as ‘needy’, he isn’t the right person for you.

You may find that he becomes nasty or difficult to get rid of when you end things. Block, delete and move on.

How is he messaging you all the time. How does he do this when he’s at work. How goes he expect you to answer him if you’re at work too.
It would drive me mad. Especially follow up ones when you haven’t answered the first ones.
Telling you he’s needy so unattractive. I’d dump him.

has told me that he is quite needy with his partners in a statement of fact way
RUN!!!!!
I can't bear needy men.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thanks all. It’s via messenger mostly and we both have desk jobs so close to our phones I suppose

The more I think about it the less I like it

I think you just tell him he's too much texting. See how he reacts.

This is the beginning of a bad/abusive relationship.

Oh goodness inane messages I wouldn't mind so much, I would just ignore.

Follow ups when I haven't replied and [shudder] claiming to be 'quite needy'

I cannot imagine wanting to be 'intimate' with someone like that. Run.