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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need help

63 replies

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 21:38

My fiancé of 5 years rolled over at night and told me “I am done” this was a week ago and was a shock to me and both of our families, nobody saw it coming. We have kids together, a house, joint accounts, loans etc. She has asked me to leave as I didn’t want to upset her I did but I also asked for a chance to fix whatever I had done, she said I wasn’t trying hard enough and was done, we have had several chats and all I want us to do is get back together but she said she needs space and to be on her own, does this mean their will never be a chance or should I try and give space and see what happens? My kids are begging me to come back and it’s heartbreaking but she has bagged up all clothes opened a sole account and already sorting out benefits and this happened just over a week ago, I feel I just need some help as all family have no idea because it came as such a shock

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/06/2019 21:42

You really didn’t see this coming? No issues discussed in recent weeks/ months that could give an insight into her rationale ?

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 21:52

No i got home had a shower got in to bed starting rubbing her back asked her if she was going to sleep and that’s when it happened, both her family and mine were shocked and so were our friends, she has since said that she started smoking again because of the stress of me not helping out as much as she wanted me to however I had no idea I wasn’t, I could have done more but I was certainly doing things, the night before we had cuddled and watched a film on the sofa before going up to bed and having our usual nice adult time....it has hit me like a train and I have more than likely forced her away more with how I am being

OP posts:

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 21:53

We had an argument last September where it got abit rocky but other than that it has just been the usual couple bickering eg you put the kids to bed, you do the washing up etc

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Frownette · 08/06/2019 21:56

She's obviously been thinking about this for a while - where are you staying right now?

friedbeansandcheese · 08/06/2019 21:57

You admit you could have done more? That probably translates to ‘I realise i’ve Been a lazy git and left my gf to do everything’ - what sort of % of chores and parenting did you do? Talk me through a normal day.

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:01

Yes she said she had been thinking about it but never discussed it with me at any point until telling me it’s done, currently at my mums however that’s only a short term solution

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Thedilemma111 · 08/06/2019 22:02

I would tell her one last time that you want to make this work and ask her what you can do together to resolve things .leave this open ended and an open offer.

If she doesn’t want to talk constructively to try and fix the problems, then stop talking to her . Arrange convenient arrangements for you to see the children and don’t contact her for any other reason .

Let her have some space to think about how she likes living without you .

If she doesn’t try to resolve things with you , now or in the short term , then you need to consider whether she has just decided she doesn’t want to be with you anymore .

Be firm about what you want out of this , DO NOT BEG , DO NOT CHASE HER .

Let her contact YOU when she’s ready .

She’s got children in the picture she needs to be adult and be willing to be constructive to resolve things .

If she doesn’t work constructively with you on this , it means she doesn’t want this resolved .

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:05

In terms of parenting I admit not much, she would sort them in the morning while I went to work and I would come back to an empty house if I finished on time and she would pick them up from the babysitters, however in terms of housework it was a different story, when I got back I would do the stuff that needs to be done and tidy up the mess that was left despite her being at home all day (she only worked a couple of hours in the evening) I would say from a percentage point it would work out very close to 50/50

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Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:10

I have tried that and the message I am getting is I need space, but coming with that is requests for me to go back to our house and sort the kids out and get them in bed however despite her finishing work at about 7 she doesn’t come home till well after 8 so I feel already I am just being used but I need to go along with it, she said at times I made her feel like a single parent however now I am doing everything I possibly can and I am basically at her beck and call for anything and she knows I will do it, I have already begged and already pleaded and now I am at the stage where I am trying not to contact her apart from in relation to the kids but it’s so difficult not to, she just seems to have put all barriers up and it’s so hard to communicate

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Thedilemma111 · 08/06/2019 22:14

Look , stand strong . Be there for the kids . You are going to have to help with the kids but you need to bear in mind she dies look after them all day when ur at work .

I know it’s hard but give her the space .

When you see her , just stick to communication about the kids only , but otherwise stay very short and don’t indulge in conversations with her until she is asking you for one .

Thedilemma111 · 08/06/2019 22:14

Do NOT beg .

PLEASE. !

