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Original poster

Keep arguing over his stag do

66 replies

doglover543 · 08/06/2019 20:41

My fiancée and I are getting married in 2 years and recently got engaged. We are discussing stag and hen and he keeps saying about going to Vegas. This infuriated me.

Throughout our 4.5 years he's always said he'd want to go to Berlin. Now he's suddenly said Vegas which most people wouldn't even afford including my brother. Additionally, he has a bit of an issue with gambling which he admits which is why he doesn't do it anymore.
We could no way afford a holiday to Vegas as a simple stag. It's somewhere we said we'd go but when we had enough spending money to do it properly.

Also he said today that more than likely there'll be strippers at his stag. 95% of his friends are married and not a single one had a stripper or anything similar. Just men getting drunk having fun. I'm very clear that this is a red line. It's disrespectful and disgusting especially if he were in a European city unable to know if the girls were a result of trafficking etc.

He also has genuinely not had an interest in strippers/clubs similar. His friends are the same.

I'm getting so angry and upset! Help!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/06/2019 20:48

OP - just let him fantasise about Vegas... if the money if tight for him and his friends - he’ll soon realise it’s not possible...
As to the content of the actual stag - I don’t think you’ll get much input...
The fact he mentioned and discussed it with you is a good sign...
But again - rather than argue - let go and let him make his own decisions...
After all - if he can’t make the right ones about the party before the wedding - what chance do you two have with a marriage...:
Either you trust him or you don’t.
Trying to control his stag isn’t a way to start a life together

FuriousVexation · 08/06/2019 20:49

2 fucking years?!

How about you both agree NOT to have some stupid outdated medieval ritual and just get married instead?

Jesus these elongated piss ups. My H went out with his brother and his nephew for a few pints the weekend before my wedding. That was it. He then got in a fight on his way home and then got lost but hey ho

I would rather have poked my fucking eyes out with barbed wire than gone "Oooh it's my Hen Do!"

When I was younger (old gimmer alert) stag and hen parties where specifically for the about-to-be-married parties to have a last shag outside the impending marriage. Nowadays they seem to be some sort of "OMG s/he shagged someone on the stag/hen and now we can't possibly be married!"

Why not? What's changed? Have our expectations changed? Why?

Caucho · 08/06/2019 20:55

Vegas equals hard drinking, clubs and of course strippers. I went with my stepdad when younger which was shit as didn’t do any of that.

With the boys would be a different story though. Why would I go there on stag do if it didn’t involve that? There’s not a great deal else to do. An yes it’s too much to expect all your mates to fork out that level of money unless you’re all wealthy and the same boat as each other. He doesn’t even seem to be in that boat himself with what you are saying re finances

londongirl101 · 08/06/2019 20:57

This happened to me and guess what he went to VEGAS!!!!

longest 5 days ever haha

Bluebutterfly90 · 08/06/2019 20:58

Given that you've only gotten engaged recently he might just be inflating the fantasy of a stag do, and when he actually goes about planning it he should see that it's not reasonable to go to Vegas. Plus going with a gambling issue isn't a smart idea either.

The strippers thing would be a deal breaker for me, but everyone's mileage varies on that. As long as you're clear about your boundaries and willing to enforce them, there's not much else you can do. Personally I've always said to my partner that would be the end of it for us and I'm willing to back that up.

Hopefully everything settles down for you two.

Caucho · 08/06/2019 21:00

Could be naive and watched too many Hollywood movies as said above and just watch when everyone says no. Doesn’t sound like a good prospect though if he’s delusional! I have a few rich pals who’ve had stags there and sounded awesome but wouldn’t to go somewhere like that having to watch the pennies. You need to go big or go home

LittleFairywren · 08/06/2019 21:02

Id be rethinking the engagement to be honest. I would not marry someone who thought it was ok to ogle strippers.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2019 21:05

I would agree to not have a stag or hen do. They are ridiculous, infantile, and cause more problems than they're worth. Save your money for your honeymoon or your home.

GreenTulips · 08/06/2019 21:09

Why don’t you just get married in Vagas and both go?

Seriously I think he’s winding you up - or you aren’t comparable

DH did Amsterdam - I trusted him enough to be happy he had a good time

darjeelingisrank · 08/06/2019 21:15

Engaged for 2 years and already fighting about the stupid stag and hen do? WTAF? Grow up, the pair of you. Anyone this silly and immature has no business getting married. He's a twat.

