Bad relationship -your opinions

[Kikamum]

I am looking for a variety of opinions to help me make a decision as I do not trust mine at the moment.

I am married with a 1yo girl, fnancially dependant on my husband. He is well off and I am not working as we have to move around a lot because of his job so I only take small jobs here and there.

Things are going sour and we argue a lot. And it is ME who has to acknowledge fault ALWAYS. Just to illustrate last week- let’s just say that we haven’t been intimate since I had the baby and I told him in passing that our relationship is not functioning. He then got angry and started shouting and pushing me around until I said it’s 50%\50% both fault. I disagree because I might have my faults but he started hitting me when I got pregnant so I refrain from all contact physical and he doesn’t initiate much just a hug or a kiss when he is in a good mood. Otherwise I feel like I can’t oppose him, contradict him or if we argue I have to back down or things escalate ugly. He pushes me I push back until he is beating my arms and head and I back down.

I am now getting treatment for depression and I am moody and lacking energy which gets him angry because I am expected to help him with his job since I don’t have my own but I can’t bring myself to being active which gets him angry. I am difficult to be around and I feel like the stuff going on in my head is just not me but I get little to no support from him and he is moody so sometimes the two combined are just such a bad combination.

I will be happy to add more details but please do share your opinion.

He is a violent abusive bastard and you need to get yourself and your dc away and safe! You won't get a variety of opinions because he is abusive, this is domestic violence, you are not safe, your child is not safe, it will not get better, you cannot find a way to make this better, it is NOT you, it IS him, you cannot fix this.

Please accept this and reach out for help!

When a man starts hitting you it never ends with just the once, everything else is irrelevant because once he has hit you, you need to end the relationship.
I've not been in your exact situation but I have left a partner who I've been financially dependant on and with a young child and worried about how I would cope. I had help from family but it wasn't half as difficult as I thought it would be, don't stay with him because you think you can't cope alone because you will.
I know it's easy for a stranger to see this situation for what it is but take a step back and imagine what advice you'd give to someone else who just confessed what you have, your relationship is not healthy and you are putting yourself in danger by staying there.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Many abusive men do ramp up the power and control antes against their chosen target over time (abuse is about power and control) and I note without much surprise that he started hitting you in pregnancy. By he getting you pregnant he thought he had completely trapped you into staying with him. Such men too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions, they often state that the other person made them do it, see red etc.

You will remain in danger and depressed as long as you remain with this man. He is abusive and therefore unreasonable. You cannot help him but you can and should help you and your child by escaping him and his inherent abuses of you (he is also emotionally abusive towards you and that is what the sulking from him is representative of). Your child over time will pick up on all this at home and its no life for this young person either to be witnessing.

Are you currently in the UK or overseas?. Fear of their abuser and fear of the unknown are often reasons why people stay in such relationships but no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.
What are your parents like OP, do you have family and friends you can reach out to?. Abuse also thrives on secrecy, do not keep this a secret.

Did you tell your doctor that he was hitting you? Surely they wouldn't prescribe medication for depression if there was a good reason why you were feeling so bad?

Can you imagine a life away from him, OP?

Thanks everyone.

I made a major step when I started doing my research online, I contacted the Samaritans and slowly started talking about it. Putting it in words makes me think about it more.

I started recording his outbursts but I am afraid. He has money and threatened to use them against me.

@thingsdogetbetter if it was a friend I’d tell them to get away. I’d think how did you let it go this far? ...And then I fail to act.

@hollowtalk he bit me a month ago (after an argument and I was not being exactly reasonable either) but then I chickened out when I went to see the GP.

@attilathemeerkat I’m in the Uk but we are due to leave in 2 weeks on another assignment.

@nononsense234 I am increasingly determined (in my head) to end things but I simply can’t bring myself to actually do it. There are all these plans for our future- buying a house, the projects started paying off etc and I get weak. Especially after he reminds me how I left him on one of the projects to go home and he was waiting for me for a year, he’s helped me financially over the years by no small amounts to get my masters degree and I simply start to waver.

I mean I can be quite unpleasant and sarcastic and I keep reminding him that he’s hit me and I don’t know what I expect- apology, remorse? All it does is gets him annoyed. I then don’t back down, I am angry with him and it just doesn’t lead anywhere only provokes another fight. I should back down until I figure things out but my head is such a mess. End of blabber.

Sounds like you need a plan to leave him. You have a master's so presumably you could work to support yourself and your DC?

You need to leave him. How about taking the opportunity to stay behind when he goes on assignment?

He's violent towards you, for your own sake and your dc's, you need to leave him.

Lady, leave

You can't leave the country in two weeks. You need to stay here. He's hit you when you were pregnant OP and he has no remorse, you can't stay with him, you certainly can't follow him to some other country where God knows what rights you may have. He could end up trapping you in another country and making it so that you can't return to UK with your DD.

