After 11 years, this isn't getting better

[TheBlueFairyMary]

Met a man 11 years ago who has 4 kids. He saw them a third of the time when we met. He was a typical "Disney" Dad and was really scared of losing them I moved in with him 2 years later. The reality has been though that we have had them most of the time from when I moved in and I have become a full time step Mum to 3 of them. I have found it really, really difficult, been for counselling, tried every sort of meditation and yoga and technique to deal with the stress and anxiety my home life has caused me.

People kept telling me that the kids would grow up and I just had to be patient and that my time with DP would come.

The kids are now 23, 21, 19 and 16 and DP and I rarely get alone time unless we go out. The 23 year old is married and pregnant and her and her husband still come 3 weekends out of 4 and stay all weekend including overnight. The 21 year old went to university but came home every weekend Thursday to Monday and and every single holiday and is now home full time. The 19 year old lived with Mum and we do only see him occasionally and the 16 year old is with us 3 days out of 7 including all weekend.

Their Mum lives a free and easy life that we help fund, she doesn't work and I do, as does my partner. I want to work and enjoy it but I resent then spending all of my free time with these "children" who won't leave my partners or my side. I have considered not working and having less money to live on just to try and get some time to myself but that isn't really what I want and I suspect it wouldn't really work anyway as they would still be by my side most of the time. I am kind and welcoming to them but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. My partner insists on doing everything for them and he spends all weekend, washing up cooking and cleaning when they are here. They all tell me how much they love being at ours and much prefer it to their own homes (which DP and I have helped pay for).

If I post this on the step parenting boards I will be slated for being "nasty" to the kids and I knew what I was getting when I moved in with a man with 4 kids, but I didn't!

I'm an introvert and just want to spend some quiet time in my own home by myself and with my partner. I have some things I want to discuss with my partner but feel I have to make an appointment with him to do so or I end up texting him from work to try and discuss things because I know I can't at home.

I have discussed my feelings with him in the recent past and his answer is for us to go out more and leave them in our house, but I find this unsettling particularly as they go through all my cupboards and drawers and help themselves to my clothes, toiletries etc. I have told them not to and they keep on and on at me about why I have a problem with this. I have also asked them not to wake me up by getting up early or staying up late and they question me on this too. I think they really struggle to understand that this is my home and my only home at that, whereas they have two homes!

My partner says he understands my feelings, but ultimately he must be quite happy with the situation as he makes no effort to change it.

I don't think he is wrong to want to be with his kids, but I don't think I am wrong to want some time without them.

I have no idea what to do apart from leave which feels like such a big step and defeatist.

It sounds a very puzzling situation to me.

Is it your home? His? Joint-owned? Or what?

You don't mention the finances.

But this is v relevant.

Who is paying?

Will you be worse off after 11 years?

It's a house that comes with his job. We moved into it about 6 years ago.

I have my own house - currently tenanted. I also have other assets of my own. I am more asset rich than him.

Yes, I'll be worse off income wise mainly because I've been working part time to keep our home functioning. He earns much more than I do.

They probably see it as "his" house because it came with the job, i.e. not yours. Possibly you unconsciously see it that way too? And even your DP?

Thats one explanation I see for them all trampling on your privacy and ignoring you, and for you putting up with it?

If you like living the Brady-bunch lifestyle it might be OK, but sounds like you want something less hectic. So, I guess both you and your partner have to make some decisions.

If you lived in your own home, you could see your DP when you wanted, without a whole load of other people hassling you and waking you up, going through your things etc? But then you'd lose your rental from the tenancy.

So it depends on really how you want to live ....

so you sacrificed career/earnings to bring up his kids and yet he still refuses to let you have any kind of rights in the home?!

My reasons for working part time were partly to make my life easier in a practical way. Long commute, house full of people to look after was affecting my mental health. Partly to try and feel a sense of belonging as when I was out of the house for so long and they were at home all day (Dp works locally), I felt even more of the odd man out.

It's not all bad though. I have spent the last two years studying and improving my job prospects for when I pick up again.

The children were hospitalized for malnourishment?!? I don't think I could stay with someone that lazy and selfish. His behavior is doing the kids no favors, it's just an easier life for him. Same with how he treats you. Please find some self respect and leave. None of them care about you, just what you can provide.

Horrendous - how awful.

I think you need to leave and go back into your own house. Work more hours if you need to.
Renegotiate the relationship if both of you want it - I don't see what you get out of it.

My only suggestion would be to not live with your partner, have separate homes and have him visit you/stay at yours.

I don’t blame you for hating the situation but you should have put your foot down much earlier. You either need to split up or live in separate homes. Either that or only allow the kids to stay at yours when you want them to but I doubt you’ll do that.

Oh and he's made it very clear that if we live apart, (when I have suggested it in the past) we are no longer in a relationship

That wouldn't be such a bad thing OP. You only have one life. Live it the way you want, not at the mercy of others.

Wait til the GC come. You're just going to be free childcare then. Seriously, run for the hills.

Why are you cooking for them all when they stay over?

