Partners: teaching kids to choose wisely

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Inspired by another thread on signs of a deadbeat dad....

What will your advice be to your children, in terms of choosing partners? I'm thinking more desirable traits rather than avoiding a complete and total level 10 bastard/ess.

I'll start:

• pick someone kind and empathetic, who is interested in others' thoughts and feelings. This is the most important of important things to me.
• meet their parents early. If you dont actively like (solely tolerating is no good) at least one of them... run a mile. Exceptions being people with very neglectful childhoods or (obviously) those who have no living parents..

Otherwise happy childhoods where you think both parents are weird/ unkind/ have extremely odd values.... no. No. NO. -for both male and female children, pick someone who is a feminist and who actually understands what that means.

• pick someone with passions and interests; who has views and opinions of their own. And someone who is interested in the world around them.

This is obviously inspired by my own life experience and I am not naïve enough to think that telling my kids will affect their behaviour if I cannot show them what matters, as well.

Anyway, give us your life lessons on relationship 101 for kids.

I was going to say kindness is the most important trait, genuine kindness. It also helps if they're secure in their own skin so the relationship can be honest and uncomplicated.

@marvellousnighforamooncup what a great username. I laughed :) Did you find your kind and comfy-in-own-skin person??

Oh, I'll add another one although I know this is possibly stupid...

Dont pick anyone without an appreciation for at least one of the arts or humanities: music, art, stories, poetry, architecture, history, languages.... I know you, kids, and that will not work...

Someone who is...

Compassionate
Respectful
Has Integrity
Intelligent

When choosing look for good character over looks, and avoid like the plague the ones with roving eyes, tempers, who tell lies or are lazy...

I'll be watching like a hawk 😂

Oh, integrity is a big one. A huge one. I cant believe I missed that one. Hard to tell kids what it means in practice though.

Living ones' beliefs? Courage? Not fabricating to save face??

I've had to work all this stuff out for myself. My parents were loving but offered zero explicit moral guidance. Its interesting but also confusing ...

Avoid partners who become unpleasant when they have to do things they really should even if they are unpleasant/boring/cut in to their leisure time. Test this thoroughly with their actions and not their words.

Weed out those who will not share the work of parenting fairly, weed out the ones who are irresponsible with money and weed out partners who won't do their fair share in the home.

A life with a man like this is not worth the heartache. You're better off going it alone.

Lastly, never leave yourself financially dependent and vulnerable.

A-men.

Another one.. girl children: do not shack up with any man who expects you to give up your career. Financial independence is absolutely crucial. Without it you are powerless.

Such a good idea for a thread and something I have thought about fleetingly.

I would say take note of how they behave in a crisis, when the chips are down. If what you see doesn’t sit right and isn’t compatible with your own approach then cut your losses. Challenges will come and if you can’t face them together as a unified front you’re on a hiding to nowhere.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything and I would hope my children would look at the way their partner reacts to disagreements. If they remain respectful and mature about it, it bodes well. If they can’t handle a difference of opinion without throwing their toys out, move on.

Have conversations about your approach to parenting and be on the same page.

If their face fell off would you still enjoy their company? I mean I know it’s obvious but you have to really get beyond fancying and actually really like someone’s personality and try to imagine life without all the sexy and aesthetically pleasing bits. Even in the best case scenario, the first couple of years of little kids can be a bit gruelling, particularly if you don’t have much of a support network.

Kindness is fundamental, as mentioned by previous posters. As is tolerance. Loads of tolerance. And a dose of self-awareness to help with the tolerance.

Maybe I have come across my fair share of troubles and so I tend to be preoccupied with how people are when faced with adversity. But since life isn’t a bed of roses, it’s every bit as important as sense of humour, sexual compatibility and all the other stuff.

Choose someone who:

Likes and respects the opposite sex.
Has proved that they’re capable of getting and keeping jobs.
For men, someone who respects his mother but is not ‘tied to the apron strings’.

Oh poglets, I couldn’t agree more! And here here to the other wise words and attributes!

And a flippant one...

If your special person does anything that makes you feel stabby within the first 6 months..... runrunrun far away. Cleans their teeth with their tongue; verbal tic mirroring Tim from 'Sorry'; A tendency to buy the same shirt 15 times over... If you loved them then these quirks will be loveable. Otherwise, they will make you feel truly murderous in 10 years' time.

