After 11 years, this isn't getting better

[TheBlueFairyMary]

Met a man 11 years ago who has 4 kids. He saw them a third of the time when we met. He was a typical "Disney" Dad and was really scared of losing them I moved in with him 2 years later. The reality has been though that we have had them most of the time from when I moved in and I have become a full time step Mum to 3 of them. I have found it really, really difficult, been for counselling, tried every sort of meditation and yoga and technique to deal with the stress and anxiety my home life has caused me.

People kept telling me that the kids would grow up and I just had to be patient and that my time with DP would come.

The kids are now 23, 21, 19 and 16 and DP and I rarely get alone time unless we go out. The 23 year old is married and pregnant and her and her husband still come 3 weekends out of 4 and stay all weekend including overnight. The 21 year old went to university but came home every weekend Thursday to Monday and and every single holiday and is now home full time. The 19 year old lived with Mum and we do only see him occasionally and the 16 year old is with us 3 days out of 7 including all weekend.

Their Mum lives a free and easy life that we help fund, she doesn't work and I do, as does my partner. I want to work and enjoy it but I resent then spending all of my free time with these "children" who won't leave my partners or my side. I have considered not working and having less money to live on just to try and get some time to myself but that isn't really what I want and I suspect it wouldn't really work anyway as they would still be by my side most of the time. I am kind and welcoming to them but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. My partner insists on doing everything for them and he spends all weekend, washing up cooking and cleaning when they are here. They all tell me how much they love being at ours and much prefer it to their own homes (which DP and I have helped pay for).

If I post this on the step parenting boards I will be slated for being "nasty" to the kids and I knew what I was getting when I moved in with a man with 4 kids, but I didn't!

I'm an introvert and just want to spend some quiet time in my own home by myself and with my partner. I have some things I want to discuss with my partner but feel I have to make an appointment with him to do so or I end up texting him from work to try and discuss things because I know I can't at home.

I have discussed my feelings with him in the recent past and his answer is for us to go out more and leave them in our house, but I find this unsettling particularly as they go through all my cupboards and drawers and help themselves to my clothes, toiletries etc. I have told them not to and they keep on and on at me about why I have a problem with this. I have also asked them not to wake me up by getting up early or staying up late and they question me on this too. I think they really struggle to understand that this is my home and my only home at that, whereas they have two homes!

My partner says he understands my feelings, but ultimately he must be quite happy with the situation as he makes no effort to change it.

I don't think he is wrong to want to be with his kids, but I don't think I am wrong to want some time without them.

I have no idea what to do apart from leave which feels like such a big step and defeatist.

My friend married a father of 4

In their house she has a locked en-suite bedroom and her own sitting room.
When the kids are around she can opt in or out of the crazy. She didn’t ask for permission to do this it was something she did for herself day one.
They have a cleaner/ housekeeper that comes Fri, she makes two one pot meals and changes the sheets on guest beds.

Could you take the space you need?
Use the very busy weekends to visit cousins.

You are not going to get enough reward for your efforts but that’s parenting.
Your step children must be damaged by their useless parents and the will probably always feel owed.

You could stay and switch off a bit or draw a line and go. It’s an impossible situation, I hope you find clarity soon x

Goddess at Home.

Or Skivvy at Home.

That is the question.

Skivvy is not the same as home-maker, by the way. A Home-Maker is and can be a sort of Goddess. Its a shame it has American "fusty" connotations.

But there is a question of control and respect.

A skivvy has no control and no respect ...

re. your "DP". He's all puzzled and naieve isn't he? Is he though? He may be "puzzled and naive" around his children's intentions. But is he really that naive about yours? I think it would be a strangely naive or 'outrageous taker' who started a relationship with a woman who had to put up and shut up with his kids coming and going, with no say and no stake in the family. He did tell you at one point if you didn't like the heat to get out of the kitchen i.e. he would not want to have a relationship with you with any restrictions re. his children visiting. Why did you not take him at his word, first time?

sorry that sounded a bit accusatory!

I'm glad you're exploring options, which is what you've since added BlueDaisy.

Thats the main thing.

Good for you, OP. There’s a massive sunk cost fallacy here. Grieve what your relationship ‘could’ have been (respectful, healthy partnership) and start prioritising you now. I am so pleased you are taking steps now. Sounds like you’ve got good friends, too. I think you’ll be fine

If you can afford to rent or buy your own place do so. My dh is v similar.

I said it was fine if he wanted them all round for Sunday tea but he could shop and cook and tidy up after 10 people.

I’d go out with friends while he had them all round. I took up a class on Saturday morning so he had to deal with them on his own.

I seriously started looking for a place to rent that was the point he got it. He needed to know they would still love him even if he put boundaries in place and he did and they do.

I think what is hard to understand is that it's not really about the practicalities.

In my case, I have a cleaner and have done since I moved in. And my DP is very good at clearing up after them all weekend.

But it's the emotional side.

I can sit in my bedroom or go out (and I do both) but really that only confirms to me and them that I have no say in my own home.

If I stay home and try to take control and insist on manners and respect in my own home, I am criticised, questioned and ganged up on for daring to assert myself.

This isn't what I want for the rest of my life.

OP, depending on the rent you get for your house, would it be possible to leave your tenants in situ and find yourself a lovely flat to rent and pocket the difference to help with finances?

Just a thought.