Partners: teaching kids to choose wisely

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Inspired by another thread on signs of a deadbeat dad....

What will your advice be to your children, in terms of choosing partners? I'm thinking more desirable traits rather than avoiding a complete and total level 10 bastard/ess.

I'll start:

• pick someone kind and empathetic, who is interested in others' thoughts and feelings. This is the most important of important things to me.
• meet their parents early. If you dont actively like (solely tolerating is no good) at least one of them... run a mile. Exceptions being people with very neglectful childhoods or (obviously) those who have no living parents..

Otherwise happy childhoods where you think both parents are weird/ unkind/ have extremely odd values.... no. No. NO. -for both male and female children, pick someone who is a feminist and who actually understands what that means.

• pick someone with passions and interests; who has views and opinions of their own. And someone who is interested in the world around them.

This is obviously inspired by my own life experience and I am not naïve enough to think that telling my kids will affect their behaviour if I cannot show them what matters, as well.

Anyway, give us your life lessons on relationship 101 for kids.

Don't tell your kids show them by having the same standards for yourself.

Smart, funny, kind, self-sufficient, and ambitious (ambitions will vary, but a dream/goal for the future.)

My advice do my kids was ‘don’t be with someone who doesn't treat you well’.

Choose people who want to make love with you as opposed to making love to you.

If you’re single you are showing your kids you didn’t put up with any crap.
If you stay and get treated badly you’re showing them that too.

Take a substantial amount of time to really get to know someone. It can take months for a fake person's mask to fall off. There's no rush.

Avoid broken birds, projects, victims, addicts

Use reliable birth control and backup so you don't get pregnant with someone you barely know.

Avoid married and separated men.

Similar life goals. Eg views on children, travel, money.

Interest in the wider family as opposed to just wanting time as a couple.

Definitely take your time. Say that to adults as well as kids too.

But you don't choose a partner from a line up

That's not how life works over here

The idea that parents have a say in this is actually quite funny

Kids will do their own thing. Same way that they choose their own friends.

All we can do, and do, is model what a "normal" relationship looks like.

If we argue all the time, or accept being treated like crap, or if we are like best friends, or if we treat our partners with contempt , this will be our kids blueprint for future relationships

I should keep this for my dc's. My parents didn't tell me anything like this and I won't do the same to mine.

Pick someone rich is the advice I give toy children. And generous. And no pre-nups.

*to children

Live with someone for at least two years before you commit to joint mortgage, marriage or children

Do not ignore all the little red flags because you are 30 and really want a baby!

Friendship is the most important element of suitability.

What do you like about them? Will this endure?

Look long and hard at their life outlook and are you reading that correctly?

Not sure they will listen, part of life is learning from mistakes.

... But you don't choose a partner from a line up

That's not how life works over here

The idea that parents have a say in this is actually quite funny grin

Kids will do their own thing. Same way that they choose their own friends.

All we can do, and do, is model what a "normal" relationship looks like...

This. So many times over.

The thought of people showing this thread to their children is hilarious.

"erm....ok, Mum, thanks. Now f*ck off"

The thing is, people don't come along and immediately show who they are, so one of the most important things to teach children is that they are worthy of love and respect. We teach children to love themselves, by showing them love, care trust and respect. It's an old adage, after all, that children will re-create a parental dynamic in their adult relationships, one way or another.

Obviously the expression of love, care, trust and respect changes from babyhood to 21, but if we have routinely bust our children's boundaries, is it any surprise if they allow others to do so? If they cannot trust us, those trust issues will resurface with a partner etc etc.

Unless children have that basic self-love and respect, they can learn all the lists and it will make no difference. I've seen it with survivors of abuse - there are those who go on to heal their own vulnerabilities, and then there are those who just stay hyper-alert for 'red flags'. Red flags that they then explain away because of those vulnerabilities. You see it on these boards often enough.

If we want great relationships for our children, we model that with them and with others.

I think you can be aware of as many things as possible and still end up in difficulties. When l married my dh he was kind, helpful, sporty, engaged in lots of interests, respectful to his dm but well able to mark his boundaries, solvent with a keen interest in his job, rarely drank more than a few drinks, lots of friends, made me laugh..and of course we had great chemistry.etc etc
Twenty years later he developed severe depression and all that has gone out the window. Well he is still kind!
Also my dm didn't work outside the home but all my brothers are totally hands on at home, do lots of housework( some much more than their partners which they are fine with) so you cant always predict.
Obviously there are red flags but you cant cover for ever situation.
Some guys can be immature and grow up brilliantly while others slowly disimprove with age.

Hey thanks everyone for your responses on this. Really interesting how much agreement there is...

And yes, I'm not daft enough to think that telling kids is enough to make them act in certain ways but there is a (lesser) role for words as well, I'd hope.

"If you’re single you are showing your kids you didn’t put up with any crap." I do get what you're saying and appreciate it

But I am still concerned I've made dd "too fussy".

"Take a substantial amount of time to really get to know someone. It can take months for a fake person's mask to fall off. There's no rush." SO many adults on here rush into relationships, often with children from a previous relationship being dragged into the mess too! Totally ridiculous! Yet myself and others regularly get flamed by the "hopeless romantics" -irresponsible idiots-- giving the op, pregnant 2 months into dating with 2 kids from previous relationship, with a boyfriend displaying a fucking carnivals worth of red flags "you go for it Hun, when you know you know, ignore the haters" 🙄🙄

"Similar life goals. Eg views on children, travel, money." DEFINITELY ESPECIALLY children, again far too many threads with OP'S man from the beginning clearly at best non-committal on having children or constantly delaying ttc or even have actually SAID they don't want children or don't want more children and then op hits 30/35/40 and starts panicking - why didn't they believe their men when they said this? Or think they could change their minds - again ridiculous!