Bad relationship -your opinions

[Kikamum]

I am looking for a variety of opinions to help me make a decision as I do not trust mine at the moment.

I am married with a 1yo girl, fnancially dependant on my husband. He is well off and I am not working as we have to move around a lot because of his job so I only take small jobs here and there.

Things are going sour and we argue a lot. And it is ME who has to acknowledge fault ALWAYS. Just to illustrate last week- let’s just say that we haven’t been intimate since I had the baby and I told him in passing that our relationship is not functioning. He then got angry and started shouting and pushing me around until I said it’s 50%\50% both fault. I disagree because I might have my faults but he started hitting me when I got pregnant so I refrain from all contact physical and he doesn’t initiate much just a hug or a kiss when he is in a good mood. Otherwise I feel like I can’t oppose him, contradict him or if we argue I have to back down or things escalate ugly. He pushes me I push back until he is beating my arms and head and I back down.

I am now getting treatment for depression and I am moody and lacking energy which gets him angry because I am expected to help him with his job since I don’t have my own but I can’t bring myself to being active which gets him angry. I am difficult to be around and I feel like the stuff going on in my head is just not me but I get little to no support from him and he is moody so sometimes the two combined are just such a bad combination.

I will be happy to add more details but please do share your opinion.

he could have married someone more successful who would compliment his position rather than ‘an arrogant deadweight with no achievements’.

Funny how you being in a serious relationship with him meant following his job to the detriment of you being able to get a steady, high paid job - and having his child meant taking tine out of work, yet you're apparently a dead weight. What could you have achieved if you'd find neither of those things.

And even if you were - which you're not - that wouldn't give him the right to hit you and abuse you. If he wasn't happy all he had to do was end the relationship.

He's a psycho who hits women, pregnant women and bites - bites (!!!!!!) someone - he's rather overestimating what he's 'entitled' to partner wise.

• done neither of those things

Besides if a (sane) high flying woman, or any woman, had a sliver of an inkling of what he's done; she wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Everyone with a brain cell knows that with a violent man, sooner or later, you're next.

You're either the type of man who thinks it ok and gives yourself permission to hit a woman or you're not. Who he's with doesn't make much difference. If he wasn't satisfied with you, all he had to do was end the relationship, not batter you.. Even if he was with his 'high flier' he'd always have the capacity to hit her. Anyone sensible views men like him as dogs that bite and are never safe.

I'm sure you 'drove him to it' and he "couldn't control his temper and just lost it'; funny how he keeps his temper in work, would probably keep his temper if pulled over for speeding by a policeman etc etc.

You need to get out OP, you and your LO deserve better!

@Moralitym1n1 yes, most of the time 'I pushed him over the edge' 'I didnt know when to stop' and when he gets angry he doesnt know how to control it so I should know.

He even denies it happens sometimes, or says i started it. Early on in the relationship I was one of those tactile people, when I joked I would tap his shoulder or throw a pillow while we were joking (never in an aggressive way or with force and it was always accompanied with a smile or a joke)- but he took it as if I hit him so I stopped that altogether. Now he says I was the one who hit him first whenever things escalate even when I dont even touch him.

On a positive note I started recording his outbursts but he found out (why are you holding your phone?)last time so I need to be more careful.

Thanks for support everyone, just knowing somebody is listening is making me so much better.

I think a lot of that would be very familiar to women who've been with violent, abusive men.

Everyone is horrified and angry on your behalf, Kika. Please keep posting and make sure he can't see anything you do for support or preparation to get out.

Update, I managed to delay the flight by a week and am waiting for a support worker to get back to me.

In the meantime his ugly face came out from hiding completely- he doesn’t pretend anymore, doesn’t say sorry. He doesn’t hit me, but shouts so badly that my LO cries and gets scared, and he threatened me now with a knife (‘I don’t want to hurt you but I need t force you work and you talk back too much/ are too lazy/ etc etc) I am so angry at that b but scared at the same time. I hope the support worker gets back to me soon.

Great to hear from you Kika, but your update has freaked me out a bit.

Does the support worker know about this.

Does anyone know of the best way to get op faster support for her and her Lo's safety.

Can this be flagged for mnhq?

Who (which organisation) was it op (if you feel you can say); do they even work weekends?

I suppose calling the police would be the fastest way, but I can understand that you wouldn't want to and may not be able to.
Are you in the UK at the moment?

Do you have access to money to go to a cheap hotel or Airbnb etc with lo, if you get the chance to get away?

I'm concerned about your safety.

Hi There Kikamum,

We're so sorry to hear what a horrible situation you're in. We're pleased to hear you've contacted The Samaritans. Please do keep pursuing real life support and help via whatever means possible. Women's Aid have a 24hour freephone helpline: 0808 2000 247.

We hope life looks a lot brighter for you very soon.

If he threatens you with a knife (or other violence) phone the police.

This is escalating

This is escalating

That's what I'm worried about.

Maybe ops too scared to phone the police in case he catches her.

Op, you said on the 6th that you'd had contact with a support worker and it could take up to 2 weeks; who was that, not Women's Aid? You need more urgent help than that.

You've said you don't have family or friends with whom youd feel safe, you may not have access to money to pay for accommodation on an ongoing basis .. the obvious solution is to get into a women's shelter/refuge which will be secret, secure and free. There is one near my parents home and it is not remotely how you imagine a refuge.

There's a thread on here by a woman who was housed at a refuge until longer-term accommodation was set up, I'll try to find and link it.

It was 'stickied' at the top of the relationships board.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

You really need to take your documents and essentials and go to a refuge

@Moralitym1n1
Could you send me the pdf you mentioned up thread please?
I’d be very grateful

So he hit you when you were pregnant yet you stayed with him complaining over the relationship?

So he hit you when you were pregnant yet you stayed with him complaining over the relationship?

Are you dense?
Wtf is the matter with you?

Sweet, you and your child are in danger. He is abusive, and what you are living is not normal.
Call the police on 101 when he is not around and log all this. If you’re scared, call 999, they will come syraight away and help you.

Don't post in the thread of you can't find anything to say that's remotely helpful