I can't find anyone. Has anyone been in this position? I am so low

[OusideSea]

First time posting, not sure if this is an ok thing to post, I just feel totally in despair.

I have had relationships before, two that I lived with. They didn't work out for the normal sorts of reasons and I am glad im not with them. but I was much happier overall when in a relationship. sure, I have had happy times being single but 6 years of it is shit.

im now nearly 37 and feel so left out of everything...of things I want in my own right, not just because everyone else has it! ive wanted a family since my early twenties.

I date. I cant seem to find anyone. many friends have been married and divorced, married again, or had children in this time. I am still alone. i am deeply deeply unhappy. i am so independent and have my own life...i don't want someone to 'fix' me. i just want to share my life with someone and raise a family. i feel broken today.

@OusideSea iv been there. I felt like my life would never begin. I too wanted children and to share my life with somebody. I used to sit in my house almost every evening and sob. I got to the point I didn't want to go out because I was always third wheeling and always broke due to living on my own. Eventually after dating which wasn't always fun I got talking to someone I briefly knew from years ago. We have now been together 3 years and have a daughter and another on the way. It will happen and it happened to me when I gave up looking xx

When i read things like this i feel like someone needs to start a dating thread, people can comment age, rough location and sexuality and abit about them then if you like the sound of them private msg them.

But in all seriousness, I do think you'll find the right person when the time is right op.

Lots and lots and lots of people settle in relationships that are not fully/really what they want - in order to have a partner, to have kids etc. They put up with a lot, compromise a lot. You see it on here a lot. I see it all the time irl.

I agree, and that's why they've been married twice! I'm mid-40s and have seen so many of those kind of marriages implode over the last few years - the people who settled for Mr OK aged late 20s or early 30s - those marriages often produced DC and then 10 years later they got divorced. Most of those 'odd' couples that their friends thought 'What is s/he doing with him/her?', they ended in divorce.

Don't settle OP. Be picky, but get out there. You'll never meet anyone if you don't get out and socialise. Say yes to every invitation, join some kind of exercise group where men will be (running, cycling, diving, cross training - that kind of thing), volunteer with I dunno - National Trust to build walls and maintain footpaths - something that you can see men being up for. And if you're feeling really down and a bit desperate go and see your GP and see if a course of anti-depressants might help you through this rough patch. Desperation stinks and people can detect it at 500 paces. I don't know if you give off those vibes - maybe you're just having a bad day and normally you don't - but if this post is really how you feel a lot of the time you could be depressed, so be proactive about getting help

From what you've said, it isn't so much that people don't want to be in a relationship with you, but that you haven't found anyone that you want to commit to. Is that right? Do you think that you're self-sabotaging in some way, because you're afraid of getting hurt? Maybe getting therapy would help you, not only because it gives you a chance to talk about how you feel, but also because it can help you work out what else might be going on. Probably completely off the mark her, but are you sure that you're heterosexual?

If you want to have a child, why not do this? There is absolutely no reason why not. Several of my single friends have done this, one used AI and another just used a man she liked but has never been involved with.

I have a husband but he works away a lot and we have different hobbies etc. I'd say 90% of what I get happiness/satisfaction out of day-to-day is not related to having a partner. So see if you can find some enjoyment in your day-to-day life.

Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the car to go and get some food I was so sad about walking round a supermarket alone.

I went to the supermarket on my own yesterday. Not that I really noticed but I'm sure there were many people there on their own. I was happy while I was there as I was choosing some nice food for the weekend for me to eat.

Just have a child by yourself or look into co-parenting. Honestly, I wish I could turn back the clock and remain single. Relationships are hard, hard work.

I agree with PPs that it's a numbers game and sometimes it's just dumb luck.

When I was single after the breakdown of a long term relationship, I found Meetup.com great. Not specifically for meeting men, but for getting out and socialising, which is the first step. If you're interested in travel, look at joining a group trip. I did one with Intrepid and half the group were solo, and I made two really good friends out of it.

There's no guarantee you'll find a man by doing this, but it does help you to feel more fulfilled and content in yourself. Which can lead to you attracting more men.

