Depressed

[ToFeelHappy]

A month ago, life was great. We were happy, my anxiety had disappeared.

Every so often it feels like he loses interest in me and family life.

I haven't seen DP for over a week now, he won't answer my calls or texts.

DS6 cried in school yesterday but wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, I wanted to keep him off today but he wanted to go, he cried on the way to school because he misses Dad.

I sat at home today worried and anxious incase the same thing happened today, when I collected him this afternoon his teacher told me he cried again today.

I broke down and told his teacher the reason why DS is getting very upset, because he is usually such a happy little boy.

I feel a lot better now I have told them, his teacher was very supportive.

I really dislike seeing him like this, he is my life and I always make sure I do everything to make him happy.

DP not long ago texted me asking if he can come home, I never told him to leave he left at his own accord.

I can't cope with him keep on doing this.

I know this sounds as if I am using this thread as my own personal diary but I just needed to let it out and I know that there are some wonderful people on here.

Thanks for listening

(I am not a new member I have been around for a while, I got a new phone and haven't recurved the email through reset password)

Sorry for the bad grammar, just really can't be bothered to make sure everything is perfect.

@MrMagooo

I don't think I can do that just yet, it is easier said than done.

What's making you stay? Would your DS not be just as happy and secure knowing that he lives with just you and you never disappear. He could still see his dad regularly. Do you think his dad would be reliable with having his son regularly or would there be potential for him not turning up for him and letting him down? I know it's so much easier for people to advise from a distance and tell you to do X y and z. When you're deep in that situation with the fears and attachments etc it's not that easy to make the decisions. If I were you I'd like to think I'd sit him down, explain to him how he's behaviour is affecting DS and me and tell him it's not acceptable and that I wouldn't be willing to put up with it anymore. I'd also want to understand the reasons behind him doing this. Good luck. This must be getting your anxiety through the roof. Sending virtual hugs, you're not alone.

I would bet my bottom dollar hes cheating again.

Surely its better that you seperate amicabily and provide you and your son with stability. He will know when he will see his dad (during contact days) and when he wont.

Instability is the worst possible thing for mental health. This man isnt "family" material is he really (if you're honest with yourself).

Forget that "you love him" and ask yourself what you want for your future. To have him cheating and dissappearing or to raise your son in peace and find someone who loves you when you're ready?

I think it must make you extremely anxious, yes, but also walking on eggshells. If he basically can leave for a week when you ask him to do something, then it is a way of controlling your behaviour. The more you are scared of him leaving, the less likely you are to stand up for yourself.

You need to find your anger - how fucking dare he abandon you both - your poor poor son.
You said he goes on holiday a lot too - where too and who with.
It’s absolutely abusive behaviour. He is controlling - he decides when he comes and goes. He doesn’t even tell you where he’s been.
When he goes again you need to tell him not to come back.
I’d ask to see his phone and see how he reacts.
He’s probably been on holiday again.
What about YOU.
You need to do some digging - bank accounts bank statements his phone.
Don’t put up with this shit.

@Mary1935

I just don't have any energy or fight in me anymore, I am just so tired.

We did split up briefly before, and he had the audacity to say he wanted full custody of our son because it would make him happy (him meaning DP)

He threatened to take me to court as well.

@KTara

I am not scared of him leaving, if DS wasn't so attached to him I would have probably left him when he cheated.

@Stormyisland

I put up with him for my sons sake, we will go a month or two of being good... no problems what so ever: then he goes cold.

And thank you you're so kind, yes my anxiety is through the roof. He is here acting like he hasn't done anything wrong.

I have suggested going to relationship counselling before but he said that he is not discussing anything with a stranger.

@Mary1935

Sorry I am using the App on my phone, so I can't remember all that you said.

In regards to his phone, I don't have to ask him to look through it. I have the password to his phone.

I did ask him before he went to bed where he had been, he said that he just needed some time alone because he felt as if he was getting under my feet (whatever that means)

Well, he is emotionally abusing your son by regularly disappearing for goodness knows how long. Your poor child must be so insecure, never knowing if his Daddy will be there when he wakes up. Probably in his young mind he’s worrying that it’s his fault. And the worst of it...You’re colluding in this abuse. Have a word with yourself and start protecting the MH of your child and in turn, your own.

@TheWaiting

Yes it does have a huge affect on our son, and as his mother I should be protecting him.

I hate to see him upset and anxious, I will speak to DP tomorrow and make him realise what he is doing to our son.

