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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been used?

63 replies

MonicaBee · 03/06/2019 19:54

Hello, I’m looking for an outside opinion on a situation I have found myself in.

I’ve been talking to a man for the past 8 weeks, he has been very open with me about his past, his family, his struggles and his health. He’s shared his whole life story and has messaged me every day none stop since we started talking.

We arranged a date but he had to cancel due to money issues.

He has been very depressed but will only speak to me about his problems and won’t ask for help. He keeps blocking me on text and social media for a few days and then comes back very apologetic, blaming his current bad state of mind.

We slept together once, and he has since backed off again. He’s said he’ll be in touch again soon but his head is in a mess. He has also changed his mind about what he wants with me, sometimes saying a relationship, sometimes saying just take it slow.

I know he’s single, it’s not an issue of whether he’s with someone else, but I’m worried I’m just being used.

My gut feeling tells me that I’m not, and that he’s genuinely in a really bad place. My friends think otherwise.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and what I should do?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 03/06/2019 21:24

For the love of fuck, you've known him all of 8 weeks and he's proved beyond reasonable doubt he's got more issues than Clair Rayner's inbox. Just how blatantly unsuitable as a partner does someone need to be before you decide they're unsuitable as a partner?

Original poster
MonicaBee · 03/06/2019 21:25

It’s not as simple as that... well, maybe it is!
I just know when it’s good it’s really good.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 03/06/2019 21:27

You shouldn’t be supported someone who hasn’t fully commited to you. When you are in an established relationship you would support each other but from a guys perspective if you take on the role of the ‘helper’, he won’t feel he needs to put in anymore effort and will keep you on the side for ego boost, shoulder to cry on etc. If he has issues he will need to work through these, sort himself out and then pursue you. In my opinion as someone said above maybe not on purpose but he might go down the using you route. You’re not friends. You have friends. I would phase out contact.

Michaelbaubles · 03/06/2019 21:28

When are these good times that are really good? Are they when you’re actually together? How much time have you even spent together?

Original poster
MonicaBee · 03/06/2019 21:31

We’ve only spent a couple of days together. The rest is just texting

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 03/06/2019 21:33

I don't believe anyone is actually this blitheringly stupid. Try harder next time.

Rosielily · 03/06/2019 21:33

It’s not as simple as that... well, maybe it is!
I just know when it’s good it’s really good

What makes those good times good? How many good times have there been?

At 8 weeks it's should be good all of the time. Why are you settling for anything less?

nailslikeknives · 03/06/2019 21:34

A couple of days in 8 weeks?
It's not as if he's head over heels with you then, whatever you feel about him.
I'm really sorry, you seem very kind but I think he's not that into you and yes, he's just using you.

Katastrophy · 03/06/2019 21:35

OP run. No good can come from this. He sounds way too needy. You cannot fix him, and nor is it your obligation to.

Rosielily · 03/06/2019 21:36

We’ve only spent a couple of days together. The rest is just texting

So texting is included in the so called "good" times?

Really? And you call this dating?

Chocmallows · 03/06/2019 21:42

"When it's good it's really good" hmm after 8 weeks he's still on best behaviour acting and he's putting minimal effort in and you are lapping it up. He's set your boundaries so low you are grateful for a few crumbs.

You need to get some self-respect and bin him.

motherofcats81 · 03/06/2019 21:43

OP I met someone I thought was quite possibly the love of my life and he did too, it was that good. But he also did all the things that you are listing - disappearing, blocking me, not being sure if he wanted a relationship or not, this ultimately became being horrible to me and then blaming me for taking it seriously, it actually became emotionally abusive. The good bits do not make it worth that, particularly at this early stage, and it won't get better it will get worse.

You do sound like a bit of a fixer to be honest, (I didn't think I was but did a lot of self examination after that relationship). If I were you I would run for the hills and then perhaps have a bit of a think about that. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk is a good place to start (I think you may also recognize a lot of your guy in the 'assclown' category)

CodenameVillanelle · 03/06/2019 21:45

It's really good? What is - texting?! Texting isn't a relationship. Seriously, raise your standards!

ChristmasFluff · 03/06/2019 22:09

This isn't dating, you have a glorified penpal. It's easy to pretend when you aren't face to face, and I would bet that's what he's doing.

Being depressed doesn't make you block people - but being controlling does. He's massively controlling - this relationship is all on his terms.

This is no fun at all for 8 weeks. It will only get worse. He is def blocking you when he's switching his attention to someone else.

I second the Baggage Reclaim suggestion - because if you weren't a fixer, or in other ways looking for external validation, this behaviour would have you running for the hills. It screams 'user'.

TeaForTheWin · 03/06/2019 22:14

Sounds like a 'vulnerable narcissist' to me. Spins you a sob story to test to see if you feel the need to help someone you've just met and, disappears and comes back to test to see if you will tolerate and excuse such behaviour. Not to mention, constantly sending texts to make sure they are in your thoughts and yet, never really making time for you.

You shouldn't be worrying about the problems of someone you've only just met. But narcissists have a way of drawing you in and making you feel like you've known them for years and their problems are your problems. You are being drawn into a spiders web by a spider. Either that or the guy has mental issues and should be sorting his own shit out before dating.

Run.

Original poster
MonicaBee · 03/06/2019 22:45

After reading everyone’s replies, I feel quite silly.
I think I’ve latched onto this person purely for company and as someone who has shown me a bit of attention when I’ve been vulnerable.

It does make me sad, I do like him, but I think I’ll be taking a big step back.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 03/06/2019 22:48

You don't really know him to like or not like him. What you are trying not to see reality is v poor behaviour. You are pretending it's ok.

Take your time and enthusiasm and direct it at new projects, find hobbies, go on real dates.

Xmas2020 · 03/06/2019 22:53

Sounds like my ex, depressed, never had money, talked non stop about his issues but did nothing to resolve them, ignored me until he wanted something, but in the beginning it was good, it would be when i was there for him all the time. 10 years later, he has never changed, accept he now ignores his kids as well as me. Don't be another me @MonicaBee

billy1966 · 03/06/2019 22:56

OP,
Better an empty stable than a black horse.

He's not worthy of you.

Focus on helping yourself have a fuller life and hopefully you won't allow space to be filled by wasters.

You sound lovely.
The very best of luck.

greenlloon · 04/06/2019 00:15

if you do get with him long term you are not helping him youre enabling him

Original poster
MonicaBee · 06/06/2019 07:21

We’ve only met twice, so you make a good point.
And yes he does say I help by being there to listen

OP posts:
Original poster
MonicaBee · 06/06/2019 07:22

Summed this up pretty well. It’s driving me mad knowing he’s probably fine right now and I’m left upset over how he’s treated me.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 06/06/2019 09:29

For future ref anything that happens by text is not a relationship, it's fantasy.

Text to meet up and then judge the relationship on what actually happens in real life.

And don't invest so much, so early, in someone who doesn't give shit about you.

Willows991 · 06/06/2019 10:30

@MonicaBee, have you heard of breadcrumbing? Also, I think it's an ego boost for him. I had someone like that, I have gone NC. He would come on strong and then ignores me for weeks and then come back and love bombed me, I was hooked for months.

I read up on ghosting, breadcrumbing etc and that's how I healed myself from his dramas and chaos. We have not had any form of contacts for almost a month now and I don't miss him one bit. Also, I found out the real reasons he would ghost me for weeks. He is married!