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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to get this out there

55 replies

CircleofLife4 · 09/06/2019 19:50

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this and respond. It's something I can speak to no one about in real life.

I have been with my partner for 9 years, we have a house /mortgage together and are about to get married in a matter of weeks.

We have been together since we were teens, and were each others first real relationship. I can honestly say I can't imagine life without him, but I am having doubts on whether i am IN love with him. I don't know if this is just how it feels to be with someone as long as we have, many people marry while still in the honeymoon faze after 2-3 years, that phase has long long passed for us.

While I definitely care for him, some days I feel I don't like him. I suspect he has some sort of OCD or perhaps something more serious. He panics if I spill something, or put something in the 'wrong' place. He will start screaming and freaking out about it. I am tired of it.

He also spends every evening and weekend in his computer room, playing games on the xbox. He also sleeps in there - we are sleeping separately due to disturbing each other with snoring /restlessness in the night. He never wants to go out unless we are going to the supermarket, or to eat, he hates going out for walks or days out.

He has also gained a lot of weight, and eats rubbish. He won't eat fruit or beg, all he will eat is cereal, junk food, and takeaways.

This sounds petty I know, but there are much deeper issues. We rarely have sex, perhaps once every 6 weeks and it's becoming more and more infrequent. When we do he quickly becomes a sweaty and tired mess so we have to stop. He hasn't ejaculated with me in maybe two years. I am 99% he watches porn when he gets home from work (an hour before me). But he never wants to do anything with me.

SO I don't see children in my future with him, I don't think he would even be able to perform the necessary deed to do so! When we boight the house we said the second room would be the baby's room, but now it's become his games room. I suspect he doesn't want kids but when I ask he says he does 'one day', then gets angry when I ask how that will be possible if he can't ejaculate.

But at this point I have little option but to carry on the way it is - there are so many complications here. I cannot call off the wedding, and I can't sell the house - I cannot even afford to survive on my own, being on just an average income. I have asked him to go to the dr and seek help for his sexual problems, snoring, and possible OCD but he won't. When I tell him I'm unhappy he just gets angry and says he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel my only option is to run away abroad or something! I don't even have any friends IRL. That's why I'm here.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 09/06/2019 19:52

Um, yes you can call off the wedding. And you should.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 09/06/2019 19:53

Run. It's not going to get any better. He's already told you how he feels.

Other posters may say he's depressed but that's not your fault and he needs to fix that if it's the case.

You deserve better. You really do. You are young. Don't throw away the best years of your life tied to someone who doesn't care about you enough to make you happy.

Ilovemylabrador · 09/06/2019 19:54

You absolutely can call off the wedding. Move out -go travelling.
You can move out of London -where are your friends? family etc?
Can you take a break for a couple of weeks and go and visit them and go NC.
If he won't seek help.
A London wage in Norfolk -for example, goes a lot further.

HollowTalk · 09/06/2019 19:55

Oh blimey, you need to get away fast! You will make friends once you split up with him. You shouldn't even think of marrying him.

Do you have supportive family? Do you want to live in the house or even stay in that area? Do you want to stay in the same job or have a complete break?

GorkyMcPorky · 09/06/2019 19:55

I think you know the answer OP. This doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy marriage. Difficult when you don't have a strong social network but I think you'll be selling yourself way short if you marry. Easy to say I know.

What does he have going for him?

BentBaastard · 09/06/2019 19:56

Please don’t marry him.

Just do what needs doing to untangle yourself from him and do what you need to survive.

Are your parents around? Would they help you?

You are still young and you could do so much better for yourself.
You deserve someone who really loves you and wants to spend time with you and have good sex with you.

Get out now while you can and ask for help wherever you can.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2019 19:59

You may have been with him for 9 years, but you are still very young. Please take it from me, being much, much older, that you are making a massive mistake in marrying him. You may feel "trapped", but you ARE NOT. You absolutely can and should cancel the wedding. You KNOW it's the right thing to do. Don't trap yourself further by making such a dreadful mistake. Starting tomorrow, make quick plans to get out and then do it.

crappyday2018 · 09/06/2019 20:00

You absolutely CAN call off the wedding and you really must. Please don't complicate things further by going through with it.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/06/2019 20:09

You may feel that it is scary to call off the wedding, you may feel you have no support in real life and people won't understand you walking away after nine years, but think of this, can you do another 30, 40 or 50 years of this?

OK, so you have been with this guy for nine years since you were a teenager OP, so you are in your twenties now and life with him is making you unhappy, you told him and he refuses to act. You have so much life ahead of you, do you want to spend it like this?

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 09/06/2019 20:10

Your only reasons for staying with him are because you can't pay the bills on your own and because you don't want to tell people the wedding is cancelled. You will always find a way to manage financially - renting a room in a shared house, moving away, second job - all of which are preferable to being trapped in a loveless marriage for no reason. You don't have children and even if it were likely to happen I would implore you not to bring children into such a household. I really really love my husband and there have tines I've wanted to end him (and he me tbf) since we had a baby because it is the toughest challenge we've ever faced. Nothing has tried our relationship like our dc and I wouldn't even say we've had it that hard! If there are any weaknesses in a relationship children will just exacerbate them and like nothing on earth. I get that cancelling a wedding is hard and expensive but it's a lot more difficult telling people you are splitting up and it's also expensive to get divorced - you also will still end up without your house and unable to pay the bills!
Life is too short to be trapped in a relationship with a person about whom the only positive thing you seem to have to say about is that you've been together a long time.
Cancel the wedding now before spending a single penny more on it and before anyone else does. Even those who are upset will get over it and tbh if they would prefer to see you stuck in a loveless marriage who gives a rat's ass what they think????

bigchris · 09/06/2019 20:13

Please don't marry him

Having children makes this worse too, you end up in separate rooms every night, I speak from experience, if you don't fancy him now don't marry him, it doesn't get better and lack of intimacy kills a marriage in my experience

bigchris · 09/06/2019 20:16

But at this point I have little option but to carry on the way it is - there are so many complications here. I cannot call off the wedding, and I can't sell the house - I cannot even afford to survive on my own, being on just an average income

This is ridiculous, you aren't married , you don't have kids, you are not entwined

If you get married it will be so hard to do this later

Thedoctor can give him somethjng to help erectile dysfunction but do you honestly want to have sex with him??

