I need help

[Robbie316uk]

My fiancé of 5 years rolled over at night and told me “I am done” this was a week ago and was a shock to me and both of our families, nobody saw it coming. We have kids together, a house, joint accounts, loans etc. She has asked me to leave as I didn’t want to upset her I did but I also asked for a chance to fix whatever I had done, she said I wasn’t trying hard enough and was done, we have had several chats and all I want us to do is get back together but she said she needs space and to be on her own, does this mean their will never be a chance or should I try and give space and see what happens? My kids are begging me to come back and it’s heartbreaking but she has bagged up all clothes opened a sole account and already sorting out benefits and this happened just over a week ago, I feel I just need some help as all family have no idea because it came as such a shock

on "she never said anything" and it was a shock to you

"We had an argument last September where it got abit rocky" which you haven't elaborated on. Your choice but that leaves us to come up our own conclusions

"she told my mum that she dropped me hints"

"I asked her about putting the kids best interests to the forefront and she just said no she needs to do this for herself she is fed up of trying but I don’t know what she means!!!" She's told you, we've told you...but instead of taking that on board and thinking about where you could improve and ways to communicate that to her you're more concerned with being defensive and argumentative and trying to play the victim.

I am not moaning at her contribution at all

Again - your own words betray you

"and tidy up the mess that was left despite her being at home all day (she only worked a couple of hours in the evening)"

"despite her finishing work at about 7 she doesn’t come home till well after 8 so I feel already I am just being used"

"it used to be left in a better condition than she would during the week 90% of the time"

The reason a woman would get "expect there to be an OW" is because most of the time men have it easier in terms of what they're doing in chores, childcare and mental load so they're less likely to have those reasons (their partner not pulling their weight, leaving everything to them, being pestered for sex when they're knackered...) motivating them to leave a relationship.

she will now be a single mother of 3

I mean..... she's practically screaming that she may as well have been already.

You just haven't been listening.

she said I wasn’t trying hard enough and was done

she has since said that she started smoking again because of the stress of me not helping out as much as she wanted me to

she said at times I made her feel like a single parent

Admitted she didn’t have much time for herself as such

she just said no she needs to do this for herself she is fed up of trying

And you even had a big blow out in September but afterwards you seemed to think you were some sort of golden perfect couple.

Mate...... You've been wilfully blind. You haven't even known how unhappy your wife has been. So much for being a great couple. If you were such a great couple, then how come she's acting pretty happy about the breakup?

Now she's gonna get every other weekend CHILDFREE. She may even get nights during the week free. Being a single mum may end up being the one thing that'll finally give her a fucking day off from the kids! No wonder she's happy!

Yes really 50/50 even though I work, this is the point that some people are clearly missing I was doing things around the house, and I used the word helping out as a phrase if you take it literally then I would check the current to what seems to be your 1 remaining brain cell, just because I pointed out what I did I am saying anything about her contribution, she is a fantastic mother, lover and partner and that will never change and I will always believe that!!! I say I could have “helped” out more because that so far is the reason for her leaving so despite my efforts clearly I could have done more

Yes afterwards we went back to a golden couple, 2 days after that argument and we were back happy and doing everything that couples do, I will point out the argument in September was nothing to do with me doing anymore around the house or with the kids it was completely separate issue

Well what was it about?

Cos I guarantee it was one of the nails in the coffin for her. Guarantee it.

I heard somewhere that when a couple break up, it's been coming for over a year at least. Whether one party noticed or not. People just don't decide to dump someone overnight. She's been thinking about this for a looooong time.

Hi op,

From my perspective. I have a one year old and a two year old. I have them all day, every day and then work in the evenings. Dh is also unavailable four weekend days a month. Basically your situation.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I feel taken for granted and like all responsibility is on me.

Yes, dh does stuff around the house. But with these two, there is always constant housework to be done. Him doing the dishwasher (and often telling me I should have done it), really doesn't begin to even cover the amount of stuff I have to do. I will say he is pretty good at doing stuff when he's around. Which you feel you are. But it's just a drop in the ocean.

I'm currently in my pjs on the sofa. My eyes are stinging as I'm so tired. Dh is out again till after bed time.

It's easy for the resentment to kick in. I totally see where she's coming from

It was about the behaviour of our step daughter and how it was affecting everything, our babysitter refused to have her anymore because of how she was being and then she decided to take some of her frustration out on me and her mum, this caused an argument between us on how to handle it

I understand your situation but I would never tell her she should have done this that or the other, maybe it is very similar though and maybe that is the issue that she has built up this resentment, the question now is could we overcome this and get back stronger? I am solely focussed on that happening and that is literally my only goal to sort this out and stay together

For me, it's been about dh allowing me to have meaningful breaks when he is around. He says I do loads and deserve to have a break.

I've currently got the youngest one fussing at me. It's been like it since he got up at 7. Dh, as usual, no where to be seen hes had to go to London for the day. Its emotionally tough. I'm not dressed yet as the youngest is proving too tough today. I want to get dressed and all of us to go out.

Tell her how much you appreciate her. How you appreciate how much she does. Recognise that her life is tough.

Dh gets down time after the boys go to bed. I'm still at work.

I don't have much energy left in me. I'm so drained and down in the dumps about it all. I love my dh but I can totally see why your oh has left you. I'm thinking it's just about being dragged down.

How many women do you know that have the kids in the day and then work evenings? Not many, I bet. That's because it's tiring and unsustainable

I will try that and thank you for your perspective I just hope that I get a chance to show things and show how much I appreciate her because I always did and maybe that did not come out enough

Ok OP, if I were her I’d want you to make a monumental effort now. Write to her and tell her you’ll do these things if you get back together:

You’ll look after the kids at weekends, you’ll no longer go to football or cricket. You’ll be there 24/7 to take over the childcare & cooking/cleaning.

You’ll take over as soon as you get home from work. Do cooking if you are able and clear up.

You’ll organise a lovely weekend away, if you are able to get childcare.

You’ll cherish and appreciate her more.

You’ll never again make her feel bad about the state of the house when you get home. When kids are that young it is impossible to stay on top of things.

Send her some flowers and tell her how much you love her.

Ask her to write a list of things that she needs you to do if you get back together. Emotional things and practical.

Start by asking her if she’d like to go for lunch or dinner to talk and take her somewhere really lovely.

You must not argue about your side of things, just let her talk.

This may work. But when I left my exDH it was sadly too late and I’d already made up my mind.

You may have better luck. I do feel for you, see if these things work.

I do worry if it’s too late I really hope not and I really hope that we can sit down like adults and talk and at least try to sort it, I worry about the impact on the kids and this is something I never wanted and I have already committed to that near enough word for word I have also written a letter although I have not sent it yet, I know the flowers she would want and I was just giving it a few more days of me showing her space before I do that