Fucken hell sweetie, the second he hit you, let along alone BIT you, anything you 'owed' him for financial support is null and void. For the love of god do not leave the country with him. He BIT you, like a fucking animal would. He has no control. NONE. If he kills you (and don't think that's not a possibility), your child will be in his sole care! A man who is so out of control, so in the grip of his own rage, he bites! Do whatever you need to do to stay here while he goes:, manipulate, lie, fake illness, lose passports. Pretend it's temporary. Tell him you and dc will follow. Fake compliant. Do not let him know you are choosing life. You are putting yourself AND your baby in danger by thinking you can control his rages.no matter how compliant you are, no matter how much you apologise for him battering you, no matter how 'perfect wife' you become, he will always be a fucking animal. Please don't leave your dc dependant on an animal.

You NEED to get away. You need to do it for yourself, but you need to do it for your daughter.

Her dad is an abusive bully. How long do you think it will be before he start being abusive towards her. She might step out of line, disagree with something he says, gives him a bit of cheek.

You need to show her that you do not stand for this behaviour, or she will repeat the pattern.

How would you feel if she ended up with someone like her dad.

Please leave this cruel bully.

You do just need a plan to get away from this relationship, how you want to do it is up to you but you need to do it now before this man causes you anymore harm.
I hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done, you and your daughter deserve so much more

Please do not get on that plane in 2 weeks time.

He hits you? He hit you when you were pregnant? He bit you? This is domestic violence and abuse.

There is no making this right. You and your daughter are not safe.

DO NOT GET ON THAT PLANE WITH HIM.

Ring Women's Aid, ring the Samaritans, ring the Police for help.

DO NOT GET ON THAT PLANE.

Do you want your child to be brought up in a violent household OP? Please start thinking straight before it is too late

Hitting, beating, biting you?

Including while pregnant?

Fucking he'll, he deranged. He's sick.

It's so shocking to think he's out there functioning in a responsible job, presumably being thought to be normal and respectable; while he's like that at home.

I can't see him getting any better and even if he did (extremely unlikely) how's hes behaved is unforgivable.

He can try to use his money all he wants - don't forget he married you so it's half your bloody money.
Contact woman's aid so it can start to be recorded that he's violent and abusive. They will know how best to proceed.

Also - so what he helped you with your masters. You've had his child and taken time out from working and developing your career, you'll be affected the most by having a child as the main carer.

Andd even if you hadn't, how many hits is a master's worth? How many times does he get to abuse you before it's ok to leave because he paid towards your masters?
None.

He choose to fund it, you could've left the day after it was awarded and there was nothing he could, and you'd have had the right to do so (even without abuse).

Biting .. hrs a fkg animal. There's something wrong with him.
I'd be concerned about having my child around him.

*chose

Sane with the delayed project - so fucking what. I'm sure you had your reasons. Why does he get to severely abuse you because you delayed (as i said probably for something reasonable) a project. Yin don't owe him anything. He owes you a decade's worth of abject apologies, which you'll never get and which wouldn't make things right anyway.

Do you have any family of friends who could give you practical and emotional support?

Also, if you haven't, it's really worth reading Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men". It's a very simple but wonderful text. I can email you a pdf if you want.

*Same

Thanks everyone! It slowly became such a normality, I was in denial for such a long time. It was the years of abuse that he could have married someone more successful who would compliment his position rather than ‘an arrogant deadweight with no achievements’.

I have no family or friends to go to that would be safe, and I am waiting for a worker to get back to me but they said it might take up to 2 weeks.

I am working up the courage and plan, but with no support it is really difficult to make the leap.

@moralitym1n1 thanks I’ll read it. And yes he is one of those perfectly functioning executives- at least to the whole world.

Glad you are still here and reading op.

Please try and find a way to leave this man. He is not good for you or your daughter.

You will survive financially without him. You won't be the first woman to leave her husband. The fact that you are married means you are more protected. Please get some financial advice from a solicitor. You will know where you stand and will be able to plan accordingly.

You do not want to teach your daughter that this is how a loving man treats his wife.

Ring Women's Aid, tell the police that your husband beats you. Please please please find the courage to ask for help to leave this man

It slowly became such a normality

That's classic isn't it.

It reminds me in some ways of Leslie Morgan Steiner's Ted Talk;

m.youtube.com › watch
Living through crazy love | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TEDxRainier - YouTube

That's a terrible shame that you couldn't go to any family member.

But the most important thing is to go to women's aid or a similar agency that are experienced in helping women leave and divorce partners like this.

If you message me an email addresd (could be a temp one just for that purpose) , I can email you a pdf of that book.

I hope he can't see any of your communications.

OP, google your local domestic abuse service, they may be able to offer quicker help.

It doesn’t matter whether you were acting unreasonably or not, or that you refuse to back down, none of that gives him the right to hit you.Do please try to get yourself and your child away from this man. Don’t leave the country with him for god’s sake. You don’t want to be trapped with this bully miles from home. This is not the life you want for your daughter.

Good luck, and keep checking in.

Sorry that you tube link didn't work, but if you Google her ted talk, it's fairly high in the results.

Just to say as well, it's bad enough to hit someone smaller and with less physical strength than you (which makes you a cowardly bully, imagine beating a child - that's not far off a comparison in strength) but there are few forms of life lower than someone who would hit a pregnant woman.