I need to get this out there

[CircleofLife4]

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this and respond. It's something I can speak to no one about in real life.

I have been with my partner for 9 years, we have a house /mortgage together and are about to get married in a matter of weeks.

We have been together since we were teens, and were each others first real relationship. I can honestly say I can't imagine life without him, but I am having doubts on whether i am IN love with him. I don't know if this is just how it feels to be with someone as long as we have, many people marry while still in the honeymoon faze after 2-3 years, that phase has long long passed for us.

While I definitely care for him, some days I feel I don't like him. I suspect he has some sort of OCD or perhaps something more serious. He panics if I spill something, or put something in the 'wrong' place. He will start screaming and freaking out about it. I am tired of it.

He also spends every evening and weekend in his computer room, playing games on the xbox. He also sleeps in there - we are sleeping separately due to disturbing each other with snoring /restlessness in the night. He never wants to go out unless we are going to the supermarket, or to eat, he hates going out for walks or days out.

He has also gained a lot of weight, and eats rubbish. He won't eat fruit or beg, all he will eat is cereal, junk food, and takeaways.

This sounds petty I know, but there are much deeper issues. We rarely have sex, perhaps once every 6 weeks and it's becoming more and more infrequent. When we do he quickly becomes a sweaty and tired mess so we have to stop. He hasn't ejaculated with me in maybe two years. I am 99% he watches porn when he gets home from work (an hour before me). But he never wants to do anything with me.

SO I don't see children in my future with him, I don't think he would even be able to perform the necessary deed to do so! When we boight the house we said the second room would be the baby's room, but now it's become his games room. I suspect he doesn't want kids but when I ask he says he does 'one day', then gets angry when I ask how that will be possible if he can't ejaculate.

But at this point I have little option but to carry on the way it is - there are so many complications here. I cannot call off the wedding, and I can't sell the house - I cannot even afford to survive on my own, being on just an average income. I have asked him to go to the dr and seek help for his sexual problems, snoring, and possible OCD but he won't. When I tell him I'm unhappy he just gets angry and says he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel my only option is to run away abroad or something! I don't even have any friends IRL. That's why I'm here.

OP, I left my ex after 30 years, as I had thought it would be too hard to do. It was easier than I thought and my life is so much better. I wish I'd done it years ago.

Don't let yourself get trapped, call off the wedding, get all the practicalities started and go. Even if it's renting a room, it'll help you get back on your feet and then the world is your oyster. You can take time to decide what you really want.

I left a marriage that sounds exactly like this right down to the issues with sex. With him for six years and married for two. Wish I'd cancelled the wedding and saved the money. I knew it was going to end and i should have ended it there and then rather than suffer two years of misery. End it now. Thankfully i ended it at age 26 and i am a lot happier having done so.

The ocd and not wanting to go out anywhere and do things is bad enough to me, without even getting into the dysfunctional sex, not feeling desired etc.

You can manage on your income if you have to, lots of people manage on not great incomes. You could house share, with the right people that could be a good social outlet/network too. You'll meet someone else sooner or later if you try.

Imagine your life like this for the next 60 years ........and then realise how awful it would be to get married to him.

Of course you can leave him, call off the wedding, get the house sold. If you don’t you will find yourself 40’s or 50’s having thrown the best years if your life away.
Pack a bag and go.

You really do need to call of the wedding and break up with him.

Nothing in your relationship sounds good, absolutely nothing. You cannot sacrifice your happiness to this person.

op wouldn't be married in 30, 40 50 years time, it would be over before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate.
please don't marry him, get yourself sorted out a.s.a.p

Oh sweetheart. Don’t do it. Sounds like being buried alive.
No matter how awful calling it off is, definitely easier than divorce.

Speaking from experience, please separate. You owe it to yourself.
I’d been with exH from the age of 16. Engaged at 18 and married at 21. I was really unsure about marrying him for a number of reasons but felt I’d left it too late and was too worried about ‘throwing away’ the relationship.
When we finally separated I ended up in the box room of a shared house. I had very little money or belongings. I was still happier then when I had been married to him.
Be brave and do the right thing for you.

No don't do it.
It will be the biggest mistake of your life.
You've been with him for 9 years - that's a massive percentage of your life wasted already.
Be strong because things will be so much better for you in the future without him.

If you call off the wedding now, in a couple of years it will be a distant memory and you will have a new life, new friends, maybe even new love.

If you marry him, in a couple of years time you'll either be existing alongside a man you resent, wasting your best years, or you'll be starting divorce proceedings. With all the financial, emotional, logistical issues that brings.

I know what I'd do.

Calling it off would be, for me, the least terrifying option.

Please don't go through with marrying this guy...
You wont know yourself if you left him!

If you can't face calling the wedding off atm then put it on hold to start with.

