Bad relationship -your opinions

[Kikamum]

I am looking for a variety of opinions to help me make a decision as I do not trust mine at the moment.

I am married with a 1yo girl, fnancially dependant on my husband. He is well off and I am not working as we have to move around a lot because of his job so I only take small jobs here and there.

Things are going sour and we argue a lot. And it is ME who has to acknowledge fault ALWAYS. Just to illustrate last week- let’s just say that we haven’t been intimate since I had the baby and I told him in passing that our relationship is not functioning. He then got angry and started shouting and pushing me around until I said it’s 50%\50% both fault. I disagree because I might have my faults but he started hitting me when I got pregnant so I refrain from all contact physical and he doesn’t initiate much just a hug or a kiss when he is in a good mood. Otherwise I feel like I can’t oppose him, contradict him or if we argue I have to back down or things escalate ugly. He pushes me I push back until he is beating my arms and head and I back down.

I am now getting treatment for depression and I am moody and lacking energy which gets him angry because I am expected to help him with his job since I don’t have my own but I can’t bring myself to being active which gets him angry. I am difficult to be around and I feel like the stuff going on in my head is just not me but I get little to no support from him and he is moody so sometimes the two combined are just such a bad combination.

I will be happy to add more details but please do share your opinion.

.. or empathetic.

@ihatethecoldof course.

Pm me an email address to send it to (I can't seem to attach anything to messages here, unless mnhq can provide a way).

@Xmas2020

Oh and go and educate yourself on the dynamics of abusive relationships.

@ihatethecoldof

Alternatively;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

That link/page seems to work.

I'm not sure how legitimate it is or not .

That book should be core text reading for girls in secondary schools.

So much of what you've said OP is bringing horrible memories back to me I'm shaking typing this. I'm so sorry you are being put through this. Like you I too was beaten while pregnant, had my face bitten in multiple places. I had countless bruises (which couldn't be seen) a broken nose & stitches throughout the yrs I stayed with the animal. So many people ask was I stupid to stay & put up with that. I didn't stay out of love or hope that I could "help or fix" him I stayed out of fear as mad as that may sound to some people. Fear of him taking my DC but now I'm out of that situation I realise he could've taken me from my DC forever. He too pulled a knife on me, that day I contacted womens aid & started making plans to leave. I'm away from him 5yrs now as scary as it is to do it's the best decision I've ever made for my child & me. Please contact womens aid they can get u both somewhere safe to stay & support you through all of this. You are stronger than that so called man & you can get through this & you deserve so much better. There's a wonderful happy abuse free life waiting for you & your child go get it.

Thanks Morality.
I’m currently training to become a counsellor but have lived through an abusive relationship.
I start at Relate soon and any reading like this is helpful.

@ihatethecold

You're welcome.

I wish I'd read that book as a young woman.

The author is very experienced, he ran the programmes for 'domestically' violent men in this region for quite a no. of years. He's managed to make it a pretty simple text too. Unlike that Patricia Evans one - I found it impossible to read, really wordy and bullshitty (to me anyway).

Also it's great to hear that a Relate counsellor is reading books like this, and making colleagues aware; it seems that some counsellors can get sucked in by abusers and the counselling ends up being counterproductive for the victim.

Im not a relate counsellor. I'm a student.
I have a voluntary role there so I can hopefully get a placement next term. Im starting Level 4 in September which means I will officially be a trainee sat in front of real people rather than role plays. To say that i'm scared is an understatement !!

I really do want to read as much as I can though.

Oh Kika, please leave. His violence is getting worse, he WILL hurt you badly very soon. Please dont wait for that moment, go to the police and ask for help. If you are in the Beds / Bucks area, PM me and i will come and help you leave, plus i have a spare room to put you and DD in.

Op I came across this in another thread and thought it may be useful. I realise that it's probably unimaginable to exclude your husband from your house; but just to say you could.

I thought the organisation might be useful to know about too, since only women's aid has been mentioned do far.

"If he's been attacking you, then you have enough to get him excluded from your house. Contact the NCDV, here:

ncdv.org.uk

They can arrange an emergency injunction to prevent him from coming to your house for six months to a year, even if the house is in his name. It's best to contact them within a day or two of him attacking you, as then it can be arranged without him knowing about it and the first thing he knows is he's served with the injunction; but even if he hasn't attacked you recently there's a very good chance that this can happen. Speak to them. They can help."

Hi everyone, if you are still watching this thread- we didn't get on that plane. I am in a hotel waiting for a refuge place. It's been 24 hrs and I am emotionally drained. My husband has been calling me non stop since we left, making all the promises. The plans he's made to safeguard me and make sure he won't do it again- that we'll stay separately on his work placement but he wants to be around our daughter, how we'll slowly find our way back together, how he'll cut down work etc etc He is pretty much at my parents all the time now trying to get in touch with me as I was ignoring all the messages. I'm so tired and have no one to talk to since my parents can't pick up the phone. I'm so lost!!!! I want to believe him but my mother warns me that it's impossible to change in only few hours. He says by losing us he's realised how much he treasures us... what to do????

PLEASE FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAKE do not believe his promises that he will change/try harder/help create a safe space for you. Stay strong and do not contact him or allow him to find out where you are. I know it must be tempting to give him a chance in the face of all this love bombing but please resist those feelings. You will 100% be walking back into the nightmare you've just left. Please think of your child, would you want her to be with someone who did to her what your OH has done to you? You've taken the very first brave step on the path to a new life where you will not be bitten or hit or cowed. If you can, please download the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned upthread, "Why does he do that" and read it. You will see your OH in there and it will give you the insight and strength you need to see there is no other way out of this than leaving him for good.

I dont believe him.

In fact I think he'll be worse - because you've "defied" him.

I'm so glad you made the move. Your mum.is right. Please get all the help.and support you can from women's aid, ant friends etc.

What he's doing to your parents sounds like harassment, can they call anyone - even the police - to stop him going to their house all the time?

You are so brave Kika.

*any

Also can you text your parents and tell them to make him leave ? If I knew my daughter's partner had treated her in the way yours has, him being in my house would be a very unwise move on his part.

(When I say I think he'll be worse; I believe there'll be a honeymoon period of good behaviour that will gradually be eroded to go back to how he was, but even worse sooner or later).

The plans he's made to safeguard me

If he himself used that word, it's so bad it's almost funny.
You can't safeguard someone from yourself. Safeguarding is not something the perpetrator/abuser does for their victims. It's something the victims (or an organisation etc) does for them. If someone was decent, it wouldn't be an issue in the first place.

And he can blame work/long hours all he wants; it's an excuse, a lie .. long hours or even stress don't force you to hit, bite, shout at, wave a knife around at your partner.

I'd block his number so you're not having to be harassed, upset and stressed by his communications.

And he really shouldn't be at your parents house. He's harassing them; and you through them.

He will not change. You are so brave for making the decision to leave. Please stay strong.

Can anyone advise on who could/should help stop op's parents being harassed by him at this time; can women's aid do anything about it? Would a non molestation order apply to op's parents/family as well as herself & her child?

Police I would have thought, it's harassment