Start with a fish before you have children and see who cleans the tank. Go from there.

To girls, suss out early on if your partner really understands equality in a relationship. There's no point seeing someone who shared an Emma Watson video but also believes your career is fine until you have kids.

Look for someone who will stand by their principles.

Find someone who disagrees well and can settle disagreements positively and with kindness.

Pick someone with hobbies or interests outside the relationship and pop culture. People without hobbies can fast resent partners with hobbies. 2 people with hobbies and interests appreciate them

@Picnicathangingrock and @Minta85 I really agree with everything you have said.

The adversity thing is a biggie.

The undoing of my main relationship was adversity. It sorted the wheat from the chaff. But oddly, I had a deeply unsuitable (unfaithful) boyfriend who was absolutely excellent and kind in a major crisis. Just goes to show you need the whole package and not just isolated traits.

@poglets generally true but my cousin's abusive, totally and utterly, feckless with kids, husband loved his tropical fish. But he is an aberration. And your post made me laugh. A good general barometer ...

I would like to print this thread for my children and put it alongside their birthday card when they turn 18. It’s a lot of the stuff that nobody ever told me and I wish they had.

Ditto, picnic. No-one told me and it has been a major problem.

I am no fan of the Tories but all credit to them for bringing in statutory relationships education for all primary aged kids.

I’m with you on the tics and mannerisms becoming amplified, if they are even slightly annoying. Definitely walk away.

I think there is this tendency for people to think that it’s a sign of maturity and good character to “work” on relationships. If you’re not married, or don’t have children and you need to “work” on it, I say walk away because you haven’t even got to the hard bits yet. It just means you aren't compatible.

So listen up, kids. If you don’t have any kids, don’t work on it. Just walk!

My husband once told me a story from his childhood. He told me that as a child he was pleased when the family's pet canary died because he no longer had to clean the cage.

I should have listened. 🧐

I hope your cousin is free and happy. Or going that way. x

When I was at uni my best friend had a checklist given to her by her mum which I always thought was rather genius

1. how do they act when you are alone?
2. how do they act when out in a group with their mates?
3. how do they act when out with your friends?
4. how do they speak about their ex?
5. how do they treat/speak about their mother?

If you did not approve of his behaviour on even just one of the above situations then end it....

I know I'll get shouted at, but I'll warn my girls against marrying a man whose mother didn't work, because I've seen so many women battle with partners who, while nice and notionally enthusiastic about equality, expect her career to take second place and just assume she'll take charge of their domestic lives. The unconscious biases we pick up in childhood are incredibly hard to shift. Whereas my MIL worked full time when it was quite unusual for a married woman to do so, and her sons all (even the filthy rich CEO type) shop, cook, tidy, do school runs, buy birthday presents etc ... because that's their normal.

@poglets Wow.

But I guess it’s precisely because we can so easily miss those clues that we have to make sure that the DCs know what to look out for and what to run a mile from.

I totally agree about looking for someone who is financially responsible.

On a lighter note, they have to smell nice. To you at least.

Similar standards of tidiness will help too, but as poglets mentioned a fair distribution of workload is essential.

Knockout, that’s a great list of questions.

Many seem to be for women/girls vs men

Are many transferable for men/boys vs women or same sex relationships?

Or are there other things to consider?

@another20 I have boys and I think I know what you’re getting at since they are just as in need of advice on these matters but I think most of these apply regardless of sex and orientation. There must be some guides which apply more specifically to one sex or the other but I think good/bad qualities in a partner are good/bad qualities irrespective of sex and orientation.

I should be working now but instead I’m going to be thinking about trying to come up with some 😖 When I try to think of them though my mind goes to old stereotypes like “boys be wary of gold diggers” and “girls be wary of cheaters” or “boys look for someone who can cook and likes kids” and “girls find a man with a good job”. I know that isn’t what you meant by the way. I just find it difficult to think of any that are specific without relying on stereotypes.

Sorry that was a massive tangent to say basically that I take the view that the qualities we would like our DCs to look for are mostly interchangeable.