Also I almost always go to the supermarket on my own. I never would have considered it a group activity.

OP, it is understandable that you feel low at times but if this persists then you might be heading towards depression, especially if every day tasks feel impossible.

I am single and sometimes I would like a partner around to help as the responsibility for life can be overwhelming at times but equally having settled (unconsciously) I know I was definitely unhappier within a bad marriage.

I know a woman who is happily married, met at a young age and is happy..guess what she says it is luck. She has a gorgeous good friend who has struggled with finding someone, absolutely no reason why just not as fortunate. It can be luck and that is what we have to accept.

I also think that once you are past a certain age there are less "good" men available. Good men can make relationships work so stay in relationships. Women generally work harder in relationships especially if there are children.
The toxic men come free after 10years or so (seems to be a timeframe I have noticed as well) so if you are avoiding them, well done! That is a major life success. I pupd preferred to be single rather than have an abusive marriage.

There will be guys out there so don't give up but consider solo parenting if children are an important factor for you.

I don't think anyone who has been married twice is fortunate or lucky..they will have spent money on weddings and divorce and had pretty awful times and most likely envy women like you who have remained single and not chosen the wrong man.

Are you on dating sites now?

The baby question...I would be very scared to do it alone. I’m not sure I would enjoy it as I would feel under immense pressure and my family wouldn’t be able to help (age, distance etc).

I am on dating sites. I suppose it is easy to idealise having children and being married but I do think if I had children and then was divorced I would always feel grateful and that my life was worth it in some way.

I do think if I had children and then was divorced I would always feel grateful and that my life was worth it in some way.

If you really feel that a person is worthless if they have no children, there's a problem there. That is unhealthy, irrational thinking and you could do with some therapy to deal with that.

I don’t think a person is worthless without children.

I feel my life is worthless to me because it is something I really want.

I think it’s easier to meet someone in your twenties, as a PP said. I think it then gets easier again at 40+ as people start to divorce for the reasons also outlined by various PPs. I think that you’re a bit of an inbetweener dating-wise. However, you don’t know until you throw yourself into it.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so low.

I feel my life is worthless to me because it is something I really want.

I think you really need to get out of this headspace for your own sake. I hope you do get to have children, but it's not something that can ever be guaranteed. It is possible to have a fulfilling life without them.

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I wasted the last 8 years with an arsehole that dumped me on the cusp of 40. He promised me a family.
I've been effectively single for a year and a half and the things that get to me are not going out for nice lazy Sunday lunches, having to go to the cinema alone etc. It's soul destroying.
The only interest I've had has been from married men or pricks that just want sex.
I'm currently trying to get pregnant by a willing FWB his idea actually. I'll never be a mum otherwise.
Internet dating has ruined the way we meet people I think.

I totally get how you feel, I'm very slowly coming to terms with the fact that at 42 with 2 major health conditions, no partner, no money & no support network I may never have children & it's extremely hard to accept it.

I feel happy most of the time though but I know it's just the meds I'm on lifting my mood!!

As for meeting a decent man it's impossible it seems. At work theyre all married, weird, or players.

I hate OLD so I'm starting to go to the gym a lot. There are plenty of fit men but how to start a conversation when they all have headphones on?

The local Singles group is top heavy with women as is meetup.
I hate religion & all other local groups eg political groups / clubs are full of much older people.
All my friends are coupled out / have kids so don't want to hang out with me at bars & clubs.

What is the answer?? I wish I knew. Sorry can't be more positive.

@CatSmize So, don't give up on the dating; make sure you have at least 3 or 4 dates planned per week

That'd be nice. I haven't had 3 or 4 dates in the last year. In fact, I haven't had a date for 7 years and have been single 9. Unfortunately it you're a man who doesn't want kids or to be a stepparent you've pretty much got bugger all chance.

