Partners: teaching kids to choose wisely

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

Inspired by another thread on signs of a deadbeat dad....

What will your advice be to your children, in terms of choosing partners? I'm thinking more desirable traits rather than avoiding a complete and total level 10 bastard/ess.

I'll start:

• pick someone kind and empathetic, who is interested in others' thoughts and feelings. This is the most important of important things to me.
• meet their parents early. If you dont actively like (solely tolerating is no good) at least one of them... run a mile. Exceptions being people with very neglectful childhoods or (obviously) those who have no living parents..

Otherwise happy childhoods where you think both parents are weird/ unkind/ have extremely odd values.... no. No. NO. -for both male and female children, pick someone who is a feminist and who actually understands what that means.

• pick someone with passions and interests; who has views and opinions of their own. And someone who is interested in the world around them.

This is obviously inspired by my own life experience and I am not naïve enough to think that telling my kids will affect their behaviour if I cannot show them what matters, as well.

Anyway, give us your life lessons on relationship 101 for kids.

Its interesting, that, @another20

I tried to write my OP for any relationship but my experience is as woman I hetero relationships so I am shaped by that.

I think some things are universal across sexualities: kindness, respect, dealing with crises, financial responsibility, emotional continence and awareness..... smell :), sexual compatibility etc.

The importance of both partners working and being economically active is equally relevant to same sex partners IMHO, or men in hetero relationships. It's never right to be dependent on the other partner for either finances or the emotional and practical labour of child rearing.. these things should be equally shared,.. in my opinion.

Do you all think your kids will listen? Not sure I would’ve done.
Good idea though to try and teach them.

Having said that, I think we need to gild our girls more than our boys, if they are going to be heterosexual and in male/female partnerships. That is sad, given its 2019, but I think it is still, unfortunately, true. Girls are still victim to structural and cultural inequalities. Boys will do ok generally, as long as they know feelings aren't dangerous...

Anyhow.. smell, not picking yer teeth. Fancying. Taste in music. All VERY important ..

Great idea for a thread.

I'd say (and I have discussed this with dd but she doesn't always listen 🤔 she's had some shockers! I'm hoping she'll learn from her mistakes fast!)

Kind

Intelligent - that doesn't necessarily mean academic/intellectual but certainly someone with at least common sense and an understanding of how the world works and not a "university of life" chip on their shoulder about not being academic type.

Considerate - aware of the needs of others and that everyone's life and experience is different

Generous - not a walkover, but definitely not mean, if they're the type to turn to a calculator to work out their share of the bill or don't EVER leave tips - run!

Polite - manners REALLY seem to be taking a hit lately!

Ambitious - again not necessarily meaning a high achiever, but definitely someone with goals and ideas and not lazy!

"Has Integrity" definitely! Honesty and the courage of their convictions, can't abide liars or hypocrites

Similar sense of humour - humour is very subjective but being amused by the same things is really important in a relationship. Personally I cannot get on with someone who likes slapstick or juvenile humour. "Practical jokes" are never funny it's laughing at someone else's hurt/discomfort people that like this type of humour definitely aren't for me.

"I would say take note of how they behave in a crisis" absolutely! Some will panic, some will come into their own, some will get a bit bossy but the ones to avoid are the completely useless or over reactors who make it all about them!

Ability to debate robustly without getting personal or cruel

Has self respect - from a clean, tidy appearance to taking responsibility for their finances

Note how they treat people in positions considered of lower status? Eg waiting staff, checkout staff... Especially when they think you're not looking.

I'm not sure my kids will listen. Showing is so much more important, than telling.

But what happens for those of us who made less than ideal partner choices??

You can only try and remidate it by telling, cant you 🤔? I'ts better than nothing...

Yeah absolutely tell them, showing is better I think but will they take any notice 🤷‍♀️

I definitely don’t think they’ll listen but I think they’ll remember when they are our age that at least we did try to tell them.

God, there is nothing like the DP listening to shit music to give you the ick.

Another one.. girl children: do not shack up with any man who expects you to give up your career. Financial independence is absolutely crucial. Without it you are powerless

Excellent advice 👌

Kindness is a good one, very underrated I think.
How they treat waiting staff, shop assistants etc.
How they treat animals.
Same sense of humour.

On the subject of showing and telling, I couldn’t agree more and I started a thread a while back about how to model good relationships if you aren’t in one because it is something that I worry about.

There was lots of good advice and I remember a poster called slightlymisplacedsingledad had a lot of really insightful things to say about raising girls and encouraging them to be secure and confident and make good choices.

My hope is that my DS will learn that a good relationship is not merely about finding someone attractive, that girls are not sex toys and household appliances in one, and that love means that you find them gorgeous even when their bodies are battered out of shape from pregnancy, childbirth and age. Love means that you care enough about them to support them, which includes doing your share of chores and listening to what they tell you. It's a two way street, so you need to feel listened to as well, but in a good relationship this stuff feels natural, not forced.

