Have I been used?

[MonicaBee]

Hello, I’m looking for an outside opinion on a situation I have found myself in.

I’ve been talking to a man for the past 8 weeks, he has been very open with me about his past, his family, his struggles and his health. He’s shared his whole life story and has messaged me every day none stop since we started talking.

We arranged a date but he had to cancel due to money issues.

He has been very depressed but will only speak to me about his problems and won’t ask for help. He keeps blocking me on text and social media for a few days and then comes back very apologetic, blaming his current bad state of mind.

We slept together once, and he has since backed off again. He’s said he’ll be in touch again soon but his head is in a mess. He has also changed his mind about what he wants with me, sometimes saying a relationship, sometimes saying just take it slow.

I know he’s single, it’s not an issue of whether he’s with someone else, but I’m worried I’m just being used.

My gut feeling tells me that I’m not, and that he’s genuinely in a really bad place. My friends think otherwise.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and what I should do?

You a bit of a fixer, OP?

Some people think they're ready then in the midst of it, they're not.

However I don't like the way he has been blocking, not speaking etc don't set boundaries this way. You then become a sponge for his moods.

I would give space tbh and focus on yourself. Keep him at arm's length. Civil and polite not don't over invest as it seems he is capable of picking you up and dropping you quite quickly.

This is way too much drama for 8 weeks in. What are you getting out of it? It sounds utterly exhausting and joyless. You don't need to provide emotional or whatever else support to a stranger.

Dump, block, move on.

What’s a fixer?

Set your standards way higher. Then walk away, quickly.

You shouldn't have to do this much work. Being single is much easier..

Sweetie, if he's in a really bad place, but is still choosing to "date", then yes he's using you.
He may not have consciously set out to cold heartedly use you, but if your attention is propping him up, then he is using you.

Honestly- what are you getting from this?

I’m trying to give him space, I rarely contact him first and now that I’m blocked I obviously can’t anyway.
I’m not a needy person but I love speaking to him and it’s really hard not to miss him when he disappears.

What’s a fixer?

You seek out damaged puppies who you believe you can help. You are drawn to those with whom you find a fixing "role" for yourself, probably as this is the dynamic made familiar to you in childhood. You mistake their need and your giving for a relationship (which should really be about reciprocal enjoyment and support).

When we are talking he’s amazing, such great company and the few times we have met face to face have been great.
I also feel genuinely worried about him, it’s hard

I wouldn’t say I was a fixer as a rule then, no.
However in this situation I have been trying really hard to listen and help when I can. I’m very worried about him

Who could be bothered with this shit from a virtual stranger?? Cut him off and think more highly of yourself. It should be fun and laughter; you're not a dumping ground for other people's problems.

What fun and jollies have you had that don't involve him just wittering on about his problems and you lending an eager listening ear?

Did you have a great time because you felt useful and he convinced you that he was grateful?

Do you want to date someone or be their emotional crutch? At the moment he is controlling this "relationship" in a must unacceptable way. Walk away.

*most unacceptable way!

He's bad news. It's funny how some women have a soft spot for needy, vulnerable men, and these men seem to know how to play on the heart strings. In my younger days, I was inexperienced and made several bad mistakes. Not now though!

Just because he's in a bad place doesn't mean he can be rude and block you. This man is messing with your head- get out now before he drains you dry. You can't help him- he won't help himself. If he is a considerate adult he wouldn't be stringing you along and blowing hot and cold. He sounds like a knob tbh.

Listen to your friends. You are being/have been used.

It’s telling that he won’t seek help and is relying on you to be his emotional support. What about your mental health OP? The blocking/unblocking shows a disregard for your feelings. I’d leave this one alone.

He sounds like an ex mate of mine.
Had the depression line down to a tee. Had sob stories galore.
Would block females on social media etc when he was with someone else.
Always money problems and the females would give cash/goods.
When any of the females (always had a number of them) started talking about stuff about contact etc, depending on how he felt he would fuck or dump them. Then he'd be great for a few days and slipped quickly back.

I woud say dump him. He's really not worth it.

Life is too short for such crap. Be glad you’re blocked.
What is enjoyable about this rollercoaster of shit? Sometimes we get the behaviour we deserve, sometimes we don’t, but it reminds us what we should aspire to strive for.

I have offered to help him out but he has never accepted. It’s the fact we slept together that I’m worried about :(

Just put it down to experience and move on.

Yes you have been used. He is still using you -b and frankly, why wouldn't he? You've shown him he can

1. witter on and on about himself for hours while you hang off his every word
2. fuck you and then not speak to you and you'll accept it
3. block you when he feels like he can't be arsed to talk to you and you'll go along with it.
4. change his mind about what he wants from you based on each passing whim - and you'll accept it.

Why wouldn't he use you when he's clearly a selfish, flighty dick and you have made it so easy?

Just NO!

No no no no

8 weeks and you're dealing with all this angst and drama, don't bother unless you don't think much of yourself

You make some very good points!