I can't find anyone. Has anyone been in this position? I am so low

[OusideSea]

First time posting, not sure if this is an ok thing to post, I just feel totally in despair.

I have had relationships before, two that I lived with. They didn't work out for the normal sorts of reasons and I am glad im not with them. but I was much happier overall when in a relationship. sure, I have had happy times being single but 6 years of it is shit.

im now nearly 37 and feel so left out of everything...of things I want in my own right, not just because everyone else has it! ive wanted a family since my early twenties.

I date. I cant seem to find anyone. many friends have been married and divorced, married again, or had children in this time. I am still alone. i am deeply deeply unhappy. i am so independent and have my own life...i don't want someone to 'fix' me. i just want to share my life with someone and raise a family. i feel broken today.

Sympathies, ouside, I got a bit further along the road & actually had children, but them marriage fell apart and I've not found a new partnership since, despite wanting one. I don't know why. You'll get all sorts of platitudes - you're still young, never know what's round the corner, happen when you least expect it, probably better off single anyway, blah blah, mostly from people who've got partners.

I can't help you make it happen, because I don't understand how it works, how you catch someone's eye & they catch yours and you're both interested in a 1:1 commitment. So all I can do is bumble along, enjoying my own company, being as happy as I can be, single, and never giving up hope.

Everything is ok to post. I am sorry you feel so alone, thats a crappy way to feel. Do you know why you struggle with dating and meeting the right person? Are you looking for something/someone unobtainable?

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I don’t know if I am looking for something unattainable. I think maybe when I was younger I was. But not for the last few years.

I feel so alone. I carry on and go to work and tidy my home and try to make sure I believe it will happen one day. I go on dates and have met people many times but I end up ending it or it fizzles out because im not that interested and stop making the effort to meet them.

How come people can be married twice, or have three kids, or have travelled the world with someone in this time and I’m still alone? I don’t know what I do wrong.

I already feel like I’ve missed out on so much that I will never have back. Last night I was at my brothers birthday and he made a speech talking about something funny that happened 8 years ago with his girlfriend. He’s only 29! I’ve never had long memories with someone like that.

How come people can be married twice, or have three kids, or have travelled the world with someone in this time and I’m still alone

The same way I felt when learned "yeah you cant have kids and we can't help you because budgets"

Its fucking shit.

Make your own happiness is my only advice.

Furious

The thing is I’m not happy on my own. I have been, very much so. But I’ve done all the single things and lived that life. I’m over it. Yes there are pockets of happiness here and there but there is a HUGE gap without a significant other in your life. At least there is for me. I honestly feel like there’s no point to anything, my job, home, whatever.

Oh OP. Have some unmumnsetty hugs.

I felt like that in the aftermath of learning I couldn't have bio DC. Like "What's the point"?

Give it a few years and you may feel differwntly. Volunteering can do a lot. Any community project. But pick your projects carefully!

I am going to have a look at volunteering. I just feel like anything I do it trying to fill something that can’t be filled without having someone in my life. I know that’s not a popular view with women in general life it seems but it is how I feel. I’ve done the whole career thing and house thing and been independent. I just want someone to come home to and share things with. Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the car to go and get some food I was so sad about walking round a supermarket alone. I just don’t feel I am coping at all.

You have to get back to the point of finding joy in your own job, home, space, freedom... I don't know how but that bit is key.

you want it so badly now that every time you start to get close to somebody and it's a maybe maybe what's happening here kind of situation, you get a scarcity mindset and that frightens them off. All of this is very subconscious by the way.

Work on your lack of joie de vivre FIRST

TheHanmock do you really think that is the case? Maybe that is true. The last few people I have dated have been the ones pushing for things to progress rather than me. But as I’m yet to actually find someone I want to be with I am open to any idea as to why that may be.

Is there something you enjoy doing? Join some clubs and get with like minded people, he may be at one of these clubs?

I totally know how you feel as there were many times that I felt like that when I was single too. You almost feel like your life can't move forward until that piece of the puzzle is in place.

The best advice I could give you is: it really is a numbers game and you just need to go on as many dates as possible. People in their 20s go out more with other single friends and meet more new people so have a much wider scope to meet a partner. If you're anything like me when I was single in my early 30s, I saw the same people day in, day out at work and then spent most of my time at home or at quiet dinners/drinks with friends where I didn't meet any guys. Taking up hobbies didn't really interest me and any time I did do a new course, there would never be any attractive guys there.

Therefore, I made sure I was extremely active on OLD, going on 3-7 dates a week for 2 years! I eventually met my DH that way and we are now expecting a baby. Don't get me wrong, there were many times I felt like giving up because yet another guy wasn't "the one" or I felt rejected. But I knew I had to get back in the saddle asap because the alternative was waiting for Mr Right to knock at my door, which clearly wasn't going to happen!

So, don't give up on the dating; make sure you have at least 3 or 4 dates planned per week. Only spend time on guys who seem serious and have taken the time to create a proper profile, chat for a few days then meet for a drink near you so you can be back in time for Corrie if they're not your cup of tea It can be like a part-time job but it will pay off! I said exactly the same thing to my friend who was your age 2 years ago when was really down in the dumps and she is now planning her wedding! Have a cry, feel like shit for a few days but please don't give up! He is out there but he can't find you unless you're out there too

What CatSmize said. It is definitely a numbers game and I, like you, can’t believer how hard it is to find somebody when there are so many bloody people in the world.

