After 11 years, this isn't getting better

[TheBlueFairyMary]

Met a man 11 years ago who has 4 kids. He saw them a third of the time when we met. He was a typical "Disney" Dad and was really scared of losing them I moved in with him 2 years later. The reality has been though that we have had them most of the time from when I moved in and I have become a full time step Mum to 3 of them. I have found it really, really difficult, been for counselling, tried every sort of meditation and yoga and technique to deal with the stress and anxiety my home life has caused me.

People kept telling me that the kids would grow up and I just had to be patient and that my time with DP would come.

The kids are now 23, 21, 19 and 16 and DP and I rarely get alone time unless we go out. The 23 year old is married and pregnant and her and her husband still come 3 weekends out of 4 and stay all weekend including overnight. The 21 year old went to university but came home every weekend Thursday to Monday and and every single holiday and is now home full time. The 19 year old lived with Mum and we do only see him occasionally and the 16 year old is with us 3 days out of 7 including all weekend.

Their Mum lives a free and easy life that we help fund, she doesn't work and I do, as does my partner. I want to work and enjoy it but I resent then spending all of my free time with these "children" who won't leave my partners or my side. I have considered not working and having less money to live on just to try and get some time to myself but that isn't really what I want and I suspect it wouldn't really work anyway as they would still be by my side most of the time. I am kind and welcoming to them but I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. My partner insists on doing everything for them and he spends all weekend, washing up cooking and cleaning when they are here. They all tell me how much they love being at ours and much prefer it to their own homes (which DP and I have helped pay for).

If I post this on the step parenting boards I will be slated for being "nasty" to the kids and I knew what I was getting when I moved in with a man with 4 kids, but I didn't!

I'm an introvert and just want to spend some quiet time in my own home by myself and with my partner. I have some things I want to discuss with my partner but feel I have to make an appointment with him to do so or I end up texting him from work to try and discuss things because I know I can't at home.

I have discussed my feelings with him in the recent past and his answer is for us to go out more and leave them in our house, but I find this unsettling particularly as they go through all my cupboards and drawers and help themselves to my clothes, toiletries etc. I have told them not to and they keep on and on at me about why I have a problem with this. I have also asked them not to wake me up by getting up early or staying up late and they question me on this too. I think they really struggle to understand that this is my home and my only home at that, whereas they have two homes!

My partner says he understands my feelings, but ultimately he must be quite happy with the situation as he makes no effort to change it.

I don't think he is wrong to want to be with his kids, but I don't think I am wrong to want some time without them.

I have no idea what to do apart from leave which feels like such a big step and defeatist.

You need to watch mum on iPlayer
It’s just your situation. Funny but tragic too.
Make Dp watch it with you.

I was aghast when I found out my friend still allows her 27 and 23 year old to traipse into her bedroom at 5-30 am and 6 am to use her en-suite shower because they don’t like the one in the bath in the family bathroom

And she wonders why she’s tired
It’s called firm boundaries.

I’ve always had a lock on my bedroom door and whenever I went out that door was locked
You must do the same

I think you should get a place yourself and havehim visit you there. Tell him you like space and aren’t getting it and to be frank you find it knackering. It’s all a bit ‘east enders’ for you this constant traipsing of family in/out, and it’s not for you. It will resolve in 1 of 2 ways, hexwill either day ‘ok’, or he will mysteriously grow a back bone. It’s exceptionally ‘entitled’ on the part of these young adults too to expect you are permanently on call as hospitality/housekeepers just because you have more room/nicer house etc

@TheBlueFairyMary

I don't like giving to much away but let's just say I'm a step parent and things for me have reached the same situation. I've had to kick one of my partners children out of the house. He is welcome here but only if he behaves. I've been a step parent for 13 years and it's the first time I've had to do this, but I did it. It was either my mental health or he goes to stay with his dad fir a bit. That's all you need, a bit of space.

You either except being cook, cleaner and chief bottle washer or U make changes to your situation.

Honestly I don't see you changing the dynamic of your partner's family.

It suits them all too much.

You are a complete plank to spend your sunday cooking a roast for 10 ungrateful whomever's. Wtf!

Move out.
Create you own space.
Enjoy your life.

Let him clean up after his children.

I have watched "Mum" on the BBC and it funnily enough thought it was brilliant and kept raving about Cathy getting her "time" to shine. I started watching it with DP but he said it was a a load of rubbish and refused to watch it. Says something huh?

I don't actually cook the roast dinner - someone up thread suggested it as a way of compromise and it was me saying that if I did that it would be an all day thing, not 2 hours as was suggested!

I would actually love to INVITE them over for dinner but I never get a chance because they are always just rocking up and staying. Often because another member of the family invites them for dinner and they just use our house as the wraparound hotel service.

