Depressed

[ToFeelHappy]

A month ago, life was great. We were happy, my anxiety had disappeared.

Every so often it feels like he loses interest in me and family life.

I haven't seen DP for over a week now, he won't answer my calls or texts.

DS6 cried in school yesterday but wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, I wanted to keep him off today but he wanted to go, he cried on the way to school because he misses Dad.

I sat at home today worried and anxious incase the same thing happened today, when I collected him this afternoon his teacher told me he cried again today.

I broke down and told his teacher the reason why DS is getting very upset, because he is usually such a happy little boy.

I feel a lot better now I have told them, his teacher was very supportive.

I really dislike seeing him like this, he is my life and I always make sure I do everything to make him happy.

DP not long ago texted me asking if he can come home, I never told him to leave he left at his own accord.

I can't cope with him keep on doing this.

I know this sounds as if I am using this thread as my own personal diary but I just needed to let it out and I know that there are some wonderful people on here.

Thanks for listening

(I am not a new member I have been around for a while, I got a new phone and haven't recurved the email through reset password)

Sorry for the bad grammar, just really can't be bothered to make sure everything is perfect.

@Closetbeanmuncher

It's ok, you haven't come across harsh. I am happy for the help and support.

I didn't ask him where he went due to the fact I don't know whether or not he would tell me the truth.

And I can do is sit and think, and I don't need him in my life. I am a good person and I believe I deserve to be treated right.

Yes I suffer from anxiety and I have terrible OCD and sometimes I am a nervous wreck but that's something I can't help, but he should be used to it and offer support and assurance which he never does.

Im glad you recognise that you deserve to be treated better.

The uncertainty of the relationship will inevitably be having an impact on your anxiety levels.

Are you worried about him challenging you for f/t custody of your son?

You are the primary caregiver by the sounds of it, so unless you were seemed unsuitable (drugs,alcohol etc) there is no way a court would grant him that.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Yes I am worried that he will want to take DS away from me, he threatened this before. He said that he wanted DS to live with him permanently and he is willing to go to court because he believes he will be able to give him a better life.

I have never taken drugs and I don't drink alcohol

Many abusive men threaten to take the children on separation - it is a way of keeping you there.

In reality you are talking about a man who has form for walking out and leaving you and DS and this has caused you both mental health difficulties. My advice would be to tell someone - your GP and the school, for example - because they will better be able to support you (and then it will be on record also).

Your husband is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man.

Your son is probably more attached as he spends more time with you and he is probably trying to please his dad , be a good boy so his dad won't disappear again.

He'll never get full custody.

You say you are thinking of your son. Let me tell you something harsh. You are not thinking of your son or you have a very distorted way of thinking of your son. You need to get away from this man so your son has some kind of stability.

This man is scum to do what he is doing. I couldn't imagine in one hundred years ever doing something like this for even one day.

For your and your sons sanity you need to figure out how you can get away from him and ignore all the pathetic threats that will follow, which will be another method of him trying to control you. Mumsnet posts are classic 101 behaviour of abusive men. You won't need to look hard at all the things they resort too.

I really do feel for you and this horrible situation.

Hi,

I have been out of the house with DS since 8.30am (something I shouldn't have to do) because I really want to spend time with my friend today.

I didn't sleep at all last night whilst DP slept like a baby.

He is definitely not moving into the new house with us, it will be a fresh start for me and DS.

I am not having this anymore I won't allow him to damage or ruin me or my son.

If there is any trouble from him, speak to Women’s Aid. You are doing the right thing.

@KTara

Me and DS had a nice day out, I would have stayed out for longer but he was getting very tired.

Now we are home no sign of DP and he won't answer his phone, during the duration that we were out he not once called.

I am sick and tired of this. I just hope he does come home before I get DS ready for bed, I can't live like this any longer.

I am not surprised and you should not have to live like this.

I think it is good that you and DS went out and had a nice day. Maybe tell DS how much you enjoyed it (if you have not already) and that he is a great son! None of what is going on is his fault or yours.

Deep breath and think forward.

I found Woman’s Aid really helpful just to have someone to talk to every week and straighten the spaghetti mess in my head. I suffered really badly from anxiety as a result of my marriage and it only occurs now when I need to negotiate contact or anything like that and I can work through it and focus on what is right for DC. But I had a lot of talking support from WA, so do not be afraid to reach out when you need it.

Not surprised that you are sick and tired, I mean

@KTara

Thanks you've been so kind, I'll be ok.

@KTara I told DS how much I enjoyed today and he said that he enjoyed it to and he would like to go out again on the weekends.

He has asked where dad is (he is not home yet) if asked if he is going to come back I told him he will, I'm sure he will be back soon.

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to be with DP anymore.

I will end it with him, DS deserves so much better.

I don’t know if this is helpful, but thinking about what you said about telling DS that his dad would be home soon (when presumably you don’t actually know?).

Maybe it is better to simply say when you don’t know - and focus then on what you can reassure him. You will know what these things are - for example, that he will see his friends in school on Monday or his gran whenever or you will take him to the park - in other words, shift the focus a bit to what you can rely on. All you can really tell DS is that his dad will come home when he wishes to and that is not something you or DS can change.

I think if you had your own place, you could focus on building more certainty in your lives.

Surprisingly he has been rather nice and helpful today.

This is how I like things but I am continuously going to be on edge now.

Did you tell him about the anguish he had caused his son? Don't get sucked back in by him, he is controlling you. Keep any text messages and a diary showing his disappearing act. That way if it gets to court you can show that he is unreliable and has caused your son upset.

@user1471590586

Yes I have told him that he can't just disappear because it's not fair is especially DS, he said he won't do it again and he did it because he needed to spend some time alone.

We have had a nice day together today, DS is very happy and that's the main thing.

How many times has he disappeared in total op?

@Closetbeanmuncher

Disrespectful as in?

Disappeared as in how many times has he buggered off and you have no idea where he is?

Does your DP have parental responsibility? Because the emphasis is on responsibility. You don’t get to just walk out the door.

Course he is being nice now, he has had his alone time, he has recharged his batteries or whatever, and you and DS are beaming that he is back. What is not to be nice about?

@Closetbeanmuncher

A few times, sorry if my last message come across a bit rude, I just didn't know what you meant.

@KTara

I agree, it's not nice at all. We shouldn't have to live with this.

If it happens again, he is gone.

No, you should not have to live like this.

I am struck by the fact that you say you will be on eggshells. So will DS probably but not be able to articulate it.

It reminds me of the cycle of abuse. Except rather than raging and hitting you, he is abandoning you. He had got whatever it was out of his system for now and he is back being nice, so you do not call it a day. It is a means of control.

NP, I assumed you'd misread what I put.

He's really not dad or partner material OP. Responsible and loving parents don't just fuck off their responsibilities whenever they don't feel like participating.

I would advise you to manovoure yourself into a position where you're ready and able to leave, as unfortunately I don't think it will be the last time.

There's absolutely no way courts would grant him full time residency.

I would also have an STD test, as I personally think he's cheating.