I was single for 7 years before I met my husband who actually I had known since I was 15. And I know it is a cliche but when we got together it was completely different from all the other guys that I had dated.

My friends used to really piss me off and tell me I was being too picky. I literally just wanted to both like and fancy someone and want that they felt the same back. I didn’t give a shit about how tall he was, what he did for a living, what car he drove etc.

I can only echo that it is a numbers game and to keep doing other things that make you happy whilst meeting as many men as possible. Although I couldn’t do 3/4 dates a week that would be fricking exhausting!

And also in my life the people that I have loved I probably would have swiped past on a tinder site. They are people that I wouldn’t necessarily have thought we’re ‘good looking’ in a picture but meeting them in the flesh would find them immensely attractive!

Would you look into having a baby alone?

So sorry OP. I spent many lonely years as a single mum with nobody interested in me. Went through agonies wondering if I'd be alone forever. Then out of the blue had a whirlwind romance and felt I'd met my soul mate. Turned out to be an absolute dick head that I then spent 18 years with.
Now late 50s and alone again but couldn't be happier.
When you are single meeting a man is very very hard. If you want to meet someone you need to treat it like a military operation or a business. Hoping someone will come along won't cut it.
Join several dating agencies and aim for two dates a week. Be very tough with them and don't accept we'd best. If hey don't cut it then dump them straight away.

You will not meet someone sitting at home.
It will be very hard but you need to use your head not your heart.

Although I couldn’t do 3/4 dates a week that would be fricking exhausting!

One week I'm sure I actually managed 10! I usually just had one drink with them and made my excuses, unless I fancied them, in which case I'd stay longer. The second dates were normally more romantic

Thank you for all these replies.

I am not coping at all well today. I have had times when I have dated a lot and that is definitely the way to do it. It just feels hard some days I think and a bit hopeless. I feel bitterr that many people meet at university or through work and I have to have these horrible dating times that nobody enjoys until they’ve found that person. It doesn’t seem fair especially when people have been married twice!

I feel like I haven’t got the energy to even date anymore. I feel so low. All I want to do today is go for a walk with my family. And that’s all in my head because it’s so far off and maybe will never even happen. I can’t even be bothered to cook just for myself and all my friends have children so it isn’t as if they are always free to join me. Life just feels shit today.

Is there a reason why you are losing interest in people? It sounds like you have opportunities to meet a partner but you give up and stop making an effort. Are you sticking to a type?

I’m not sure. I start feeling bored I think and that I can’t imagine a long term future. The relationships I have been in in the past I have been very committed to though. When I want to be with someone I put my all in.

I don’t know. I sometimes think maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone and that’s just not what life is about for me

As PP asked have you thought about having a baby alone? I'm your age and I'm now 15 weeks pregnant without a partner and it's already bringing me fulfillment in ways I'd never thought possible. (And to be honest, reading about all the nightmare-ish partners on here I feel really happy to be doing it on my own, just me and the bab and no one else to worry about :)

*but I end up ending it or it fizzles out because im not that interested and stop making the effort to meet them.

How come people can be married twice, or have three kids, or have travelled the world with someone in this time and I’m still alone? I don’t know what I do wrong.*

I think you've answered your own question in the first paragraph; not that it's a good answer.
Lots and lots and lots of people settle in relationships that are not fully/really what they want - in order to have a partner, to have kids etc. They put up with a lot, compromise a lot. You see it on here a lot. I see it all the time irl.

That doesn't help you much, but I'm just pointing out that you haven't.

Have you considered seeing your GP re: low mood OP, or a therapist; CBT can be very helpful for some to move past playback of negative thought patterns- yours seem to ruin a lot of things for you if everything feels ruined because it's happening without a partner. We all get stuck sometimes so it's worth considering.

It is also worth considering that longevity of a relationship isn't a marker of a successful one anyway. You surely want to be able to enjoy a relationship when one comes in a healthy non codependent way. Nobody is going to plug gaps for you, that is not about finding the right person. You don't know that everyone you perceive has just 'found' their match somehow actually has, people very often settle, are not happy, no longer fancy or are indeed cheating on, their significant others. It isn't all a happily ever after I guess is my point, although it's easy to bend a narrative when we are feeling sorry for ourselves.

On a practical level I would try attending things you enjoy and perhaps you will meet like minded people at those events (volunteering, evening courses) or spend more time socially with friends and meet their friends. Dating seems awful and I'm not surprised it wasn't for you. I really would address your low mood though, even if you feel its situational; these things creep in and will almost certainly affect your enthusiasm for people and increase feelings of hopelessness.

Sorry you feel so low OP.
I agree with dont great post

This might sound harsh but in your day to day life if you constantly appear to have a downer on your own life then others arent going to want to be part of it or be attracted to you .
Im reading that you are male ?
( dont answer if you dont want to !)