I can really relate to this and it's heartbreaking. When they want to be with you and make it work especially when there are kids involved you grab it with both hands. Then it goes cold and it's so hard to understand. It's making me ill and I need to get out of this, reading your posts last night I hope you can do too. We all deserve to be happy x

@jelly79

Thanks for understanding it's just so hard, and I don't want to walk away because he hasn't done anything drastic, yes I know it's bad that he went for a week I just hope it doesn't happen again.

How healthy do think your son’s attachment to his father is when a huge component is him never knowing where his father is and when he will be back? Kids can handle change, it’s the uncertainty that fuck them up.

You can not protect your son’s mental health if you continue to let his father mess with it unchanged. You can not change his behaviour but you can challenge it and make it very clear that it isn’t acceptable and take steps to protect yourself from its corrosive impact.

I think leaving for a week with no warning when you have DC is drastic, though.

Thanks for understanding it's just so hard, and I don't want to walk away because he hasn't done anything drastic, yes I know it's bad that he went for a week I just hope it doesn't happen again.

Given that this pattern of behaviour is so ingrained in him and your relationship, what are the chances of it not happening again? Very low and you know this.

Please seek help for your anxiety because it and your husband triggering it, is an obstacle to a better life for you and your son.

How can you not think he’s done anything drastic? I’ve been married 20yrs and have young children but if my DH disappeared regularly without any reason then I’d be telling him I wanted a divorce. This is not normal nor acceptable. Do you realise how low you’ve set the bar? He is absolutely abusive and controlling. He doesn’t need to be physically aggressive to be abusive. It’s just sometimes less obvious to the victim that they’re being abused. But from the outside, this is very clear. He’s a disgrace as a father.

He hasnt done anything drastic?

*Hes wrecked your mental health
*Hes cheated
*He disappears and who knows where the fuck he is
*He abandond his son and causes him distress

I dont really understand how all that could be seen as anything other than drastic. Where exactly has he been for the last week???

@Closetbeanmuncher

Yes you're right, I guess that I'm just in denial.

Ever been in a situation where you know what someone has done is bad but you try and kid yourself that what they've done isn't bad compared to what other men have done to their partners?

I really don't feel good today my anxiety is through the roof. I couldn't even member whether or not I put a drink my sons lunch box, I had to call the school and ask them to check.

My mental health isn't good right now.

@AgentJohnson

Yes I fully agree with you.

@ToFeelHappy oh lovely you know that's not true. I completely understand. My 'partner' has been in an out since I was pregnant. I so desperately want to be a family that I pretend each time it doesn't happen because I want to believe he will make it work. He won't. I lie awake trying to understand the last 3 years and I will never make senses of why he does it. He has done it again this week. The only thing I am certain of is that he won't change and this isn't good enough!

Only you can control how you feel ❤️

Hey

Just popping back in again, we have spoken and he hasn't apologised for going like that, I suggested that we do something as a family tomorrow (I'm trying my best)

He has said he wants to stay in and rest, I whatsapped my friend to ask her if she has any plans for tomorrow, we had agreed to take both boys out for the day, but DS wants to stay with home with dad.

I don't know how to put this... but I just don't understand why DS is so attached to dad, I am the one that does everything from him, I just don't understand why he prefers dad over me (I know this sounds very pathetic)

He doesn’t prefer his dad to you. He wants to spend time with him and he wants to please him because he’s so insecure in his relationship with his father and he’s desperately trying to make him stay. He’s not doing it with you because he’s secure in his relationship and attachment with you and he knows he doesn’t need to impress you as you will not leave him.

Why are you still trying to change his pathetic arse? I know you don’t want to face this, but you are not a family. You and your DS are a family and he’s a parasite sucking the life from you both. Making you both anxious. Please don’t do this to yourself or your child. You need to end this toxic relationship now, for the sake of your MH and that of your son.

Im sorry if the post came across as harsh op, i didnt intend to make you feel worse.

I understand what you mean regarding the anxiety, hes absolutely ruining your mental health. He could also be risking your physical health by having unprotected sex with people. Have you not asked him where hes been? In honesty you sound frightened to rock the apple cart when he owes you an apology and answers on where the hell hes been for the past week.

I think your son is anxiously attached to him and this is the reason why he gravitates to him, to try and secure the bond as it were.

This is a deeply unhealthy situation for both you and your son. The relationship is abusive your psyche knows that, you're effectively burning yourself out.

@TheWaiting

Yes you're right, I need to let him go I need to protect my son.

Once we move into the new house (which is closer to my sons school) I won't be so lonely I will be able to get out a bit more.

Just a bit worried how DP is going to take it when I tell him.

Thanks for your advice and also thanks for listening to me.