I don't cook for them. They use our house as a base to visit other people. They help themselves to breakfast and lunch though.

Oh and he's made it very clear that if we live apart, (when I have suggested it in the past) we are no longer in a relationship

Well it’s his fault you’d be living apart. Tell him you either go back to the original agreement for how often you have the kids or that you have no choice but to live separately.

They help themselves to breakfast and lunch though

You do seem to be kind of bitter towards his kids when this is 100% his Dads fault. You can’t blame them for treating it as their second home as that’s what their Dad has basically allowed to happen.

OP you are in so much better a position than most women who come on here with DP problems - you own your own home where neither of you live so you can move out immediately and there will be no legal consequences. If I were you that is what I would do.

He is using you as free childcare and has done for 11 years - I honestly do not know why women do this, he doesn't even seem to have any redeeming qualities to excuse this.

And for him to blackmail you that if you move out it is over - well do you really want to look back on your deathbed and see that all you ever were all your life was a housekeeper for some ungrateful family?

You need to move out. He can woo you if he wants but do not ever move back in - you need to have your own space. Date him or don't date him, but do not live with him.

BTW there are loads of lovely men out there, you can find someone who will repect you and your boundaries. It is just not this man.

You sound like a really lovely person.

I don't think your partner is as nice as you think he is. He knows very well you have no family - that is why that threat was made.

You are useful to him. Why else would he FIRE you if you left? Because you are the live in housekeeper.

It is the hardest thing OP to let go of sunk costs. It is very, very painful to accept you aren't actually valued. But have the courage to let go.

There are nice men out there. You don't have to be treated like this. Also, if you left, he wouldn't find a -mug- replacement that easily, he might come round and be open to negotiation.

You won't find out if you don't take the risk. Good luck.

You know something, this reminds me of a parish priest I knew who lived with his housekeeper. She was with him for fifty plus years. When he retired she lived with him in his house and looked after him. She was always on an absolute pittance. When he died he left the house and assets to his elderly brother whom he rarely saw.

He doesn't see you as having any rights, OP. He thinks it's not your home. It belongs to him and his kids. You are tolerated and can't have a viewpoint.

I was so happy and relieved when you said you have your own home. I would get out of there as fast as I could and start again. Honestly, you will feel like you're on holiday when you live without him.

It speaks volumes that you haven't had a moment alone with him since you started this thread.

It's clear you know what you want. Good for you. And good for you for being prepared to do something about it. Best of luck.

@HollowTalk
Great analogy and bang on.

The OP sounds like a really lovely woman.

He sounds like a selfish, weak twat.

Can you imagine how peaceful an oasis of calm your own home will be after that mad house.

Pack your bags and don't look back😚

It does sound like you're a housekeeper not an equal respected partner OP. You deserve better than this x

Ok. I have an update.

It took me ages to pluck up the courage to talk to him and find the right time. When I confront him, he invariably tells me I'm wrong and he's right and I have been emotionally beaten down many times.

I took the approach of asking him where he sees the future in our home with regards to his kids.

He's told me he doesn't understand why they all come so often and he doesn't understand why they don't want to be more independent. He's also told me he doesn't want to make them unwelcome by ever telling them they can't come to ours unless we are going out. He says he "hopes" they will stop coming so much. He did acknowledge that it's my home too but no suggestion of any compromise or any way I could get what I need in my home.

I explained that I need time alone without his kids in my own home. I need to feel I have control over my own home, that I have choices. I also explained what we are allowing now is setting a precedent for all the children.

He said he didn't know what the answer is but he's not prepared to tell his kids to give us / me space.

I have my answer. It's what I expected. I can either now give notice on my house to my tenants or stay and "hope" things get better (which I know they probably won't).

His son in law walked into my house this weekend and sighed "home, sweet home" It's 6 weekends in a row they've asked to stay with us. They haven't lifted a finger.

I think I need a counsellor to help me leave.

I used to be able to stand by my values and opinions. I feel so weak and pathetic

I talked with a friend this weekend and told her I'm scared he'll find someone more tolerant than me. She told me that all he'd find an even more "personality-les sap". Harsh but probably true.

If you need counselling to move on, do it. I’m angry on your behalf op. Going through your stuff and taking it is stealing... endorsed by your dh. The whole thing is so disrespectful. Good luck

Well done OP.
Now you know.
No way to exist.
6 weeks in a row. 🙄
You are their skivvy.
You deserve more than this.
You will be happier too.
Get the support you need.
He's using you as a skivvy.
You do not count.
Your feelings don't count.
Your needs don't count.

You deserve to have someone put you first.
Do that for yourself.

Get the support you need.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry that he's been so dismissive of you OP. But now you have you answer. You can move on. You deserve so much better. Get that counseling started and begin to get everything in order so you can leave. You can do this!

Thank you for the replies.

I have made the initial steps to get the counselling and am investigating how to get my tenants out.

Good for you OP.
It's not easy.
But you are not happy the way things are.
And things are not going to change.

Your life is going to get better if YOU put YOU first.
👍