Boyfriends of the ones who live with us come and go. My DSD's and DP look at me with disdain when I try to pin them down on their plans which have such an impact on me. "Who am I cooking for this evening, who am I spending the evening with on my sofa?" I'd just like to know. DP wants to know where I am all the time but I never seem to be able to find out who is in my home and when.

DP does do most of the clearing up after them and never complains, but it's not so much the practical side of things that offends me but it's that they feel they can just help themselves to my time and space. The answer isn't that I have a house full constantly but everyone clears up themselves, the answer is that I have a choice when I have a house full (with the exception of the ones who don't have another home to go to). That is what I would like, just sometimes.

I suspect I am just always the last to be considered, they naturally defer to their Dad and he just doesn't communicate anything to me or doesn't seem to mind when they just do what they want. I know the problem rests with him and to an extent, me, being too nice. But I also know I am going to get a lot of resistance from everyone if I try and implement any sort of change.

Doesn't sound like he has much regard for your opinions OP, you may realise when the kids are older that it's not actually them that is the problem but your husband's lack of concern for your needs. Is leaving him something you've thought about, or living separately?
At the same time, they are still fairly young and getting involved with someone with 4 kids is a huge commitment, they will see it as dad's house etc. They sound close to each other which isn't a bad thing, but going through your stuff is totally not on.

They and your OH are making it clear via their actions that this is their house and you're just living in it.
It's their home and not yours.
That's why they behave the way they do.

You've spent almost a decade with this man and he won't even give you the basic of respect and authority in what is supposed to be your home too.
You've had your reasons for putting up with it this far but you wouldn't have been 'selfish' for leaving back then - and it still isn't selfish to make your needs and feelings just as important as theirs.

None of them will change.
Don't waste even more of your life putting up with this shit.

"They and your OH are making it clear via their actions that this is their house and you're just living in it.
It's their home and not yours."

This is exactly how it feels.

I have spent 9 years in two homes trying and trying to be a "family" and they have made it clear that I am not part of that.

I don't blame the kids, ultimately their role model (their Dad) has allowed this.

I think I need to try and come to terms that I may need to leave to get what I deserve which is a calm and healthy home life.

When I think about that I can't help but feel worried that someone else will come in take my place and be welcomed in a way I haven't been and so I try a bit harder to be upset again and again. I think that shows how low my self esteem is doesn't it?

Oh and he's made it very clear that if we live apart, (when I have suggested it in the past) we are no longer in a relationship.

Ultimately a parents first responsibility is to his children.
He will always choose them over you no matter how old they are.
He will never choose you over his children, I would never choose a man over my son. If my son wanted to come home every weekend I'd make him welcome because that is what parenthood is allbout.
Armed with that knowledge you have two choices.
Put up with it.
Move out.

I'm not asking him to choose his children over me. I would never do that.

I'm asking him to put in healthy boundaries like asking before they come over and stay all weekend, like asking before they help themselves to my toiletries/food/alcohol etc.

Expecting them to not wake me early or late when they stay. And backing me up when they argue with me over me asking for really quite simple things to be respected.

I'm only asking for some basic consideration in what is my home and my only home.

He's already said he would be mortified if I did the things in their house that they do to me and he "would not put up with it" as he would expect better from me.

So far he's not giving you that basic consideration and putting the boundaries in place necessary for them.

I am also an introvert and this setup would be nightmarish for me, no matter how much I knew my partner loved his kids (and maybe home life with their mum was not so nice). I would not be able to live with it and would separate in order to live my life in peace.

Sorry, no solution for you. Good luck.

He needs to man up and take your side and tell his kids - they shouldn't be treating your home like a hotel 🏨

I'm not an introvert but it would drive me mad not having my own space.

I'm not one of these that says leave but I think you need to have your own space. Just like people sleep in separate rooms. You need to come and go as you please and have an oasis of tranquility to go to and not feel like a prisoner in your own home.

He's telling you if you had your own flat then it's over, you need to respond and say well if that's how you feel I obviously don't mean that much to you in the first place.

All you are asking for are a few more boundaries. Your not asking him to choose, your asking him to add you into the equation of this crazy family life, which he isn't doing. He is disregarding your needs.

Tell yourself that. He is disregarding your needs and your mental health. You are at the bottom of his list of things. Tell him that and ask him why he can't consider you. He will fight and say your being silly but the reality of it all is everyone else comes first.

It really is to much and I'm getting anxious just thinking about your situation. Even the kids are selfish and haven't even thought that you and him might need a bit of space. They are taking the situation for granted.

You are not asking for much. Here's a scary thought for you.

