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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to cope.

63 replies

Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 09/06/2019 22:14

It is now half way through month two since my partner of 13years left me and my twin 4 year olds because apparently he never wanted this life but it just screams other woman to me.

I am not coping at all. I've done all the wrong things. The begging. The anger. The insults and then the begging again. Not proud of myself at all. So we are not even talking at all anymore which is probably for the best.

However despite him being so horrible to me I can not detach. I am in such a horrible place and not allowing myself to feel better.

I dont know how to break the cycle and move on. I'm so distressed and I have no idea how to stop torturing myself.

If any of this makes sense you anyone please please some advice or similar stories!!

My head wants me to move on but my stress levels dont.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 09/06/2019 22:16

Time scales even because I cant go on like this. I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Pixikitten0123 · 09/06/2019 22:27

Massive hugs xx
I’ve been there last year and it’s been a traumatic experience - still not really recovered yet to be honest. My advice would be:

  1. GP - please see one and get some help if you’ve not already.
  2. Solicitor - make an appointment to see one and start the process of untangling your lives together, it’s incredibly painful but needs to be done.
  3. Read a good book or watch mindless crap on tv - do anything to take your mind off him.
  4. Be kind to yourself as it’s very early days but things will get better and you’ll care less and less but until then work through your emotions in your own space or to family or friends.
I wish you the very best x
Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 09/06/2019 22:36

Thank you very much x

OP posts:
Countrypie · 09/06/2019 22:45

How horrible for you. Don't be hard on yourself. It is very early days and you have a lot on your plate. As the previous person said get the practical stuff sorted and give yourself time to deal with the emotional side of things. It will take a while but you will be ok. Hugs x

ConcreteFarmer · 09/06/2019 22:55

You're not alone in feeling like this. But time, time will truly be a healer xx

sausage1968 · 10/06/2019 12:23

sorry to read about your situation x did this come totally out of the blue for you x x

user87382294757 · 10/06/2019 15:23

That sounds so tough especially with twins. It sounds like he couldn't cope with parenthood? have you thought about access to the childen etc.

2eternities · 10/06/2019 16:14

Yet another man too selfish for the responsibility of a family. I'm sorry OP. Hugs xxx

ppppppickupapenguin · 10/06/2019 16:25

The only way I got through it was no contact for over a year, he made arrangements to see ds through my dsis. I wouldn’t have gotten through without no contact. Tell everyone you don’t want to know what he’s up to or who with. Honestly, when you know you are not going to hear from him, or about him, you will feel so much better.

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 16:46

Basically what the problem is.

Thanks. X

OP posts:
Mitzicoco · 10/06/2019 16:48

What @Pixikitten0123 said

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 16:49

Too selfish I mean. It's probably 50% bored with me and 50% wants to do whatever he wants to do. Very very selfish.

I'd just like to stop hurting to this un natural level. I never really saw it coming and the thought of him with other women makes me sick to my stomach.

Started no contact yesterday and it's the worst. Even fighting with him is better than no contact but it's the only way.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Mitzicoco · 10/06/2019 16:51

xxx

PicsInRed · 10/06/2019 16:53

I second pixikitten's advice.
Remember this guy isn't your friend anymore, he's no longer on your team. Put him on "need to know" re: info and believe nothing he says and little of what he shows you.

You're likely right about the OW. She's his team now, so be very cautious.

Have a look at chumplady's website and find your anger. It hurts terribly but give it a few months of very low contact and you'll start to feel much, much better. Flowers

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 16:54

He doesnt seem too bothered about the children. He did this to me whilst I was on holiday at my dads and basically told us not to come back and to sort ourselves out. Hes sent some money but I've no home and no job yet which I need to get asap. I think I've been sabotaging my progress because I'm still i shock.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 10/06/2019 16:55

Its only been 6 weeks since the split and you need time to process it and grieve. Going cold turkey is probably best for the next few weeks. Try to get a daily routine in pace, even though you will feel like you are just going through the motions.
And do see your GP. Anti depressants will help you get through the worst of it. Flowers

Windmillwhirl · 10/06/2019 16:58

You are holding on to a dream, a fantasy. Your ex has made it clear he does not want to be a husband. Sometimes it is hard to face reality when all we want us everything to go back to the way it was.

Can you afford counselling to work through detaching from the hopes and dreams you held ?

I really hear your pain in your post. You survived Before you knew this man existed. Your focus should be you and your children, not pining for a man that has let you All down and checked out.

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 16:58

Yeah you are right he is not my friend. I need to keep seeing it like that.

You think you know someone eh.

If I can ever trust anyone again I will be surprised.

Thanks everyone. All of your advice is really helping.

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 10/06/2019 16:59

So he basically kicked you our while you were away? And you weren;t married...where are you now with your dad? Sounds very hard.

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 17:03

I can afford nothing currently so councelling isnt an option. I've been considering anti depressants but i have been cautious that this will not allow me to work though the issue. Has anyone had any experience with them?? I'm usually a very happy positive person which is why I think I'm taking this so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 17:09

Yep. He doesnt seem to think he did anything wrong other than not want to be with me anymore. He has booked a holiday also an now we are all living with my poor Dad. Hoping to get a job and move out sharpish. In trying my best not to dwell on what he did because I just dont recognise him anymore. Hes all over the place. Either a woman or a midlife crisis. All I know for sure in my heart is that I don't know the truth.

OP posts:
Mitzicoco · 10/06/2019 17:14

Anti-depressants can work really well or sometimes not at all. It can take a while to find the right one. If you are feeling really down you can phone your local CRISIS team and they can put you in touch with local support groups.Hugs x

user87382294757 · 10/06/2019 17:14

The GPs can refer you for some counselling sessions on the NHS. Maybe you can apply for council housing

Original poster
Greatnessfromsmallbeginnings · 10/06/2019 17:17

I didnt know that. Thanks

OP posts:
Pixikitten0123 · 10/06/2019 17:21

Can I also suggest you put a claim in for Universal Credit, you can get an advance payment if you’re struggling money wise x

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