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:18

Yea I appreciate a lot that she watches the kids during the day, I do that on a weekend when she also works, we had a conversation yesterday and I said I would give her more space but I made it fully clear that I want to sort it out and get us back to who we are and I would do anything to get us to that point, even a couple of days before at a family BBQ she was telling everyone how perfect we are together and how she wants to get married...then it was like a switch was flicked and now we are here I imagine that is why it has hit me so hard, I have been off work with stress and lost a stone in weight over everything

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Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:20

I have stopped the begging...that was where I went early but it had no affect and I can’t do that anymore

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friedbeansandcheese · 08/06/2019 22:24

How old are your dc?

You didn’t do much parenting - how about at weekends? What happened then?

Thedilemma111 · 08/06/2019 22:24

Ok . Try to distract yourself .see your friends . Spend some more time on any hobbies .

Relaxation techniques , gym , anything !

Don’t let this thing consume you in the here and now ( I know it’s hard )
There were times when I didn’t know what I wanted out of my relationship with my OH .
The reasons were different , a lot of background complexities for us , but when I asked for space he always gave it .

We went on to get married and been together a long time .

But the worst thing for me would’ve been if I felt or pressured to make decisions I wasn’t ready to make , it would’ve driven me away .

Look after yourself and use this time to reflect on things ,
But don’t panic , relax and try to wait to see when she’s ready to get things sorted ( if that is what she wants to do (

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:28

On weekends she worked all day Saturday and I would have the kids, I have up playing football on a Sunday so we could have family day and then in the summer I play abit of cricket and her and the kids come to watch, step daughter of 8 and then own kids 3 and 1

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Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 22:31

I am finding distracting myself difficult, I can’t seem to hold my attention to anything except trying to figure out a plan to get her back, I think because it came as such a shock that made it a million times worse, if we had been arguing or falling out it may have been easier, but because I feel this is totally out of proportion to what seemed to be happening it is slowly but surely consuming me,

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friedbeansandcheese · 08/06/2019 22:52

Well, looking at things from her POV, you didn’t do much with the dc all week. You had them Saturday as she was working. Sunday you played cricket... which takes a long fucking time.

when did she have her own time?? What state did you leave the house in on Saturday?

Sounds like she’s been unhappy for a long time. No idea why she didn’t talk to you first - but maybe she did and you brushed her off or didn’t realise?

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 23:04

Admitted she didn’t have much time for herself as such apart from when the kids went to bed, that time would be spent together so maybe that is what she means by having space? Since she finished me she has been spending nearly every night round a friends house, always till late even with the kids, I would tidy up the house as the day went on on a Saturday, it used to be left in a better condition than she would during the week 90% of the time, she told my mum that she dropped me hints but clearly I didn’t understand them, I adore her and when we first met she was on drugs, had £1000’s of debt and working a job she hated, now she is drug free, I helped pay off her old debts so I took them all on and she is working what she describes as her dream job which I encouraged her to get, I feel that kind of stuff would at least afford me a chance to improve to where she wanted me to be

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BlueJag · 08/06/2019 23:09

If I tell my husband that I'm done and ask him to move out he'll say no. This is my house and I'm not leaving my kid.
Go back home she can't just kick you out without an explanation unless she is already with someone else.
Go home don't give up so easily.

Original poster

Robbie316uk · 08/06/2019 23:14

She told me if I didn’t leave she would go and take the kids to her mums and I would have to deal with the house by myself (which I would struggle) I didn’t want to put the kids in that situation hence why I left, of course she has bagged up all my clothes and completely redone our bedroom...I asked if there was anyone else and she says no and I do trust her on that

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smallereveryday · 08/06/2019 23:27

Interesting double standard here. If this were a woman posting there would be gazillion posts saying ... expect the OW to appear any moment..

Just saying...

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2019 23:34

I'd thought that...is there an OM lurking around? Who is this friend she spends every evening with?

Miniloso · 08/06/2019 23:35

I’m sorry to say I would think she might have found someone else too. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear OP.

BlueJag · 08/06/2019 23:48

Let her go to her Mum's. Her Mum will be begging her to go back home after the invasion.
Go home and say I'm not leaving my kids. This is my house too. Something isn't right.
Call her bluff but I think you need a proper explanation.
Also two of the kids are yours. Just say after thinking about it I am not leaving my kids and we need to talk.
You are making it too easy. Fight for your kids.

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