I can't find anyone. Has anyone been in this position? I am so low

[OusideSea]

First time posting, not sure if this is an ok thing to post, I just feel totally in despair.

I have had relationships before, two that I lived with. They didn't work out for the normal sorts of reasons and I am glad im not with them. but I was much happier overall when in a relationship. sure, I have had happy times being single but 6 years of it is shit.

im now nearly 37 and feel so left out of everything...of things I want in my own right, not just because everyone else has it! ive wanted a family since my early twenties.

I date. I cant seem to find anyone. many friends have been married and divorced, married again, or had children in this time. I am still alone. i am deeply deeply unhappy. i am so independent and have my own life...i don't want someone to 'fix' me. i just want to share my life with someone and raise a family. i feel broken today.

Hi OP, I can relate to how you feel in some ways. I have had periods of thinking that I want to meet someone and have dabbled on and off with OLD over the last 10 years (I'm 49). My experience is that the men on these sites want to "settle down" far too quickly - one took me to meet his parents on our second date. It's honestly made me appreciate that I don't just want anyone. I can't imagine actually living with anyone again either.

It's slightly different as I've lived only with DD for the last 21 years. My ex left when I was pregnant and hasn't had any involvement at all, but in some ways that's been easier (obviously I have no control experiment).

If you really want a child, I'd say go ahead and have one alone.

@outsidesea, I do think that that could be the reason yes, and I have to say I"m not uttering up a platitude here from the position of ignorance of your situation! I have been single for SO much of my life and the relationship I'm in now, I don't see it as a forever thing either.

However it does feel 'real'. For so long I think I felt chemistry with the men who were ho hum about me, so I only felt comfortable pursuing men who had one foot away from me. If a man was certain about me, I felt panicky!

Classic 'my parents weren't that in to me' stuff. But I read ''Attached'' by Heller and LEVINE. I read Natalie Lue's Mr unavailable and the fallback girl and I read Jeb Kinnison (less known, had to read on kindle) but something he said gave me an epiphany. I was angry when I first read it in fact, but he said in his book that an abusive relationship (the only 'relationship'' i'd had) was a form of avoidance. There I was chasing avoidants once I'd left my abusive x, but staying in that relationship was a form of avoidance. He never 'saw' me, he never 'knew' me. So I do see that now. The relationship I"m in now, I know i would have felt stifled by it a few years ago (in fact I did try to end it at the point when the first flush of excitement passed but somehow I coped with the fact that he knows me). I have felt ''invaded'' in the past by people being nice to me, knowing my thoughts (because they care). I wonder if that is the case for you, maybe not, but I think it is what kept me single, because I panicked if I felt people could see who I was. Not that I went around being inauthentic! I was always fine with ordinary friendships but relationships were too intimate and stifling for me. Sincere apologies if this is not the case at all.

Ross Rosenberg has written some stuff about how conquering loneliness is the key to curing co-dependence and I think he's right. Something clicked in me and now I trust in the body of evidence behind me, I was happier alone than trying to 'fix' my single status. So I stopped TRYING. I have been on a lot of bad internet dates and none of them went anywhere.

If you can afford it, I would have a child on your own. Don't let the years tick by at this point. You can research all of the relationship issues while you're pregnant.

It can all be fixed if you dig deep I think. You're still young! Create the life you want.

running, cycling, diving, cross training - that kind of thing), volunteer with I dunno - National Trust to build walls and maintain footpaths - something that you can see men being up for.

Also hiking, climbing, tennis, photography, sailing, canoeing/kayaking.

Some volunteering is dominated by older folks. Some not so much eg land/mountain rescue, coastguard, rnli etc.

Old should only be one spoke of your dating strategy. It is a tough scene. You have to give yourself opportunities outside it. Any hobby with a social angle is good.

Incidentally the theory courses (yacht master etc) for sailing/boating are also 90% blokes. Of course many will be attached but ..

PS< I'm a single parent to two and I think being a single parent to one child must be very 'do-able'!

PS, not saying your previous relationships weren't healthy but just a few more ideas to consider.

@Moralitym1n1 I'm a sailor and I second that. There are loads of early middle aged guys on their own sailing. There are quite a few ads in the sailing mags looking for a relationship, and if you have a day skipper qualification you can crew too! I mey my chap at a racket club.

I had a crap marriage that with hindsight should never have happened, met someone who I loved to the end of the earth even though he was an alcoholic & he died. I've been on my own nearly 5 years now & I don't think I will ever meet anyone again, does it bother me? No, I'm happy on my own now, I please myself what I do & when, nobody to answer to. I've come to the conclusion that I'm a solitary person & that's what I'm meant to be.

Hey OP 👋🏼

When life doesn’t match the fantasy in our head or what we imagine for ourselves it can be really hard but remember it is just that a “fantasy” or as we all like to call it hopes and dreams. Many people who are in relationships may be feeling just as alone being in a relationship doesn’t always = feeling complete. I personally think you are in a better position than most you are free and open for a loving relationship no nasty divorce or heartbreak to hold you back if I was you I would work on loving myself to full and finding purpose in my life ultimately we can only receive what we have inside and to expect someone else to fill a void (although we all want that significant other) is where I think most relationships go wrong how can we expect someone else to fill our void when we are all walking around with our own void that we can’t even fill ourselves! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Fill your own cup first and you’ll find it x

And as others have said if you are in a financial position to have a child and that would make you happy then go for it 🙌🏼 I know that’s what I’ll be doing in a few years if I haven’t met the right one.

I was like this OP for many many years. I'd only had one LTR and a few flings by age 33. I used to think I had a force field around me repelling potential suitors. I remember feeling so much like I was on the outside of life, looking in.

I did eventually find someone but I'm not gonna say that'll definitely happen to the OP because there are no guarantees.

What j would say tho is, beware of romanticising this. It's easy to pour all your problems and unhappiness into this one thing that's wrong.

I'm happily married now, but I'm not walking round in ecstasy every day. Life is sometimes up, sometimes down. It's good but not as amazing as I'd imagined if thst makes any sense.

OP, if it’s any consolation, I was for married 20 odd years, and I used to feel like you do now. The fact that you’re married doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel lonely etc. If anything, sometimes it’s worse. You go: where the actual fuck did I go so wrong, I work my arse off to make a lovely life with an abusive prick type of thing.

Your happiness does not depend on whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Happiness is more of a ‘universal’ thing than that.
Giving, interacting, learning, being part of a community, that’s where happiness lays. It’s about being part of, about being useful.
You want to find your tribe.

Happiness is more of a ‘universal’ thing than that.
Giving, interacting, learning, being part of a community, that’s where happiness lays. It’s about being part of, about being useful.
You want to find your tribe.

Oh this is so true. (And on the plus side you're far likelier to meet someone doing all of that!)

@8FencingWire totally agree. Great post 😀