Can you split up without the need for solicitors?

[Bumblepants]

My situation- been together a long time 20 yrs. married and two children 6 & 9. Both work, fairly good pay. Mortgage on the house with around £80k in equity if sold. Both have pensions. I have around £6k savings. Both have small cc debt. Not actually broached the subject with him yet but i think he senses its coming. Not been happy for a long time, no sex etc, ive detached. Dont do anything together. Live in the same house as friends.

Ideally, id like to stay in the house until youngest is at high school so four years. This is down to schooling, kids friends and general upset for them. I already do the sorting kids out etc so id like to carry on having main responsibility for the kids and EXH to have them some of the time. I work part time and school hours so this would still work well. EXH could initially move in with his parents who live very close by and away a lot (retired/away on holidays). Id hope we can stay on friendly terms and get on for the sake of the kids. Id be happy to split it all 50:50 and receive some CM for kids.

Apart from divorce, IF we can compromise on the other stuff, would we need to involve a solicitor or am i being naive? 😒

Sorry for the massive rambling post....Is it possible to complete the paperwork and divorce yourselves?

Well yes it can be done without solicitors.
But it is probably unrealistic to assume your ex will live with his parents for any length of time. He will want his own place and for that he will need some of the equity. That is where the bone of contention could be. Divorce impacts on family finances and maintaining the previous standard of living is usually untenable unless you are very wealthy and conversely very poor.

Hi, my husband and I didn't use a solicitor, we were married 16 years, he is the one that walked away. We agreed I'd stay in the house until our youngest leaves school (6 years time).

Ours was a very amicable split and we've remained friends amazingly! We just went online after the 2 years and divorced, simple as that! (it was not 'simple.emotionally at the time, so although I sound flippant we both went through the mill). We trust each other implicitly not to screw each other over and we never have, we've been separated 5 years now and divorced for 3. It can be done but only if you trust him not to cause you any problems.

Yes! It’s often so much cheaper and more amicable ! Go for it

What I would say is that it has obviously left us very tight for money. We live in a university town renowned for being ridiculously expensive, so for me to keep the house in a village where the kids go to school meant he had to move back in with his mum. He lasted 6 months before moving in with someone else, and between the mortgage and his rent we are barely staying afloat. We are managing though and it's served the kids well as their lives weren't disrupted school wise at all

I'm in a similar position and have wondered the same. The only thoughts I'd add in that I've considered (but I need to break the finances down to see if it would be feasible for me) is that I'd consider telling him he doesn't have to pay maintenance to offset his rent costs whilst I get my finances in better order (fortunately I can do overtime at work) so I might be in a position to remortgage to buy him out. I'd still hope he'd pay half of out of school stuff, childcare etc but nothing to be me directly. It's possibly very naive and those who've been through it may say as much, but I'm just trying to think of the best way out for us both financially. Ultimately we started as a team, built our assets as a team and just because our end goal has changed I wouldn't like to see either one of us or the DC's feeling short-changed. As I say, might be v short sighted but is it something you could consider if he is unwilling to settle for what you offer initially?

Running 2 households is more expensive than one
You say, you want to remain friends
In that case, why don't you both stay where you are & try to improve communication & do things together or as a family

Why should he go & live with his parents, you assume too much !

He should be able to afford his own place, plus space for the children
Could you parent 50/50 ?

Suggest you look into finances first

Thanks for your replies. If my parents were still alive id move there with the kids but i literally have no where to go unless i private rent. We are very close to his parents and see each other nearly every other weekend when they are back from holidays.

Ive looked around and there are a couple of places that are affordable to rent but i think its in the kids best interests to stay in the house in the area for school and friends. Sorry i know i must sound a cow presuming he will move back to his parents but its not that far away tbh so he can pop round when he likes, even on his way home after work. I just think that would be a good first step. Hed still have equity in the house that continues to build over those four years. He doesnt do anything to help with the kids usually (getting ready for school/bedtimes etc) as he leaves early 7am and gets back at 630pm. Another reason for me to keep them as i work school hours.

Id like to think it could be amicable following the initial upset but perhaps ive got my rose tinted specs on. Financially we have always kept money separate. Always both been employed. I think it could work as a 50:50 split of assets but the person with the kids gets CM payments to support the kids extra expenses.

So can you afford the mortgage and bills on your own?
Do you really thing he will happy to move out and leave you in the house?
Do you know what his pension is compared to yours?

Yes it can be done without involving solicitors but you are being rather presumptious. If I was told I was moving in my parents and you had it all planned out for me I really wouldn't be very happy and probably would run to a solicitor. So just pretend that he's told you that you're moving out and you can go and live with your parents. Doesn't feel so good now does it? If you're going to remain friends then you need to work on the arrangements together.

Yes you are looking with rose tinted glasses
You haven't answered why you are not interested in working on your marriage ?
2 households will be more stress than one physically, emotionally, financially
What happens if he moves miles away
I can't see many people eager to move back to their parents !