OP I don't want the family bit but I can totally sympathise with you. People harp on about feeling happy in yourself and it's all very well, and for a while, that's doable, with the occasional period of feeling a bit cheesed up, but after years and years of being on your own, it becomes very difficult, doesn't it, to be nothing but cheesed off? Everyone will suggest joining groups/clubs and doing online dating but sometimes, no matter how much effort you make, you get zero results and when you see all your friends coupled up, or people falling in and out of relationships easily and frequently, it's hard to understand why it won't happen for you. I totally get it.

I met someone through online dating in September of last year, I’m 38 now and I’m pregnant. Completely unplanned. My age, numerous health conditions, and surgery in the month of conception plus taking the pill (plus his travel schedule) meant I didn’t plan nor want this.

My point is, I didn’t envisage this. Everything has been expedited and I’m scared AF. A guy friend of mine used to tell me when these things happen they can happen very fast and I never believed him - but he was so right.

Focus on yourself, date, have fun. You’re not too old to meet someone. I am now finding from my BF’s social group that he has many successful friends who are in the same position as you. In their 30’s, wanting to meet someone and absolutely lovely.

I've lived on my own for many years after the usual number of relationships, two of which were longish term live ins. I also couldn't have children. My disability started to get worse about twenty years ago and by a combination of not having the energy to deal with another person in my life and men who want to take on someone with disability being in scant supply, I've been alone since then.

I know some women feel incapable of functioning without being in a relationship and fortunately I was never like that. I came to learn that it's perfectly possible to be complete and live a full and happy life as a single person.

Your circumstances are different, you're young so anything is possible but if I could give you one word of advice it would be to stop dwelling on not being in a relationship, it's dragging you down making you feel depressed and trying to find someone in that frame of mind is going to be really difficult. First, you have to learn to love yourself and enjoy your life as it is now. If you can do that you will exude confidence which will attract people to you.

I wish you all the very best and hope you meet that special someone very soon.

You do what everyone else does in general. You settle.
That’s what most people do. That person you got bored with, who wanted more. Most people your age would have just gone ahead and married them and had kids.
All this “finding the one” is fucking rare.

So you either compromise or decide that that’s not what you want to do, but with that comes it’s own compromise. You might not have a family.

I’m in your boat. And I realise that spending the next 20 + years with someone who is just ok and I’m only with because baby time is running out isn’t for me.

The amount of friends I’ve got that are desperately unhappy. You confessed that even on their wedding day they were a bit 🤷🏻‍♂️ Is quite shocking.

They not you!!

Yes I agree a lot of people compromise because they want to settle down (did it myself.)

I was once single for 12 years and felt like this in some ways. I dated but just couldn't find someone I was interested in a relationship with, it got very disheartening.

At the beginning of 2014 I decided I'd had enough and wasn't going to bother dating and just take up some new hobbies and enjoy life. Later that year I became friendly with someone else in one of the clubs and we got together. We now have a baby (I'm 40).

It was a bit different because I already had children from my first ltr, but my point is just get out there. Maybe take the focus off dating and do new things, you never know what might happen.

I totally understand not wanting to have a baby alone, but if it's something you want maybe look into finding a like minded man to coparent with.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this and I would think that Sundays are probably the worst day to be on your own brooding on what you hoped your life would be at 37 so I can absolutely understand why you feel low. I agree with several PPs that it probably really is a numbers game, OLD can be truly disheartening leaving you feeling even worse than you did before however maybe a different strategy would help? Meet people quickly so not a huge build up over weeks to end up feeling totally let down when you find they are not for you. As I used to say "It was all going great - then I met him!". Do something you would enjoy so not a waste eg a good meal/comedy show/whatever or just a quick drink. Discount anyone who is clearly humourless as they really can leave you feeling "Is this it for me?" when you meet them so best not to get that far.

Be proud of yourself that you didn't settle - having kids is tough and having them with the wrong person would be 100 times worse.

Good luck with finding someone who you want to be with and have a family with - I am not advising you to be happy on your own as I was your age and OLD after a 13 year relationship ended and definitely didn't want to be happy on my own. Maybe update your OLD profile, few new pics, new blurb and go for it! Think it is going to happen for you soon! xx