You can call it off later when you can face it.
You know you have to split
Your home when sold will probably give you some cash.

If you are thinking of the money already spent on the wedding, I can tell you that is a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of a divorce if your oh starts dragging things out.

You can start again. It might not be in as big a place as you have now but you can work your way back up and eventually you will be in a bigger and better place with someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated

Yes, postpone the wedding. Loudly, today. Do it seriously, not some kind of dramatic threat.

Sit him down calmly and say that you’ve seen the future and it isn’t pretty. Tell him you can’t/won’t promise to continue this current arrangement. That you’re too young to sacrifice sex, intimacy, kids, friendship and love for a future that looks like caring for an addict with health issues. Tell him you’re prepared to re-plan the wedding for the same time next year to give change a chance.

Whatever happens next will tell you a lot... and many choices you face will make themselves.

He sounds depressed and suffering from mh problems. But also just lazy. Out of shape to the point he can't enjoy sex, unambitious, doesn't like leaving the horse. He needs help - but not the sort of help he'd get if you married him. You'd just make yourself miserable, and enable his problems further.

"cannot even afford to survive on my own, being on just an average income"

You don't have kids, if you sell the house will that pay the mortgage? You're a lot better off than many other people here who have to break off a relationship. You'll do fine, and so will he. But if you marry him you'll be stuck in a miserable codependent relationship. Don't do it.

You don’t once say you loved him. That’s telling.

Oh OP, hugs to you. I’ve been in a similar situation myself in the past. And I’ve been with DH 13 years and despite some very difficult times our relationship is nothing whatsoever like this.

This relationship has no redeeming features beyond being your status quo.

You own a house together, I assume there’s at least some equity in it, and you have a job. Of course you can manage on your own. People with far less manage. You’re young, you can get a room in a house share, be a lodger, whatever. Please don’t further chain yourself to this man just because it’s a bit tricky to get out of it.

He treats you like shit. This doesn’t have to be your life! You want kids and a future, he will drag you down with him.

When I tell him I'm unhappy he just gets angry and says he doesn't care.

This is the only sentence that really matters in your whole OP. If any of the people you care about told you they were unhappy, what would your reaction be? I sense it wouldn’t be the same as this, and you’d be concerned if they lived with this treatment from their supposed romantic partner.

Sometimes we find it hard to be as kind to ourselves as we are to other people in our lives; why is it ok for you to carry on living this way for the foreseeable future if you would treat others the same way?

Do you really feel you’d be happy living this life for the next 40 years?

It doesn’t sound like there’s much in this relationship for you.

Call off the wedding!

It may well be a difficult period, but do you really want this for the rest of your life?

Life really isn't meant to be this hard or unpleasant.

Until you have someone who is a true partner you won’t realise how rubbish this is. Please don’t settle. I’d bet money you’d be happier in a rented room if that’s even what it comes to -free yourself of this man child and live and love .

Why have you said you can't cancel the wedding; of course you can!

And you should.

You will not be happy if you stay in this relationship and you are far too young to settle for this.

But at this point I have little option but to carry on the way it is - there are so many complications here. I cannot call off the wedding, and I can't sell the house - I cannot even afford to survive on my own

You have options, just because you’re weeks away from a wedding doesn’t mean you have to go through with it, same way once people are married they can get divorced.

I was with my STBXH 11 years (from 17).. our marriage lasted a year. I imagine he had doubts similar to you as a year after the wedding he told me he no longer loved me, I don’t hate him for that but I hate him for marrying me, it would’ve caused much less pain financially and mentally had he had the calls to cancel it before.

We also shared a house, there are options and you could sell up, buy somewhere smaller or rent etc - do not marry this man just because you’re worried about a financial future.

I was devastated when my husband left me, thought I was the only women in the world to be divorced at 28, it’s been a year now and I can honestly say I am happier then ever and I am so glad that although he didn’t have the balls to admit he didn’t love me anymore before the marriage I’m glad he did it before we had children.

Nobody can tell you what to do but I strongly believe the life you have now isn’t going to change once married and it’s also not going to make you happy.

Oh my God. You have to call off the wedding.

You must be late 20s - still young. And he's been your only real experience.

If you had a wider experience to compare this with you would know how utterly awful this is. Do not marry. You'll ruin your life, to put it bluntly.

Yes you can call off the wedding.
Yes you can sell the house.
Yes you can literally pack a bag tomorrow and tell him you're done.

You are young
You have no ties

This isn't right at all and believe me you will eventually divorce anyway so DON'T DO IT!

He doesn't care.
That's awful.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care?
Be strong, OP.

He's miserable and fat and lazy because he doesn't know how to live or love. You'll get married and pretty soon you will be the reason he's miserable and fat and lazy.

I think you have an addictive leach on your hands. Games, porn. You have kids with this guy and you are done. Kiss goodbye to happiness.