Keep arguing over his stag do

[doglover543]

My fiancée and I are getting married in 2 years and recently got engaged. We are discussing stag and hen and he keeps saying about going to Vegas. This infuriated me.

Throughout our 4.5 years he's always said he'd want to go to Berlin. Now he's suddenly said Vegas which most people wouldn't even afford including my brother. Additionally, he has a bit of an issue with gambling which he admits which is why he doesn't do it anymore.
We could no way afford a holiday to Vegas as a simple stag. It's somewhere we said we'd go but when we had enough spending money to do it properly.

Also he said today that more than likely there'll be strippers at his stag. 95% of his friends are married and not a single one had a stripper or anything similar. Just men getting drunk having fun. I'm very clear that this is a red line. It's disrespectful and disgusting especially if he were in a European city unable to know if the girls were a result of trafficking etc.

He also has genuinely not had an interest in strippers/clubs similar. His friends are the same.

I'm getting so angry and upset! Help!

I give it 3 months after the first child is born.

Minimising gambling and aspirations in Vegas and strippers? What a catch!

I hope the scales fall from your eyes before then.

It's not unusual for the stag/hen's flight and accommodation costs to be covered by the attendees but they're unlikely to be chipping in for all his spending money too, surely.

He could also win though
This is madness. Please don't entertain this as a mitigant.

I don't have an issue with gambling IF he were to stay away from Vegas.
This is also madness. For most addicts that means nothing at all, because they don't know when to stop.

Why don't you:
If you both want a stag/hen then why don't you agree a budget for each of you for stag/hen as part of your wedding budget, especially if money is the reason you're waiting 2 years.

Discuss any behavioural red lines before you commit (and given you're engaged, now would be a good time).

If you can't manage both of those things then you should think HARD about getting married.

Can you ask the man who will be his best man for his thoughts about the change of plan? He might say 'no way can any of us afford that' which would solve one of your problems.

@FuriousVexation
When I was younger (old gimmer alert) stag and hen parties where specifically for the about-to-be-married parties to have a last shag outside the impending marriage. Nowadays they seem to be some sort of "OMG s/he shagged someone on the stag/hen and now we can't possibly be married!"

WTF? Last shag? How old are you? Did you get married in medieval times?

You’re infuriated about something that may or may not happen in 2 years time?

It’s an idea. Are you always this controlling?

Why not focus on the wedding? If he wants Vegas, he’ll have to make it happen and I really don’t see how it’s going to impact you in the long term if he does go.

I find some of the view on strippers on here a bit melodramatic personally only because they read too much into what is going through the men’s heads.

Some posters on here have been 'lucky' enough to see texts etc from their partners to their mates outlining what was going through their heads when they had their private dances (at least two posters on here recently had that delightful experience) which they always seem to end up having in private booths, in limos etc. and which are essentially nude lap grinding sessions.
That's why posters can be "melodramatic" about strippers (replace that with lap dancers).

"Are you always this controlling?"

So now it's controlling to be uncomfortable with your partner in life going to a gambling and sex destination when he has form for gambling and where lap dancing and prostitution is pretty much obligatory.

Why not focus on the wedding?

Why not focus on the husband to be - his choices, morals, integrity, perspective, character ... Or would that be too sensible when planning to bind yourself to someone for life and have a family with them?

Well you’ve got two years to sort it out, either by coming round to the idea or calling it all off.

If it were me, I would say that solely on the past gambling issues that I am 100% unhappy with it. Strippers, meh, whatever.

Tell him you are already taking a risk marrying someone with a history of gambling addiction and that is why you are so concerned.

It would be a deal breaker for me on the gambling issues alone.

Morality over invest much?

This wedding is will definitely be ending in divorce. If you can agree over a stag how the chuff are you going to negotiate the actually important stuff?

It's not controlling. It's setting your own boundaries. I wouldn't be comfortable with this although some people might be. If that's the type of person he wants to be than I would say he's not on the same page as me nd maybe marriage is a bad idea.

I also wouldn't marry a man with gambling issues. You will rue the day.

Seriously?!?!? Of course a guy wouldn't mind seeing another girl naked before he commits to 1 girl for life. Same for girls. If you want to see a hot guy's snake once in a while its natural and not a sin.

Marriage is a commitment to stay true amd faithful to one another and temptation (ads, mags, online porn, strippers) are always in sight and on tap and amy indulgence is natural. Going beyond viewing is not OK but if that doesn't haopen then what's the matter?

I think strippers are different for men than they are for women.

For men they get genuinely turned on and fantasise about having sex with her and it's probably something to store in the wank bank.

For women, male strippers tend to just make them cover their faces and laugh, they're not turned on.

For me I think the equivalent of man getting a lapdance on his stag night is a woman on her hen night giving a man a lap dance herself, someone that she fancies and gets her a bit worked up!! or like flirty dancing, grinding, almost kissing, getting to experience that kind of tension with some guy! and I can bet that not that many stags would be happy for their brides to be to be doing that!!