Chopin - what are you doing to teach your son this? Is it very difficult with other influences? Eg peers, porn culture, certain celebrities...

My teenage DSs are, I think, excellent judges of character based on their choice of friends so far. My tip to them is to bear in mind whether a prospective girlfriend is an animal lover. IME, it's a useful test of who's a goodun' and who's to be avoided.

If at any time your gut instinct wobbles, shakes or screams at you. Run, run far, far away!

No cyclists/gamers/golfers.

Someone who cleans up after himself

Not lazy/workshy

Not selfish. Always puts you first.

Feminist who truly believes in equal ops for women

Well, I don't know how well I'm 'teaching' him anything, but we make sure he has his household chores to do so he's not entirely useless round the house. I am very imperfect when it comes to laundry, ironing etc., so that nudges everyone else to do their part in the work (honestly, I do think being the house fairy is counterproductive!) He really isn't much of a talker (not entirely NT I suspect), but we do discuss this stuff as a family. And turn off internet access at 10 pm.

My advice to both of my DC has always been to find someone that you can be yourself with, farts and all. It's too exhausting trying to be something you're not to try to please someone.

On reflection I'd also add that it is important to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are. Behaviour is more important than words.

And from my experience, if someone says that they love you but they're not into marriage, it means that they don't want to marry YOU. If marriage is important to you, find someone else.

That sounds good Chopin. Depending on his age do you discuss attitudes to girls/sex? On equality etc?

I like Knockout's list.

However, so much of this has to be about bringing them up in the first place with a strong sense of their own identity and a good self esteem. They should go out in the world knowing they don't need a partner, and don't have to act / dress / speak in any way they wouldn't otherwise, in order to either attract or retain a partner. Like Whiterose said, you need to be with someone who like the you, you really are.

I've also advised my dc to not get too involved with anyone until they've seen how they react when things aren't going well - in effect, until they've either had their first disagreement about something, or they've been together when they have had to deal with someone or some situation being really negative. You can't hope to get through life agreeing with each other on every issue, and what is important is how you work through those times.

I think it’s useless just telling kids what they should be looking for in a person. Falls on deaf ears. I think it comes firstly from what they see their parents behave like to each other, that sets what is acceptable or not as a general boundary. Then it’s about giving them self esteem, so that they are confident to put their hand up and disentangle themselves from someone who turns out to be rubbish. And finally it’s modelling and teaching them what respect looks like both ways, receiving it and giving it. I expect my kids to treat everyone with respect, especially each other, their closest peers and the people they live so close with they have a tendency to treat with sibling contempt. I want them to recognise what respect looks like so they know when they’re not getting it and also how to behave to their partner themselves. I’ll give them all the tools and support I can to ensure they can tell someone to back the fuck up when they are not being respected.

I love this thread. ❤

I think there are a lot of lessons we only learn through experience, but teaching them the skills to know what to avoid is a good start!

We can tell them what we want, what we show them sticks. Model a respectful relationship and kids of both genders get the message.

But isn't sexual chemistry vital to any romantic relationship. And this isn't something people have much control over.

Bit hard to model healthy relationships when you're single yourself.

I'm very conscious that dd has perhaps gone too far the other way!

Her dad and I split up when she was too young to remember us together, I've unfortunately not met anyone since who's made it past the 6 month mark, for various reasons so she's grown up with me being single and not seen what I'm like in a relationship.

She is 18 now and holds her boyfriends to VERY high standards but I've noticed recently perhaps too high.

She can be very black and white, is honest to a fault herself and expects the same from others (including platonic friends - fortunately her bff is the same) but she can be unforgiving and a bit tunnel vision.

I don't think it helps that she knows why her dad and I split, I didn't go out of my way to tell her this but eventually she reached an age where she started asking questions which was around the same time as she was learning about human reproduction and her dad and I were always honest about when we split and she knows her half siblings dob so... She put 2 and 2 together.

She was mad at me for "covering" for ex which I don't feel I did I just didn't want to burden a little girl with that stress.

What also didn't help is that when she asked her dad about it he handled it REALLY badly! Initially trying to deny, then blame me, then the "stress" of becoming a father so essentially blaming HER...

That was a nightmare to deal with when she came back from that particular visit.

Then he and wife 2 have a shit relationship and she actually caught her dad kissing someone else at
one point too! Fuckwit!

So what would people suggest single parents do as far as "modelling a healthy relationship" goes?

Plus not all single parents want another relationship for various reasons.

I know someone who was widowed, her husband really was the love of her life and a truly excellent husband
and father. He really was a gentleman. She had/has no interest in dating anyone else.