You’ve got it all worked out.
Imagine him saying this to you what would you say.
Can’t just tell him to move out and see the kids eow and carry on living in the house with no change to you.
Why can’t you both stay in the house and if you can’t make this work both wait until children are more settled.

I recently had a very amicable divorce. I got a solicitor for some basic advice on how to go about the paperwork. I had 3 meetings total and he prepared the filing for divorce and the financial order paperwork. Hubby and I came to an agreement together on reasonable and that was what we got. I passed on the information about process. He didn’t bother with a solicitor. It took less than 6 months from him leaving to Decree Absolute and cost me 1.4k in fees. Neither of us went to court. We didn’t do a child contact order as we are more than capable of agreeing that and I haven’t asked for maintenance. I earn more than him and would rather he spent the money on fun with our DD.

Amicable, quick and cheap divorces are possible when both parties are the the same place re the divorce being the best way to go.
Despite how you described your marriage and living separate lives - your H may not see it this way. Or may hope things would eventually get better.
So - only way to find out how it may go is to start a conversation about it. See where his head is.
Then you will know what is possible.

I very much doubt that your husband 'senses' that he is going to get kicked out, go back to living with his parents, pay half the mortgage until you pay it all, pay CM, and somehow fund a new place for him and then the kids to stay 50/50 after the divorce.
I see you have it all worked out, but I will be astonished if he sees it the same way.

Try talking to him before you reveal The Plan.

Well it certainly is possible to divorce amicably but I do think you sound a little naive in just thinking he’ll move back to his parents while you stay in a house he’s paying for etc. It’s not really allowing either of you to move on.

You mention initially he could move in with his parents-how long do you envisage him being At his parents because 4 years just won’t work imo. You seem to face it all planned that you keep the children, you remain in the house, you work part time and he contributes to the household as if he was living there.

I think you’re probably in for a surprise

And

What proof does he have that you will sell the house in six years time, and have a 50/50 split of the equity. What will happen in reality, is you will get the house, and he will be sleeping rough until he is released from the mortgage. You have nothing to worry about really, just choose the best solicitor in town.

Maybe like me @notodontidae she will stick to her word, some of us are decent and have morals! My ex luckily also has some and didn't want to uproot the kids causing us to have to move out of the county just because he didnt want to stay with me! It's worked well and last time I checked he wasn't living rough just yet!

I think both parties need to be "savvy" enough to be able to see the bigger picture, i.e. bear in mind future pensions, savings, investments, life/critical injury insurance, etc. And also realistic enough to understand the costs of separation in terms of housing and living costs, etc. Like anything else (taxes, pensions, etc), if you're savvy and capable of doing some proper reading/research, you can do most things yourself. If your marriage has been "equal" in terms of understanding, control issues, etc., then you're probably in a good place to do it without a solicitor.

Troubles occur when one party has (by personal choice or a "strong" partner) not really been engaged with the financial side of things, i.e. don't know what savings/investments they have, not know/understand pensions/life insurance, etc. Then, that person really needs someone on their side, such as a solicitor, to ensure they're not being taken for a mug.

Live in the same house as friends.

Unless one of you wants to "move on" with a new partner etc., then perhaps best just to stay living together for another few years until a more suitable time to separate? Presumably there's no abuse, arguments, physical risk etc., so if you've been together 20 years and have children together, would waiting another, say, 4 years really be such a biggie? It gives you both time to properly plan your split, sort our finances, sell your house, and for you both to find somewhere else to live. Sorry, but expecting your OH to live with his parents for 4 years but still paying for you to live in the house, when he's not actually done anything wrong isn't reasonable.

I agree with @kazzyhoward. What you're suggesting sounds great for you - stay in the same house, he pays half the mortgage still (?), you see the DC every day and he pays CM... but completely shit for him who is turfed out to live in his parents' spare room whilst continuing to pay for the house! I get what you're saying about schools, but this is not a fair proposal.

Do you both work the same amount of hours in similar jobs with the same career prospects and pension ? Ha he you both taken the same amount of family leave ? Have you always shared childcare and housework 50;50?

If not then your earning potential isn’t the same and a 50;50 split of assets might not work for you .

Well, I'd advise him to get a solicitor, doesn't sound like that would be amicable or fair at all.

If you want amicable, you need to decide together through respect and friendship/loyalty/the DC's/love you once had and life you built.

In what world him 'living with parents and popping in' to HIS OWN HOME seem fair

OP you should try counselling to see what he thinks about the state of your marriage before even attempting to split. I know a few couples now where counselling signaled clearly to both parties that their relationships were over.

If I was him I would also run to a solicitor if you presented your plan to me. You cannot tell another adult how to live their life and that they must pay for yours as that is controlling behaviour.

I don’t think your suggestion is too bad - in fact this is how I’d like to see things work in my future situation. Could you afford to buy a second property together for him to live in when you are looking after the kids, and for you to stay when he is looking after them? Keep both properties joint names and sell both once the kids are older and self sufficient?