EITHER THINGS CHANGE OR WELCOME TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

He's already said he would be mortified if I did the things in their house that they do to me and he "would not put up with it" as he would expect better from me

Why does he expect you to adhere to higher standards than the adults that come into your home and do what the hell they like. He has no respect for you and this attitude of "expecting better" from you, well what about him? Tell him that you expect better from him, more care and consideration, that you need peace in your own home. Also stop doing anything around the home, both him and his adult children consider it their home and you an outsider, so cleaning, cooking and paying for anything beyond your own living expenses should not be done as they consider you outside the family core. The more I read Op the angrier I get for you.

In your shoes moving out would be my plan ....

It makes me feel stressed just reading your posts .

I hope this thread will give you the strength to tackle your dp again regarding boundaries.

I got very confused about all the children and who lives where but I really hope you can get the balls to deliver some hard news to the kids. Trouble is I don't think your husband will agree.

I can't imagine what sort of relationship you have with him to be honest. It sounds hideous. Perhaps it is time to get out. Can you imagine the peace?

Is down size to a one bed flat with no sofa bed personally. This is a serious nightmare scenario.

There are 2 things here : 1) The facts are he is overcompensating for the divorce from their Mum and letting them off the hook .They are no longer little children, but are all grown up now, and he obviously enjoys still being a "weekend dad" and feeling important in their lives .What to do about it ? if you do leave have you anywhere to go ?,any money of your own at all?.If you are happy together ,then it seems a shame that this should impact upon you so much .Many stepfamilies are in a similar position to some extent ,its part of the deal but this is idiotic!.If they like you and like coming to stay. I am baffled as to why they think they can help themselves to your things!.Can u not arrange some time with your own family so when they are with ur husband you get a break?.Many stepparents do this ,its not ideal but is probably the only answer to save your sanity! .If you feel that ur husband will agree ,see if he will come too!.The blunt truth is he loves you but also his children ,asking him to choose will make him panic and leave you in limbo.Think hard as if u leave you will be alone, and will most likely miss them all!.Just make some ground rules ,lock ur things away or just leave out cheapie shampoo,toothpaste and so on ,Arrange some w/e with friends etc and hopefully the situation will ease in a few years

He'll come grovelling back to you as soon as you leave anyway! Maybe this is the only way to give him a wake up call.. and if he doesn't..... peace :)

OP, I do not mean this unkindly but, how are you expecting your OH and his children to treat you with respect, when you are not treating yourself with respect and courtesy.

When people behave badly towards you and you let it go, inevitably you get more of the same.

You are being treated like absolute crap in your home and you take.

You have to choose to stand up for yourself, love yourself, then and only then can your life get better.

Best of luck.

@billy1966 It's harsh but it's true. I think, and myself included in this, people are afraid to set up boundaries in case they offend somebody but you have to set boundaries and stick with what you are willing to accept. otherwise people will walk over you.

Would he agree to a sit down meeting with them all to tell them how it’s going to be in the future? Ie respect, no taking of stuff, no more landing every weekend without asking etc? If not, I’m sorry, OP, I think you are on a losing streak. Yes, it’s your home, but your DP is more scared of losing his kids than giving you the love and consideration you deserve.

Firstly, I don't have any family of my own. An only child and both parents are dead. I do see cousins and aunts and uncles but not really the same as having parents and siblings to see and spend time with.

I suspect this is some of the reason, I've put up with so much.

I've also had a lot of well meaning people telling me to "put the kids first" on here and in real life which really meant "butt out, you're not to interfere". I've seen these kids in hospital after the malnourishment they've suffered because neither parent would make them go outside (vitamin d) or make them eat my home cooked food. Just one example where I was told it was none of my business if their parents want to drive them everywhere and keep them indoors and let them eat biscuits and crisps.

I have never blamed the kids. My frustration is with my Dp and his ex wife.

But ultimately here I am living with the consequences of their choices.

I don't know if they like me or they just see me as invisible.

I know I have been a doormat and I gave up fighting with him over them a long time ago as it was making me ill.

He is coming up with every excuse under the sun (including giving up a free, large home, turning the spare rooms into offices for me which I don't need) rather than sitting down with them and explaining that we need some time to ourselves and how it's my turn now to embrace my career rather than working part time to do the "wife work" for them.

I haven't spelt anything out to him yet (kids with us all the time since starting this post!), but I think I need to make it very clear what I want going forward and ask him if and how he will support me in that and if not, it's time to make the jump and live alone again.

You are very brave but I'm sure I couldn't sit on it one second more. I'd send him a message and say you need to talk now in private for at least a couple of hours with no interruptions. And if he can't do that then you are leaving him.