SavoyCabbage · 08/06/2019 21:19

There is nothing to talk about if you can’t afford for him to go. Sometimes you would like something, a new sofa or a pair or shoes but you can’t afford it so that’s the end of it.

Don’t marry him if he’s shit with money.

Original poster
doglover543 · 08/06/2019 21:34

No, engaged for a few months - wedding is in 2 years. This is due to other reasons. A nice wedding is important to us and that means saving and having it when suits us so that's unnecessary.

I'd have literally no issue with a stag anywhere in Europe as long as no strippers. This was always what we discussed.
Now he's getting these inflated ideas. He wouldn't plan it, his best man would.

All our friends have had them and they seem fun and I'd definitely want a hen. But just some time with my favourite girls.

My issue is this lack of willingness to ensure there's no strippers and staying in Europe. I'm very clear it's a hard line for me.

We just end up arguing and changing the subject whenever the stag comes up!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/06/2019 21:37

Bit it’s his stag and his choice! What would you say if he dictated your hen and who or who couldn’t go?

If your brother can’t afford it, then that’s not your other half’s fault is it?

All very controlling

Tigger001 · 08/06/2019 21:50

Not a great way to start your road onto married life:-

You dictating where and what he can do on his stag do and him ignoring your feelings on it

Neither sounds great really does it - sorry but that's how I see it.

SurfingGiantess · 08/06/2019 22:24

I get the Vegas thing. It's too expensive and in my eyes it's ridiculous going away for a stag that's meant to be a one night thing not a holiday. But each to their own.
However the stripper... it's frankly not up to you I'm afraid. You may start trusting him. It's not like he's going to cheat with a stripper just cause he sees a naked woman.
What if your friends organise a surprise stripper for you... are you going to close your eyes so you don't see a naked man?
Tell him Vegas is too expensive but that's about all the input you get I'm afraid.
I wouldn't particularly like it if my fiance got a stripper but then again it's his night and if my friends got me one I wouldn't like to say no my fiance won't allow it GrinHmm
So I wouldn't make that decision for him. He's a grown man who I trust completely.

Parker231 · 08/06/2019 22:29

If he can save up for the Vegas trip - all good. It’s up to him where he has his stag do. If you don’t trust him when he’s there, that’s another issue.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/06/2019 22:32

Bit of a gambling problem, ide be running a mile

Windygate · 08/06/2019 22:44

Serious question - why are you marrying a man with gambling issues?

Caucho · 08/06/2019 22:44

I find some of the view on strippers on here a bit melodramatic personally only because they read too much into what is going through the men’s heads. Some of genuine perverts but many others just feel awkward and don’t want to be the one ruin the fun. Last stag I went on I just refused to go and sat on own for half an hour but have been before and whilst enjoying going originally when novel can’t stand the places.

If some people have an extreme zero tolerance position then I just feel that we probably wouldn’t be compatible with that person. There is nothing wrong than drawing your own red lines and sticking to them if you’ve been consistent throughout. Some people think it’s ridiculous to split up with their partner for looking at porn but if that was the deal it’s the deal. It’s unrealistic for most men not but he agreed he was stupid to agree to it in the first place

Jaffacakebeast · 08/06/2019 22:45

You don’t actually sound compatible enough to be gettin married

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 08/06/2019 22:50

I give your marriage three years, tops.

Missingstreetlife · 08/06/2019 22:59

Nah

Moralitym1n1 · 08/06/2019 23:18

Yeah, strippers tends to mean lap dancers - which to me is cheating.

Vegas if you've had/have a gambling problem is fkg idiotic.

Whole thing is also v expensive - interesting where his priorities lie re. your wedding (and life) costs.

MarthasGinYard · 08/06/2019 23:20

Petty shite

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/06/2019 23:25

My issue is this lack of willingness to ensure there's no strippers and staying in Europe. I'm very clear it's a hard line for me.

Why are you marrying someone who doesn't care about your feelings?

You shouldn't need to force them on him. He makes the choice on whether he'd rather have you or strippers on his stag; you make the choice about whether you'll stay with him afterwards.

We're not having stag and hen dos, I think they're pretty awful overall, but if we were I'd leave DP to organise his. I'd trust him not to have strippers. If he did, he'd do it knowing how I feel about them, and he wouldn't be the person I think he is.

Don't start your marriage with you trying to influence and control his decisions, and him rebelling against you. It doesn't bode well.

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