The overweight and games addiction is an awful household to bring the kids up in, you'll be on your own with them

Divinelyuninspired · 09/06/2019 20:18

What an awful start to a marriage. The only way is downhill.

Think seriously about cancelling.

It doesn’t sound as if he is keen either.

Itsallpointless · 09/06/2019 20:24

You must NOT marry him, you are so so young and have your whole life ahead of you. People in their forties and fifties manage this, you can do it with your eyes closed, have faith in yourselfFlowers

billy1966 · 09/06/2019 20:28

Dear God OP,

That is so awfully sad to leave.
He sounds like a disgusting mess of a man.
Why would you marry him.
Get away or you'll be committing yourself to a life of utter misery.
Cancel the wedding and make plans to leave.

bebeboeuf · 09/06/2019 20:28

My ex was like this and I still married him. Divorced 2 years later after far too long

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 20:29

When I tell him I'm unhappy he just gets angry and says he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel my only option is to run away

Do it... run!

If you met in your teens, have been together for 9 yrs, you're still in your 20s. You have time to totally start again and find someone you have some chemistry with.

DH and I have been together 10 yrs. The honeymoon phase has well and truly gone. We're not at it like rabbits everyday any more, and we sleep separately due to his snoring.

BUT we still have chemistry. When we do have sex, it's still fireworks. We row and bicker but it always ends in a huge hug, apologies and kisses.

Regardless of sex we still take time to do other stuff together, we talk a lot, we laugh a lot. When I married him we'd already been together 6 yrs and were past the honeymoon period and had already beenthrough so much adversities and hardships that had tested our relationship to nearly breaking point. But I knew he was the one I should marry. No doubts, no cold feet, no second thoughts.

Your words speak of no deep love, passion or chemistry. He is unwilling to consider your happiness, doesn't see you as the other half of him, doesn't want the same things as you in terms of the future and fsmily-planning and openly says he doesn't care how you feel. Which is sad at such a young age.

It's not good foundations for a marriage and I can guarantee this will one day end in divorce.

Don't do it.

hellenbackagen · 09/06/2019 20:32

Don't marry him.

I speak from experience. I'm now with someone I met at 42 but we missed out on kids together and it's a huge regret.

Sexless marriages are not fun.

Don't do it .

sheshootssheimplores · 09/06/2019 20:32

This will only get worse. Do not marry him. If you must you can continue in a relationship with him until you find the energy to leave him for good. But my god, don’t marry him!!

CardinalCat · 09/06/2019 20:38

If you can't bring yourself to end things altogether, then I implore you at least to postpone the wedding, making clear to him that this is his wake up call, and if the relationship is to be salvaged (with perhaps a view to marriage in the future) then the ball is in his court to make the long overdue changes to his lifestyle and general attitude. He may have health issues such as depression, or he may just be a massive manbaby- or perhaps a bit of both. However you are not marrying this hot mess right now. No way! If he really loves you and is worthy of you then he'll take this as a second chance and an opportunity to fix things. If he shouts and sulks, then you can leave knowing that you've had the luckiest of lucky escapes.
At the moment you have no relationship- you're like flat mates with a very unsatisfactory FWB arrangement every so often. Imagine signing up to a life of that? How could you honestly say vows to this man and then look yourself in the eye next time you look in the mirror. Come on, OP.
Do you have family close by?
At your age, a room in a flatshare sounds ideal- you'll make new buddies and not have the responsibility of mortgage etc to worry about.
You're on the cusp of something life changing (for the better) here- can't you see that?

LynetteScavo · 09/06/2019 20:38

No, that's not just how it feels when you've been with someone a long time. I've been married 20 years and it's nothing like that.

Karwomannghia · 09/06/2019 20:40

No one is going to tell you you should carry on because there is no reason to apart from some misguided loyalty. It’s ok to put a stop to it. You can leave an engagement and sell a house and move into cheap accommodation such as a shared house. It is hassle, yes, but why on earth would you keep walking down this awful path when you can simply stop, turn around and run in different direction, any direction you want! What is the worst that will happen?

PickAChew · 09/06/2019 20:41

Why the hell would you legally tie yourself to someone so utterly lazy and repulsive, who has made it clear that he doesn't give a shit about you?

Is this how you want to spend the next 50 years of your life? You absolutely can and should leave him.

Lima45 · 09/06/2019 20:41

Please don't marry him.

My partner has Autism and is also physically disabled. He has a few of the traits that you have described. (Things need to be in their place, Xbox, gained a bit of weight)

However, we do loads of stuff together, our sex life is good and I still fancy him, also He's willing to compromise on things (I'm messy, so now he's contains his stress to rooms visitors may see, leaving our private space alone)

It seems more like he's your platonic best friend than your partner. And you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what if...

QueenBeee · 09/06/2019 20:45

What Pickachew said.

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